第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
1 / 12
Lampposts stand in the various play areas, but most of the bulbs are either burnt out or busted. The bottom half of the rocket slide is hidden in darkness. But near the top, where the rocket climbs higher than the swings and the trees, moonlight hits the metal bars all the way up to the peak.
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Eisenhower Park is empty. I stand silently at the entrance, taking it all in. This is where I'll spend the night. Where I'll listen to the last words Hannah Baker wants to say before I let myself fall asleep.
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I step onto an area of sand surrounding the rocket. I duck beneath its bottom platform, lifted up from the ground by three large metal fins. Above me, a circle the size of a manhole is cut into the lowest level. A metal ladder descends to the sand.
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One… last… try.
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I reach into my jacket pocket and press Play.
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When I stand up, my shoulders poke through the hole. With my good hand, I grip the lip of the circle and climb to the first platform.
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She's whispering. The recorder is close to her mouth and with each break in her words I can hear her breathe.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
2 / 12
And knocks again.
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You didn't, Hannah. I was there for you and you told me to leave.
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Only one person stands between you and this collection of audiotapes: Mr. Porter.
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I'm giving life one more chance. And this time, I'm getting help. I'm asking for help because I cannot do this alone. I've tried that.
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No! He cannot know about this.
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My throat tightens, and I start climbing up the next ladder.
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-- Come in. Sit here.
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The voice is muffled, but it's him. Deep, but friendly.
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Of course, if you're listening to this, I failed. Or he failed. And if he fails, the deal is sealed.
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Mr. Porter, let's see how you do.
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She knocks.
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The sound of Velcro tearing apart. Then stuffing. She's shoving the recorder into something. A backpack? Her jacket?
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-- Hannah. Glad you made it.
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Thank you.
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Our English teacher, but also the guidance counselor for students with last names A through G. Hannah Baker's guidance counselor.
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Hannah and I both have Mr. Porter for first-period English. I see him every day. I do not want him to know about this. Not about me. Not about anyone. To bring an adult into this, someone from school, is beyond what I imagined.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
3 / 12
I don't know where to begin. I mean, I kind of do. But there's so much and I don't know how to sum it all up.
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Her voice is shaky.
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You're going to have to define "friends" if you want an answer to that question.
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Right now I feel lost, I guess. Sort of empty.
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Make her tell you. Keep asking questions, but make her tell you.
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It's just… things. Everything's so hard right now.
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-- Hannah, it's okay. I've got as much time as you need. Whenever you're ready.
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-- Empty how?
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Just empty. Just nothing. I don't care anymore.
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-- You don't need to sum it all up. Why don't we begin with how you're feeling today.
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-- That might take a while.
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Well, that's… I don't know, really. Just everything, I guess.
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-- About?
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Right now?
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-- Don't tell me you don't have friends, Hannah. I see you in the halls.
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About anything. School. Myself. The people in my school.
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-- Right now.
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-- What about your friends?
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-- So, Hannah, how can I help you? What would you like to talk about?
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I'm fine. Thank you.
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A long pause. Too long.
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-- Are you comfortable? Do you want some water?
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
4 / 12
Moonlight catches the smooth metal of the slide. I can imagine Hannah here, about two years ago, pushing off and sliding down.
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-- Yes.
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-- Yes. You are. And I'm glad you're here, Hannah.
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You don't know how hard it was to set up this meeting.
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Slipping away.
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You mean, how can you help?
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-- My schedule's been fairly open this week.
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-- Well, what do you need right now that you're not getting? Let's start there.
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Not hard to schedule. Hard to get myself here.
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Then I don't have any. That's why I'm here, isn't it? I'm turning to you.
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I need it to stop.
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Seriously, I need a definition. How do you know what a friend is?
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-- Again, I'm glad that you're here, Hannah. So tell me, when you leave this office, how do you want things to be different for you?
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-- Someone you can turn to when…
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I guess I… I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm expecting.
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I crawl across the second platform and kneel beside an opening in the bars. An opening big enough for people to crawl through to reach the slide.
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-- You need what to stop?
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
5 / 12
I don't want my life to end. That's why I'm here.
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Another pause.
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-- Life?
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-- Is that what you meant to say, Hannah? Those are very serious words, you know.
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-- It's one thing on top of another. It's too much, isn't it?
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It's too hard.
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Don't apologize. Talk to him!
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-- So what happened, Hannah? How did we get here?
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We? Or how did I get here?
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Yes. The snowball effect. That's what she's been calling it.
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I need everything to stop. People. Life.
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I push myself back from the slide.
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-- You, Hannah. How did you get to this point? I know you can't sum it all up. It's the snowball effect, am I right?
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I know. They are. I'm sorry.
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She knows every word that comes out of her mouth, Mr. Porter. She knows they're serious words. Do something!
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-- Hannah, do you know what you just said?
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-- You said you wanted life to stop, Hannah. Your life?
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No response.
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I grab onto the outer bars of the rocket and pull myself up. My bandaged hand hurts. It stings to put my weight on it, but I don't care.
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She knows what she said, Mr. Porter. She wants you to notice what she said and help her.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
6 / 12
Thank you.
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Okay.
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-- Here. Take this. An entire box of tissues just for you. Never been used.
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-- Let's talk about school, Hannah. So I can get some idea how we -- I'm sorry -- how you got to this point.
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-- Well, that's good to hear.
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-- What do you mean, "get" you?
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-- Can you be a little more specific?
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I do learn here, but that's not what school is for me.
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It's hard because I don't know who's going to… you know… get me next. Or how.
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Learning, I guess.
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Now Mr. Porter laughs.
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A laugh. He got her to laugh!
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A place. Just a place filled with people that I'm required to be with.
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-- Then what is it for you?
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-- When you think of school, what's the first thing that comes to mind?
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At times.
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-- With certain people, or people in general?
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With certain people. But also… everyone.
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-- And that's hard for you?
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I start climbing to the top level.
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I'm kidding.
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I scoot backward across the platform and lean against the metal steering wheel. Above the tree line, the half-moon is almost too bright to look at.
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I sit on the top platform.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
7 / 12
I promise.
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And people have been reacting to it ever since.
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About you?
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No. Listen…
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-- Okay.
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Please listen.
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It's hard to explain unless you've heard some of the rumors about me.
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-- It depends. What have you heard?
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-- I haven't. Teachers, especially a teacher moonlighting as a counselor, tend to get left out of student gossip. Not that we don't have our own gossip.
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-- When was the last time?
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-- Then explain.
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Not like a conspiracy or anything. But it feels like I never know when something's going to pop out of the woodwork.
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Years ago I was voted… you know, in one of those polls. Well, not really a poll, but someone's stupid idea of a list. A best-of and worst-of thing.
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See, that's it. Not all of them are rumors.
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-- But you'll tell me if you hear anything.
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-- When was the last time a rumor… popped up?
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Don't joke, Mr. Porter. Help her. Get back to Hannah. Please.
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-- And get you?
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Nothing. I'm joking.
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He doesn't respond. Did he see it? Does he know what she's talking about?
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I know, it sounds silly.
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He laughs.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
8 / 12
-- I'm not going to judge you, Hannah, but did anything happen that night that you regret?
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So much more than a rumor. But partly, yes.
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-- I understand that. But we need to start somewhere.
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-- Okay, Hannah, can we play Twenty Questions?
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It wasn't really during the party. It was after.
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Yes. But again, it wasn't during the party.
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-- At this party you mentioned, are we talking about a boy?
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Yes.
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-- So, can we play Twenty Questions?
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-- Sometimes it's hard for people to open up, even to a counselor where everything is strictly confidential.
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Recently. At a party. I swear, one of the worst nights of my life.
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I stand up and walk to the outer bars of the rocket. Wrapping my hands around two of the bars, I touch my face to the empty space between them.
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I hear her pull a tissue from the box.
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What?
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Okay.
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He exhales deeply.
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Okay.
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-- Can I ask what happened at this party?
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-- Because of a rumor?
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Yes.
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-- Did anything happen with this boy -- and you can be totally honest with me, Hannah -- did anything happen that might be considered illegal?
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
9 / 12
Tell her, Mr. Porter. Tell her what her options are.
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Nothing. It's over.
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Maybe, but not with me.
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-- Or two, and I'm not trying to be blunt here, Hannah, but you can move on.
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-- Well, if you won't press charges, if you're not sure if you even can press charges, then you have two options.
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What? What are they?
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-- Something needs to be done, Hannah. Something needs to change for you.
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You said there were two options.
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-- Drugs?
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Because there were circumstances.
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-- What can we do to solve this problem, Hannah? Together.
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-- Alcohol?
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You mean, do nothing?
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I know. But what are my options? I need you to tell me.
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No, just more circumstances.
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I don't know.
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I exhale a full breath of air.
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No. I'm… no.
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She sounds hopeful. She's putting too much hope in his answers.
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-- Are you thinking of pressing charges?
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-- Why don't you know?
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-- One, you can confront him. We can call him in here to discuss what happened at this party. I can call you both out of…
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You mean rape? No. I don't think so.
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-- Then what are your options?
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
10 / 12
-- I think there's more we can talk about, Hannah.
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Thank you, Mr. Porter.
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And if that's not a possibility? Then what? Because guess what, Mr. Porter, she won't do it.
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No, I think we've figured it out. I need to move on and get over it.
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He's a senior.
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I got what I came for.
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Move beyond this?
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Do not let her leave.
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I think I'm done here.
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-- It is an option, and that's all we're talking about. Look, something happened, Hannah. I believe you. But if you won't press charges and you won't confront him, you need to consider the possibility of moving beyond this.
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I grip the bars and shut my eyes tight.
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No!
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I scream through the bars. Over the trees. "No!"
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There's a rustle.
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-- So he'll be gone next year.
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It's not a question, Mr. Porter. Don't take it as one. She's thinking out loud. It's not an option because she can't do it. Tell her you're going to help her.
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-- Hannah. Wait. You don't need to leave.
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You want me to move beyond this.
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-- Not get over it, Hannah. But sometimes there's nothing left to do but move on.
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-- Is he in your class, Hannah?
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
11 / 12
I think I've made myself very clear, but no one's stepping forward to stop me.
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I'm walking down the hall.
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I'm talking about my life, Mr. Porter.
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-- Hannah, I don't understand why you're in such a hurry to leave.
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He's letting me go.
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His door is closed behind me. It's staying closed.
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I press my face hard against the bars. They feel like a vise tightening against my skull the further I push.
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He's not coming.
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Her voice is clear. It's louder.
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Do not let her leave that room!
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Who else, Hannah? Your parents? Me? You were not very clear with me.
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Footsteps. Picking up speed.
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A door clicks.
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Because I need to get on with things, Mr. Porter. If nothing's going to change, then I'd better get on with it, right?
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-- Hannah, what are you talking about?
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A lot of you cared, just not enough. And that… that is what I needed to find out.
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The point behind my eyebrow is throbbing so hard, but I don't touch it. I don't rub it. I let it pound.
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Another click. Now the tearing of Velcro.
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You're right. I know.
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A pause.
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-- Hannah, wait.
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第十三章: 磁带7，A面 Cassette 7, Side A |
十三个理由
12 / 12
The footsteps continue. Faster.
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And I'm sorry.
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But some of us won't be willing to say those words back. Some of us will be too angry at Hannah for killing herself and blaming everyone else.
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But I didn't know what you were going through, Hannah.
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And I did find out.
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I would have helped her if she'd only let me. I would have helped her because I want her to be alive.
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With my face pressing against the bars, I begin to cry. If anyone is walking through the park, I know they can hear me. But I don't care if they hear me because I can't believe I just heard the last words I'll ever hear from Hannah Baker.
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The recorder clicks off.
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"I'm sorry." Once again, those were the words. And now, anytime someone says I'm sorry, I'm going to think of her.
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The tape vibrates in the Walkman as it reaches the end of its spool.
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