第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
1 / 27
I think it is. Now, let me tell you why.
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And you're also very nice. Everyone says so.
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I carry my mug to the pour-it-yourself bar for a refill.
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I sip my coffee, which is getting cold.
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Courtney Crimsen. What a pretty name. And yes, a very pretty girl, as well. Pretty hair. Pretty smile. Perfect skin.
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Wrong.
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Yes, Courtney, you're sweet to everyone you meet in the halls. You're sweet to everyone as they walk with you to your car after school.
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You're definitely one of the most popular girls in school. And you… are… just… so… sweet. Right?
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I pound back the coffee to empty the mug.
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Yes, my dear listeners, Courtney is nice to whomever she comes in contact with or whomever she's talking to. And yet, ask yourselves -- is it all a show?
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I stare at the picture in the scribble book. Hannah's arm around Courtney's waist at some random party. Hannah is happy. Courtney is nervous. But I have no idea why.
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First off, to everyone listening, I doubt Tyler will let you see the pictures he took of me giving Courtney a backrub.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
2 / 27
Hannah takes an extra-long pause. She knows that info needs to sink in.
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Courtney's the one from Hannah's room?
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The container of half-n-half slips from my grip and clatters to the counter. I catch it before it falls to the floor, then look over my shoulder. The girl behind the register tips her head back and laughs.
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Posed. What an interesting word to sum up Courtney's tale. Because when you're posed, you know someone's watching. You put on your very best smile. You let your sweetest personality shine.
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I don't think you do this intentionally, Courtney. And that's why I put you on these tapes. To let you know that what you do affects others. More specifically, it affected me.
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If you have seen those pictures, lucky you. I'm sure they're very sexy. But as you now know, they're also very posed.
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And in high school, people are always watching so there's always a reason to pose.
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Unlike Courtney's photo in the scribble book.
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I press the top of the urn and a stream of dark coffee spills into the mug.
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Courtney does come off as genuinely sweet. Hearing her story here, on these tapes, must have killed her.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
3 / 27
So that's where I give you credit. You could have taken the bitch route and still had all the friends and boyfriends you could handle. But instead you took the sweet route, so everyone would like you and not a soul would hate you.
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Courtney Crimsen. The name sounds almost too perfect. And as I said, you look perfect, too. The only thing left… is to be perfect.
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And once you did it to me, and I realized it, I watched you do it to others.
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With my coffee, cream, and sugar cubes mixed, I return to my table.
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A shiver crawls up my back. "Killed her." A phrase I will now drop from my vocabulary.
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I don't remember that. I don't think I ever saw them hanging out.
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Let me be very clear. I do not hate you, Courtney. In fact, I don't even dislike you. But for a time, I thought you and I were becoming friends.
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Here, Courtney, is your contribution to the anthology of my life.
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It turns out you were just grooming me to be another tally mark under People Who Think Courtney Crimsen Is a Really Neat Girl. Another guaranteed vote for Most Liked in the senior yearbook.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
4 / 27
"So weird."
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Then, when Mrs. Dillard finally came in, you turned around to face the front of the room. And when class was over, you left.
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"So funny."
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Also not unusual.
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"I know."
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I remove Hannah's map and unfold it on the small table.
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I search the map for the red star at Tyler's house. Part of me feels strange about keeping such a close track of Hannah's story. Like I'm obsessed. Too obsessed. While another part of me wants to deny the obsession.
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"Can you imagine?"
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I just made it up.
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"What the hell?"
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When you were done chatting to the person in front of you, Courtney, I tapped you on the shoulder. The moment you looked into my eyes, we both began laughing. We spoke a bunch of two-or three-word sentences but I don't remember who said what, because whatever you said were my thoughts, as well.
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I pull my backpack onto my lap and unzip the largest pocket.
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The day after Tyler took the candid shots of our student bodies began like any other. The bell to first period rang and Courtney, as usual, ran in a couple seconds late. Not that it mattered, because Mrs. Dillard wasn't there yet, either.
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Did you like that? The anthology of my life?
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
5 / 27
I'm just doing what she asked. That's not obsession. It's respect. I'm living out her last requests.
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It wasn't until I stepped into the hall on my way to second period that I thought, Wait a sec. She didn't say good-bye.
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Did you say good-bye on any other day? No, not often. But after the previous night, this time it felt intentional. I guess I thought that after what we'd experienced less than twenty-four hours before, we would now be more than just casual acquaintances.
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Until the night of the party.
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I slip off the headphones and hang them around my neck. The girl I took Wood Shop with walks around with a plastic tub, gathering mugs and plates from empty tables. I look away toward the dark window when she clears the place next to me. Her reflection glances my way several times, but I don't turn around.
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A-4. A red star on Tyler's house.
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But that, evidently, is what we'd become once again. We said hello in the halls and sometimes you said good-bye to me after class, but never more than you said it to anyone else.
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Until the night you needed me again.
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I need a moment to catch up. I can't listen anymore till I do that.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
6 / 27
But this is the party that brings Courtney into the mix.
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The driver looks at me in the rearview mirror. "I'm ahead of schedule," he says. "We'll be sitting here a couple minutes."
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"Hannah, wait up," you said. "How are you?"
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I probably said, "Fine," or, "Good. How are you?" But truthfully, I didn't care, Courtney. Every time our eyes caught each other in a crowded hall and I watched your gaze jump to someone else, I lost a little more respect for you. And sometimes I wondered how many people in that one hallway felt the same.
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I was at school, backpack on my shoulder, heading out of first period when you grabbed my hand.
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Fifteen minutes later, a bus drives by the front door of Monet's and the waiting is over. I grab the map, toss my backpack over my shoulder, and run out the door.
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Is that it? Is that where I come in?
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Your smile, your teeth… flawless.
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I nod, press the headphones into my ears, and look out the window.
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Let me tell you that there is a much bigger, more important party later in the tapes.
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The bus is stopped at the far corner. I race down the sidewalk, up the bus steps, and find an empty seat near the middle.
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When she leaves, I sip my coffee and try my hardest not to think. I just wait.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
7 / 27
Most of them, unfortunately, don't realize how carefully you plan that image.
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You went on to ask if I'd heard about the party later that night. I said that I had, but that I didn't feel like going and wandering around looking for someone to talk to. Or I didn't feel like wandering around looking for someone to save me from talking to someone else.
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"Why?" I asked. "Why should we go to a party together?"
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Yeah, that's Courtney. No one can resist her, and she flirts with everyone.
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That obviously took you by surprise. I mean, you are who you are and everyone wants to go to a party with you. To at least be seen entering a party with you. Everyone! Boys. Girls. It doesn't matter. That's the kind of admiration people have for you.
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"We should go together," you said. And you tilted your head to the side, flashed your smile, and -- though I'm probably imagining this -- I think I even saw you bat your eyes.
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Have? Or had? Because I have a feeling that's about to change.
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You repeated my question. "Why should we go to a party together? Hannah, so we can hang out."
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
8 / 27
And although I was still suspicious, you are who you are and everyone wants to go to a party with you.
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But you knew, Hannah. You knew, but you still went. Why?
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But I pulled it back up and ignored my suspicions once again. "Sure, Courtney," I said. "What time?"
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And my heart tumbled a bit.
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The bus door slides shut and we pull away from the curb.
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I asked why you wanted to hang out after ignoring me for so long. But of course, you denied ignoring me at all. You said I must have misread things. And the party would be a good chance to get to know each other better.
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You flipped open your notebook and ripped out a piece of paper. In tiny blue letters you wrote your address, the time, and your initials: C. C. You handed me the paper, said, "This is going to be great!" then gathered up your stuff and left.
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"Great!" you said. "Can you drive?"
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Guess what, Courtney? On your way out the door, you forgot to say good-bye.
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So here's my theory as to why you wanted to go to a party with me: You knew I was pissed at being ignored by you. At the very least, you knew I was hurt. And that was not good for your flawless reputation. That had to be fixed.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
9 / 27
A lift? Already having doubts about why you invited me, that was not the hello I wanted to hear.
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D-4. It's only a handful of blocks from Tyler's house.
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D-4 on your map, everybody. Courtney's house.
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Don't worry, Mrs. Crimsen, I thought. No boys in here. No alcohol. No drugs. No fun.
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You opened the passenger door, sat down, and buckled up. "Thanks for the lift," you said.
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I reopen the map.
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I'm not following the map because she wants me to. I'm following it because I need to understand. Whatever it takes, I need to truly understand what happened to her.
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I wanted to be wrong about you, Courtney. I did. I wanted you to see it as me picking you up so we could go to a party together. And that is very different from me giving you a lift.
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But it's not.
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When I pulled up to the curb, your front door flew open. Out you came, bounding off the porch and down the walkway. Your mom, before shutting the front door, bent down to get a good look inside my car.
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Why do I feel so compelled to follow her map? I don't need to. I'm listening to the tapes, every single one, front and back, and that should be enough.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
10 / 27
Did I mention we were two and a half blocks away? That's how loud it was. That party was absolutely begging for a police visit.
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Bolted to the back of each seat, behind a square sheet of Plexiglas, is a map of all the city's bus routes. From where I caught this one, the bus will drive by Courtney's house, turn left a block before Tyler's, then stop.
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"Oh my God," you said. "I think that music's coming from the party!"
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At that moment, I knew how the party would play out for us. But how it ended? Well, that was a surprise. That… was weird.
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We parked two and a half blocks away, which was actually the closest spot we could get. I have one of those car stereos that continues playing even after I shut off the engine. It won't stop until someone opens a door. But that night, when I opened the door, the music didn't stop… it just sounded distant.
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Which is why I don't go to many parties. I'm so close to being valedictorian. One mistake could mess it all up for me.
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We took our place in the stream of students heading to the party -- like joining a bunch of salmon heading upstream to mate. When we got there, two football players -- never to be seen at a party without their jerseys -- stood on opposite sides of the gate collecting beer money. So I reached into my pocket for some cash.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
11 / 27
Over the loud music, you shouted to me, "Don't worry about it."
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You said there were a few people you needed to see and that we should meet up later. I lied and said there were some people I needed to see, too.
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Two bucks? That's it? They must charge girls differently.
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I asked why, but you were scanning the crowd and didn't hear me.
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"Don't," you said. "Trust me."
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We got to the gate and one of they guys said, "Two bucks a cup." Then he realized who he was talking to. "Oh. Hey, Courtney. Here you go." And he handed you a red plastic cup.
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Then you said we should split up. And do you want to know my first thought when you said that, Courtney? Gee, that sure didn't take long.
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I don't remember any stories of Courtney and any football players. Basketball players, yes. Many of them. But football? None.
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You nodded your head in my direction. The guy smiled, then handed me a cup. But when I grabbed for it, he didn't let go. He told me his replacement was coming any minute and that we should hang out. I smiled at him, but you grabbed me by the arm and pulled me through the gate.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
12 / 27
Someone called my name. But from where?
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"Miss your stop, Clay?"
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An icy chill shoots up my spine.
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But you smiled at me. And finally, you said the magic word. "Good-bye." And good-bye was exactly what you meant.
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A voice. A girl's voice. But not from the headphones.
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Skye's always been pretty, but she acts like the thought's never crossed her mind. Especially the past couple of years. She dresses in dull, loose clothing every day. Almost burying herself within them. Tonight, it's a bulky gray sweatshirt and matching pants.
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How could I forget, Courtney?
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The bus turns onto Courtney's street, with For Sale signs posted in about a third of the yards. When we pass Courtney's house, I half expect to see a red star spray-painted on the front door. But the porch is buried in darkness. No porch light. No lights in any window at all.
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Across the aisle, the dark belt of windows acts like a mirror. I see the reflection of a girl sitting behind me. Maybe my age. But do I know her? I turn my body around and look over the backrest.
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Then you told me not to leave without you. "You're my ride, remember?"
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Skye Miller. My eighth-grade crush. She smiles, or maybe it's more of a smirk, because she knows she startled the hell out of me.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
13 / 27
I pull the headphones from my ears. "Hey, Skye."
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"Miss your house?" she asks. More words than she's spoken to me in a long time. More words than I've heard her speak to anyone in a long time. "He'll stop if you ask him to."
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The smirk returns. Her eyes stay focused on mine. She's trying so hard to make me feel uncomfortable. And it's working.
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The bus takes a left at the next intersection and pulls up to the curb. The door slides open and the driver yells back, "Anyone?"
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"I'm not going anywhere," she finally says.
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I shake my head. No. Not my house.
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I look to the front of the bus, into the rearview mirror, and catch the driver's eye. Then I turn back to Skye. "Where are you going?" I ask.
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But this is my stop and I should get off. It's halfway between two of the red stars: Tyler's house and Courtney's.
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Why does she do this? What happened between eighth grade and now? Why does she insist on being an outcast? What changed? No one knows. One day, at least it seemed that fast, she just stopped wanting to be a part of anything.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
14 / 27
"See you tomorrow," she says.
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And that's it. The conversation's over. Part of me, I admit, is relieved.
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I lift my backpack over my shoulder and walk to the front of the bus. I thank the driver and return to the cold air outside. The door shuts behind me. The bus pulls away. Skye's window passes with her head resting against the glass and her eyes shut.
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Or instead, I could stay and talk with Skye. To be more exact, I could stay and try to talk with her. An almost guaranteed one-way conversation.
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I pull my backpack onto both shoulders and tighten the straps. Alone once again, I start walking. To Tyler's house.
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Maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe there will be a sign posted in his yard. PEEPING TOM -- COME INSIDE.
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With each house I walk by, trying not to stare too long, I look for those shutters.
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"See you later," I say.
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If his bedroom light's on, maybe I'll see the bamboo shutters.
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Okay, but how will I know which one it is? This is the block, I know that, and it's this side of the block, but Hannah gave no address.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
15 / 27
Was it a rock? Did someone throw a rock at Tyler's window?
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"You want to throw something?"
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As I get closer I can almost picture her, Hannah, standing beside his window whispering into a recorder. Words too soft for me to hear at this distance. But in the end, the words reach me.
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With Hannah's words ready at the push of a button, it feels wrong to smile like this. But it also feels nice. It feels like the first time I've smiled in months, though it's only been hours.
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I can't stifle a laugh at my own lame joke.
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The bedroom light is on and the bamboo shutters are down. A spiderweb of silver duct tape holds the fractured window together.
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Was it someone who knew? Someone from the list?
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I stop smiling.
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Then, two houses away, I see it.
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A square hedge divides Tyler's front yard from the next. I walk toward it to shield myself from view. Because he has to be watching. Looking out. Waiting for someone to bust his window wide open.
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The icy chill comes slicing back. I spin around, ready to hit someone and run.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
16 / 27
I look over at the window. At the duct tape. Then I look down and close my eyes, shaking my head. "Let me guess, Marcus. You're on the tapes."
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I lean forward, resting my hands on my knees. Exhausted. "What are you doing here?" I ask.
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He pushes the rock into my hand. "You'd be the first to say no, Clay."
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I nod to Tyler's window. "Did you do that?"
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I try to picture anyone other than Marcus, someone else on the list, throwing a rock at Tyler's window. But I can't. It doesn't make sense.
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"You'll feel better, Clay. Honest."
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Marcus Cooley, from school.
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I look up at him. "Why?"
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My heart starts racing. Not from Marcus standing here, or Tyler standing somewhere inside, or the heavy rock in my hand, but from what he just told me.
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He doesn't answer. He doesn't need to. When I look up, the corners of his eyes struggle to hold back a smile. And in that struggle, I can tell he's not ashamed.
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"You're the third to come out here," he says. "Plus me."
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"Hold it! It's me."
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Marcus holds a fist-sized rock just below my eyes. "Take it," he says.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
17 / 27
We're all on the list. All of us. We're all guilty of something. Why is Tyler any different than the rest of us?
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I stare down at the rock in my hand. "Why are you doing this?" I ask.
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He nods over his shoulder, down the block. "That's my house down there. With the light on. I've been watching Tyler's house to see who comes around."
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"So, what, you just gave him a rock to throw at his window?"
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I can't imagine what Tyler told his parents. Did he plead with them not to replace the window because more might be coming? And what did they say? Did they ask how he knew? Did they ask why?
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"The first was Alex," Marcus says. He doesn't sound the least bit ashamed to be telling me this. "We were hanging out at my house when, out of nowhere, he wanted me to point out Tyler's house. I didn't know why, it's not like they were friends, but he really wanted to know."
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"No. It was his idea. I didn't even know the tapes existed yet."
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I toss the rock up a few inches then catch its weight in my other hand. Even before the previous rocks weakened it, the window would stand no chance against this. So why did Marcus choose this rock for me? He's heard the rest of the tapes, but he wants me to be the one to finish off the window. Why?
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
18 / 27
"What?"
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"He's a Peeping Tom," Marcus says. "He's a freak. He looked in Hannah's window, so why not break his?"
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I let the rock drop onto the sidewalk. It was either that or smash it in his face right there.
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"So are you, Clay."
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My voice shakes from both rage and an attempt to hold back tears. "What makes us so different from him?"
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"And you?" I ask. "What did you do?"
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"Nothing. It's ridiculous," he says. "I don't belong on those tapes. Hannah just wanted an excuse to kill herself."
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I toss the rock back to my other hand. Beyond his shoulder I can see the porch light at Marcus's house. I should make him tell me which window is his. I should tell him this rock is going through one of his house's windows, and he might as well tell me which one is his so I don't scare the hell out of his little sister.
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"You're on the tapes, too," I say. "Right?"
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"Get the hell away from me," I tell him.
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I grip the rock hard. Harder. But there's no way to keep my voice from shaking. "You're a dick, Marcus."
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For a moment, his eyes stare through me. Then he blinks.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
19 / 27
"It's my street, Clay."
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My fingers close and tighten into a fist. I look down at the rock, aching to pick it back up.
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And yet the whole time Courtney was using me, she probably thought she was polishing up her image in my eyes. Can you say… backfire?
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Was I disappointed when you said good-bye to me, Courtney?
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But I turn away. Fast. I walk the full length of the sidewalk in front of Tyler's house without looking at the window. I can't let myself think. I pull the headphones from my neck and place them back in my ears. I reach into my pocket and hit Play.
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Not much. It's hard to be disappointed when what you expected turns out to be true.
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Keep walking, Clay.
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But did I feel used? Absolutely.
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That party turned into a night of firsts for me. I saw my very first fistfight -- which was horrible. I have no idea what it was about, but it started right behind me. Two guys were shouting, and when I turned around, their chests were about an inch apart. A crowd began to form, egging them on. The mob became a thick wall, not about to let the situation die down. All they needed was for one chest to close the gap, even accidentally, and it was on.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
20 / 27
The bump of a chest turned into a shove, which, right away, became a fist pounding a jaw.
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And that's what happened.
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After two more punches, I turned away and pushed through the wall of people, which, by that time, was four bodies deep. Some in the back were standing on tiptoes for a better view.
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Disgusting.
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I ran inside, searching for a bathroom to hide in. I didn't feel physically sick. But mentally… my mind was twisting in so many ways. The only thing I could think of was that I needed to vomit.
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In Health, we once saw a documentary on migraines. One of the men interviewed used to fall on his knees and bang his head against the floor, over and over during attacks. This diverted the pain from deep inside his brain, where he couldn't reach it, to a pain outside that he had control over. And in a way, by vomiting, that's what I hoped to do.
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I'm on to the next thing.
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I pull out my map and look for the nearest star that isn't Courtney's. I'm not going there. I'm not listening to Hannah talk about her while I stare at her dark, empty house.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
21 / 27
Did anyone at that party actually believe she brought me there as a friend? Or did they simply think I was her latest charity case?
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The temperature continues to fall and I tighten my arms around my chest as I walk.
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When I approached the gate, the same gate where I entered the party, guess who was standing there all by himself.
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The exact locations of the red stars are hard to see if I don't stop walking, if I don't stand still beneath a streetlamp. But I can't stop walking. Not even for a moment.
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Watching those guys pummel each other so no one would suspect them of being weak was too much for me. Their reputations were more important than their faces. And Courtney's reputation was more important than my reputation.
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I guess I'll never know.
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I refold the map and tuck it under my arm.
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Tyler Down… fully equipped with his camera.
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It's time to leave Tyler alone, Hannah.
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Unfortunately, the only bathroom I found was occupied… so I went back outside. The fistfight was over, everything had returned to normal, and I needed to leave.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
22 / 27
When he saw me, the look on his face was priceless. And pitiful. He crossed his arms, trying to shield the camera from my view. But why would he do that? Everyone knows he's on the yearbook staff.
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But I asked anyway. "What's that for, Tyler?"
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"What? Oh… this? Um… yearbook."
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And then, from behind me, someone called my name. I'm not going to tell you who because it doesn't matter. Like the person who grabbed my ass at Blue Spot Liquor, what he was about to say was just an aftereffect of someone else's actions -- someone else's callousness.
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I exhale quickly. After this, your reputation is ruined, Courtney.
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"Courtney said I should talk to you," he said.
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I looked behind him. At the far end of the yard, three silver kegs sat in the middle of an inflatable pool full of ice. Beside the pool, Courtney was talking to three boys from another school.
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The boy standing in front of me took a slow sip from his beer. "She says you're fun to hang out with."
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And I started to soften. I started letting my guard down. Sure, maybe I was right and Courtney was only concerned with saving her image. Maybe she thought that by sending a cute boy over to talk to me I'd forget all about her ignoring me at the party.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
23 / 27
"How?"
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Yes, he was kind of cute. And okay, maybe I was willing to have a little selective amnesia.
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I was through with these games! I demanded to know what she said about me.
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I asked him what Courtney said, and he just smiled and looked down at the grass.
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She made that up! Courtney completely made that up.
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He shrugged.
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I started rebuilding my guard, brick by brick. "Fun… how?"
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My breath stops like I've been sucker punched in the stomach.
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But something happened, Hannah. What?
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"That you're fun to hang out with," he repeated.
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After we spoke for a while, this guy said he had a confession to make. Courtney didn't actually send him over to talk to me. But he did overhear her talking about me and that's why he came and found me.
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Ready for this, everyone? Our sweet little Miss Crimsen told this guy, and whoever else was standing within earshot, that I've got a few surprises buried in my dresser drawers.
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By now, the tears were welling up. "Did she say what was in there?" I asked.
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And out of the corner of my eye, I watched Tyler Down start walking away.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
24 / 27
My face felt so hot, my hands started shaking, and I asked him why he believed her. "Do you believe everything people say about me?"
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He told me to calm down, that it didn't matter.
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I asked if he was all right.
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Tyler protested the whole way, thinking I wanted him to take a picture of the keg pool. "They'll never print it," he said. "You know, underage drinking?"
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Right. Why would they want a yearbook that showed actual student life?
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The picture! The one from the scribble book.
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Again, he smiled.
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I swear, at that moment his forehead was glistening. Me and the backrub girl, together again.
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I left him to have a little conversation over by the keg pool. But on my way there, I had a better idea. I ran up to Tyler and stood in front of him. "You want a picture?" I said. "Follow me." Then I grabbed his arm and led him across the yard.
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"Not that," I said. "I want you to take a picture of me. Me and Courtney."
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"Yeah, no, sure, fine." And that's an exact quote.
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"Yes!" I told him. "It does matter."
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In the picture, Hannah's arm is wrapped around Courtney's waist. Hannah's laughing, but Courtney isn't. She's nervous.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
25 / 27
Courtney tried to pull out of my grip. "I… I don't want to," she said.
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Courtney was in the middle of having her cup filled, and I told Tyler to wait right there. When Courtney saw me, she asked if I was having fun.
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And now I know why.
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"Someone wants to take your picture," I said. Then I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her over to Tyler. I told her to put down her cup or the yearbook wouldn't be able to use it.
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Tyler put it in the scribble book at Monet's. He wanted us to see it.
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This was not a part of her plan. She only invited me to the party to clear her beautiful name after ignoring me for so long. A permanent photograph linking us to one another was not supposed to happen.
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I whirled around to face her. "Why not, Courtney? Why did you invite me here? Please don't tell me I was just a chauffeur. I mean, I thought we were becoming friends."
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He must have put it in the scribble book because he knew we would never find it in the yearbook. He would never turn it in. Not after learning what the photograph really meant.
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
26 / 27
"Ready?" Tyler said.
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"We are friends," she said.
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And then someone called my name.
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Part of me wanted to cry for being so right about her invitation. Instead, on the long walk back to my car, I started laughing. And I shouted into the trees, "What is going on?"
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"Find another ride," I said. And I left.
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He told me I was right about the party. "The party does suck."
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I leaned forward, pretending someone had just told me the funniest joke in the world. Click.
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"Then put down your drink," I said. "It's time for a picture."
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Then I told them I was leaving because the party sucked.
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Tyler aimed the camera and focused his lens, waiting for our beautiful, natural smiles. Courtney lowered the drink to her side. I put my arm around her waist and told her, "If you ever want to borrow anything from my dresser, Courtney, all you need to do is ask."
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"What do you want, Tyler?"
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Courtney begged me to stay. She told me to be reasonable. And maybe I was being a little insensitive. I mean, she wasn't ready to leave. How would she get home if her chauffeur didn't wait around for her?
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第六章: 磁带3,A面 Cassette 3, Side A | 十三个理由
27 / 27
"No, Tyler. It doesn't," I said. Then I asked why he was following me.
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At that, I really started laughing. Not specifically at what he said, but at the absurdity of the whole night. Did he really have no clue that I knew about his night prowling -- about his nocturnal missions? Or did he sincerely hope I didn't know? Because as long as I didn't know, we could be friends, right?
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His eyes dropped to his camera and he fiddled with the lens. He needed a ride home, he said.
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"Fine," I said. "But we're not stopping anywhere."
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I have a feeling I'll be doing the same.
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I'm starting to get there, too, Hannah.
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And after I dropped him off, I took the longest possible route home.
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Next side.
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A few times on the ride home he tried talking to me. But each time I cut him off. I did not want to act like everything was okay, because it wasn't.
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I explored alleys and hidden roads I never knew existed. I discovered neighborhoods entirely new to me. And finally… I discovered I was sick of this town and everything in it.
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