第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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Laura was a slender girl, of medium height, but looking taller than she was. She was very firmly moulded: she seemed fresh and washed and clean. She had thick hair, very straight and blonde, combed in a flat bracelet around her small head. Her face was white, with small freckles. Her eyes were soft, candid, cat-green. He nose was a little too large for her face: it was tilted. She was not pretty. She dressed very simply and elegantly in short plaid skirts and waists of knitted silk.
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There was at Dixieland a girl named Laura James. She was twenty-one years old. She looked younger. She was there when he came back.
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She was the only young person at Dixieland. Eugene spoke to her with timid hauteur. He thought her plain and dull. But he began to sit with her on the porch at night. Somehow, he began to love her.
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He did not know that he loved her. He talked to her arrogantly and boastfully as they sat in the wooden porch-swing. But he breathed the clean perfume of her marvellous young body. He was trapped in the tender cruelty of her clear green eyes, caught in the subtle net of her smile.
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"Oh, Dave Ficklen! Do you know him? Yes. They both go to Pulpit Hill. Do you go there?"
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"Yes," he said, "that's where I knew them."
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Eugene sat on the porch rail one evening and talked to her. Before, he had only nodded, or spoken stiffly a word or two. They began haltingly, aware painfully of gaps in their conversation.
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Laura James lived in the eastern part of the State, far east even of Pulpit Hill, in a little town built on a salt river of the great coastal plain. Her father was a wealthy merchant -- a wholesale provisioner. The girl was an only child: she spent extravagantly.
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"Yes," said Laura James, "do you know any one from there?"
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"Do you know 'Snooks' Warren? He's a Kappa Sig."
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"Yes," said he, "I know John Bynum and a boy named Ficklen. They're from Little Richmond, aren't they?"
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"You're from Little Richmond, aren't you?" he said.
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He had seen them. They were great swells, football men.
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"Do you know the two Barlow boys? They're Sigma Nus," said Laura James.
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"Yes, I know them," he said, "Roy Barlow and Jack Barlow."
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"What fraternity are you?" said Laura James.
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"Yes. They call them Keg Squeezers," said Eugene.
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They met more and more frequently, without arrangement, until by silent consent they met every night upon the porch. Sometimes they walked along the cool dark streets. Sometimes he squired her clumsily through the town, to the movies, and later, with the uneasy pugnacity of youth, past the loafing cluster at Wood's. Often he took her to Woodson Street, where Helen secured for him the cool privacy of the veranda. She was very fond of Laura James.
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"I'm not any," he said painfully. "I was just a Freshman this year."
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"Some of the best friends I have never joined fraternities," said Laura James.
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But she WAS ugly -- with a clean lovely ugliness. Her face was freckled lightly, over her nose and mouth: her features were eager, unconscious, turned upward in irregular pertness. But she was exquisitely made and exquisitely kept: she had the firm young line of Spring, budding, slender, virginal. She was like something swift, with wings, which hovers in a wood -- among the feathery trees suspected, but uncaught, unseen.
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"She's a nice girl. A lovely girl. I like her. She's not going to take any beauty prizes, is she?" She laughed with a trace of good-natured ridicule.
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"She looks all right," he said. "She's not as ugly as you make out."
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He was displeased.
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He tried to live before her in armor. He showed off before her. Perhaps, he thought, if he were splendid enough, she would not see the ugly disorder and meanness of the world he dwelt in.
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Across the street, on the wide lawn of the Brunswick -- the big brick gabled house that Eliza once had coveted -- Mr. Pratt, who crawled in that mean world in which only a boarding-house husband can exist, was watering wide green spaces of lawn with a hose. The flashing water motes gleamed in the red glare of sunset. The red light fell across the shaven pinched face. It glittered on the buckles of his arm-bands. Across the walk, on the other lobe of grass, several men and women were playing croquet. There was laughter on the vine-hid porch. Next door, at the Belton, the boarders were assembled on the long porch in bright hashhouse chatter. The comedian of the Dixie Ramblers arrived with two chorus girls. He was a little man, with the face of a weasel and no upper teeth. He wore a straw hat with a striped band, and a blue shirt and collar. The boarders gathered in around him. In a moment there was shrill laughter.
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Julius Arthur sped swiftly down the hill, driving his father home. He grinned squintily and flung his arm up in careless greeting. The prosperous lawyer twisted a plump Van Dyked face on a wry neck curiously. Unsmiling, he passed.
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"Why no-o, child. I can't now. Who's that with you?" she cried, obviously flustered. She opened the door. "Huh? Heh? Have you seen 'Gene? Is it 'Gene?"
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A slow bell-clapper in the Belton sent the guests in a scrambling drive for the doors. In a moment there was a clatter of heavy plates and a loud foody noise. The guests on the porch at Dixieland rocked more rapidly, with low mutters of discontent.
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A negress in the Brunswick struck on the several bells of a Japanese gong. There was a scramble of feet on the porch; the croquet players dropped their mallets and walked rapidly toward the house. Pratt wound his hose over a wooden reel.
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"Come on out, Mrs. Gant, and get a breath of fresh air," said Laura James.
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Eugene talked to Laura in thickening dusk, sheeting his pain in pride and indifference. Eliza's face, a white blur in the dark, came up behind the screen.
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"Yes," he said. "What's the matter?"
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"Why, son, what in the world! I don't know. You'll have to do something," she whispered, twisting her hands together.
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"Yes," she said.
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"Where are you going?" asked Laura James. "Are you going off without supper?"
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"Why -- Jannadeau's just called up. Your papa's on a rampage again and he's coming this way. Child! There's no telling what he'll do. I've all these people in the house. He'll ruin us." She wept. "Go and try to stop him. Head him off if you can. Take him to Woodson Street."
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"Come here a minute, boy," she said.
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He leaped down on the walk just as his father lurched in from the street by the high obscuring hedge that shut the house from the spacious yard of the attorney Hall. Gant reeled destructively, across a border of lilies, on to the lawn, and strode for the veranda. He stumbled, cursing, on the bottom step and plunged forward in a sprawl upon the porch. The boy jumped for him, and half dragged, half lifted his great drunken body erect. The boarders shrank into a huddle with a quick scattering of chairs: he greeted them with a laugh of howling contempt.
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He got his hat quickly and ran through the door.
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"What is it?" he asked.
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He went into the hall.
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"I've got to go to town," he said. "I won't be long. Will you wait for me?"
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"What is it, mama? What are you talking about?" he cried irritably.
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"Are you there? I say, are you there? The lowest of the low -- boarding-house swine! Merciful God! What a travesty! A travesty on Nature! That it should come to this!"
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He burst into a long peal of maniacal laughter.
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"Get away! Get away!" he cried, full of shame and anger. "You stay out of this." For a moment he despised her for seeing his hurt.
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Father and son plunged chaotically down the wide dark hall, Eliza, weeping and making gestures, just before them.
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"Oh, let me help you, my dear," Laura James whispered. Her eyes were wet, but she was not afraid.
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"Papa! Come on!" said Eugene in a low voice. He took his father cautiously by the sleeve. Gant flung him half across the porch with a gesture of his hand. As he stepped in again swiftly, his father struck at him with a flailing arm. He evaded the great mowing fist without trouble, and caught the falling body, swung from its own pivot, in his arms. Then quickly, before Gant could recover, holding him from behind, he rushed him toward the door. The boarders scattered away like sparrows. But Laura James was at the screen before him: she flung it open.
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"You damned scoundrel!" Gant yelled, again trying to reap him down with the long arm, "let me up or I'll kill you!"
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"For God's sake, papa," he implored angrily, "try to quiet down. Every one in town can hear you."
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"Take him in here, boy. Take him in here," she whispered, motioning to a large bed-room on the upper side of the house. Eugene propelled his father through a blind passage of bath room, and pushed him over on the creaking width of an iron bed.
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Eliza appeared in the door, her face contorted by weeping.
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"There it is! There! There! Do you see! The fiend-face I know so well, gloating upon my misery. Look at it! Look! Do you see its smile of evil cunning? Greeley, Will, The Hog, The Old Major! The Tax Collector will get it all, and I shall die in the gutter!"
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"To hell with them!" Gant roared. "Mountain Grills -- all of them, fattening upon my heart's-blood. They have done me to death, as sure as there's a God in heaven."
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"Son, can't you do something to stop him?" she said. "He'll ruin us all. He'll drive every one away."
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Gant struggled to stand erect when he saw her. Her white face stirred him to insanity.
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"Mama, for God's sake!" the boy cried. "Don't stand there talking to him! Can't you see what it does to him! Do something, in heaven's name! Get Helen! Where is she?"
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"If it hadn't been for me," Eliza began, stung to retaliation, "you'd have died there long ago."
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"I'll make an end to it all!" Gant yelled, staggering erect. "I'll do for us both now."
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Gant got to his feet again and, taking a farewell kick at his fallen son, lunged toward the door. Eugene scrambled up quickly, and leaped after him. The two men fell heavily into the roughly grained plaster of the wall. Gant cursed, flailing about clumsily at his tormentor. Helen came in.
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Eliza vanished.
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"Yes, sir, papa. It's going to be all right," Eugene began soothingly, pushing him back on the bed again. He dropped quickly to his knees, and began to draw off one of Gant's soft tongueless shoes, muttering reassurances all the time: "Yes, sir. We'll get you some good hot soup and put you to bed in a jiffy. Everything's going to be all right," the shoe came off in his hand and, aided by the furious thrust of his father's foot, he went sprawling back.
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"You get back in that bed," she commanded sharply, "or I'll knock your head off."
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Very obediently he suffered himself to be led back to bed and undressed. In a few minutes she was sitting beside him with a bowl of smoking soup. He grinned sheepishly as she spooned it into his opened mouth. She laughed -- almost happily -- thinking of the lost and irrevocable years. Suddenly, before he slept, he lifted himself strongly from the pillows that propped him, and with staring eyes, called out in savage terror:
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"Hush!" she cried. "No. Of course not! Don't be foolish."
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"Baby!" Gant wept, "they're trying to kill me. O Jesus, do something to save me, or I perish."
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He fell back exhausted, with eyes closed. But they knew that it was. He had never been told. The terrible name of his malady was never uttered save by him. And in his heart he knew -- what they all knew and never spoke of before him -- that it was, it was a cancer. All day, with fear-stark eyes, Gant had sat, like a broken statue, among his marbles, drinking. It was a cancer.
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"Is it a cancer? I say, is it a cancer?"
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He went into the dark bathroom and held his hand under a jet of lukewarm water. A very quiet despair was in his heart, a weary peace that brooded too upon the house of death and tumult, that flowed, like a soft exploring wind, through its dark halls, bathing all things quietly with peace and weariness. The boarders had fled like silly sheep to the two houses across the street: they had eaten there, they were clustered there upon the porches, whispering. And their going brought him peace and freedom, as if his limbs had been freed from a shackling weight. Eliza, amid the slow smoke of the kitchen, wept more quietly over the waste of supper; he saw the black mournful calm of the negress's face. He walked slowly up the dark hall, with a handkerchief tied loosely round his wound. He felt suddenly the peace that comes with despair. The sword that pierces very deep had fared through the folds of his poor armor of pride. The steel had sheared his side, had bitten to his heart. But under his armor he had found himself. No more than himself could be known. No more than himself could be given. What he was -- he was: evasion and pretense could not add to his sum. With all his heart he was glad.
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"Go wash it off," said Helen. "I'll tie it up for you."
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The boy's right hand bled very badly across the wrist, where his father's weight had ground it into the wall.
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"What are you sorry for?" she asked.
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By the door, in the darkness, he found Laura James.
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"I thought you had gone with the others," he said.
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"My dear Laura! My dear Laura!" he said in a choking voice. "My sweet, my beautiful Laura! My lovely Laura. I love you. I love you." The words rushed from his heart, incoherent, unashamed, foaming through the broken levees of pride and silence. They clung together in the dark, with their wet faces pressed mouth to mouth. Her perfume went drunkenly to his brain; her touch upon him shot through his limbs a glow of magic; he felt the pressure of her narrow breasts, eager and lithe, against him with a sense of fear -- as if he had dishonored her -- with a sickening remembrance of his defilement.
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"He's all right now. He's gone to sleep," he answered. "Have you had anything to eat?"
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"No," said Laura James, "how is your father?"
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"Eugene. My dear," she said. She pulled his drooping face down to her lips and kissed him. "My sweet, my darling, don't look like that."
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"No," she said, "I didn't want it."
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He leaned against the wall limply, drained of his strength at her touch.
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"I'll bring you something from the kitchen," he said. "There's plenty there." In a moment he added: "I'm sorry, Laura."
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All his resistance melted from him. He seized her small hands, crushing them in his hot fingers, and devouring them with kisses.
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"Don't go! Don't go! Please don't go!" he begged. "Don't leave, dear. Please!"
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He held between his hands her elegant small head, so gloriously wound with its thick bracelet of fine blonde hair, and spoke the words he had never spoken -- the words of confession, filled with love and humility.
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She saw his hand, wrapped in its bloody bandage; she nursed it gently with soft little cries of tenderness. She fetched a bottle of iodine from her room and painted the stinging cut with a brush. She wrapped it with clean strips of fine white cloth, torn from an old waist, scented with a faint and subtle perfume.
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"Hush!" she whispered. "I won't go! I love you, my dear."
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Then they sat upon the wooden swing. The house seemed to sleep in darkness. Helen and Eliza came presently from its very quiet depth.
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"Let me see! O-ho, you've got a nurse now, haven't you?" she said, with a good laugh.
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"It's all right," he said.
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"How's your hand, 'Gene?" Helen asked.
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"What's that? What's that? Hurt his hand? How'd you do that? Why, here -- say -- I've got the very thing for it, son," said Eliza, trying to bustle off in all directions.
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"Oh forget about it!" said Helen wearily. "Good heavens, mama. Papa's a sick man. Can't you realize that?"
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"Poor old Laura!" she laughed, and hugged the girl roughly with one hand. "It's too bad you have to be dragged into it."
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"Oh, it's all right now, mama. It's been fixed," he said wearily, reflecting that she had the very thing always too late. He looked at Helen grinning:
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"Oh -- how ridiculous! How ridiculous! You can't tell me!" Helen exclaimed angrily.
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"That's all right," said Laura. "I feel like one of the family now anyhow."
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"He needn't think he can carry on like this," said Eliza resentfully. "I'm not going to put up with it any longer."
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"Pshaw!" said Eliza scornfully. "I don't believe there's a thing in the world wrong with him but that vile licker. All his trouble comes from that."
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"Let's talk about the weather," said Eugene.
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"God bless our Happy Home!" he said.
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Then they all sat quietly, letting the darkness soak into them. Finally Helen and Eliza went back into the house: Eliza went unwillingly, at the girl's insistence, casting back the doubtful glimmer of her face upon the boy and girl.
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Eugene and Laura sat with joined hands in the slowly creaking swing. Her touch shot through him like a train of fire: as he put his arm around her shoulders and drew her over to him, his fingers touched the live firm cup of her breast. He jerked his hand away, as if he had been stung, muttering an apology. Whenever she touched him, his flesh got numb and weak. She was a virgin, crisp like celery -- his heart shrank away from the pollution of his touch upon her. It seemed to him that he was much the older, although he was sixteen, and she twenty-one. He felt the age of his loneliness and his dark perception. He felt the gray wisdom of sin -- a waste desert, but seen and known. When he held her hand, he felt as if he had already seduced her. She lifted her lovely face to him, pert and ugly as a boy's; it was inhabited by a true and steadfast decency, and his eyes were wet. All the young beauty in the world dwelt for him in that face that had kept wonder, that had kept innocency, that had lived in such immortal blindness to the terror and foulness of the world. He came to her, like a creature who had travelled its life through dark space, for a moment of peace and conviction on some lonely planet, where now he stood, in the vast enchanted plain of moonlight, with moonlight falling on the moonflower of her face. For if a man should dream of heaven and, waking, find within his hand a flower as token that he had really been there -- what then, what then?
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The wasting helve of the moon rode into heaven over the bulk of the hills. There was a smell of wet grass and lilac, and the vast brooding symphony of the million-noted little night things, rising and falling in a constant ululation, and inhabiting the heart with steady unconscious certitude. The pallid light drowned out the stars, it lay like silence on the earth, it dripped through the leafy web of the young maples, printing the earth with swarming moths of elvish light.
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"There's not much difference," he said. "I can't see that it matters."
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His vision thickened with his pulse. In a moment he answered with terrible difficulty.
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"Eugene," she said presently, "how old are you?"
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"Oh, you child!" she cried. "I thought you were more than that!"
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"I'm twenty-one," she said. "Isn't it a pity?"
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"I'm -- just sixteen."
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"Oh, my dear," she said. "It does! It matters so much!"
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"I'm -- old for my age," he muttered. "How old are you?"
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And he knew that it did -- how much he did not know. But he had his moment. He was not afraid of pain, he was not afraid of loss. He cared nothing for the practical need of the world. He dared to say the strange and marvellous thing that had bloomed so darkly in him.
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"Laura," he said, hearing his low voice sound over the great plain of the moon, "let's always love each other as we do now. Let's never get married. I want you to wait for me and to love me forever. I am going all over the world. I shall go away for years at a time; I shall become famous, but I shall always come back to you. You shall live in a house away in the mountains, you shall wait for me, and keep yourself for me. Will you?" he said, asking for her life as calmly as for an hour of her time.
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"What a lovely girl your sister is," said Laura James. "Aren't you simply crazy about her?"
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"Forget about it," Helen said. "He's getting old."
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"Yes," he said.
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They came out on the veranda.
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In the darkness he caught at his throat.
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They coasted away downhill.
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Eugene made no answer for a moment.
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"She is about you. Any one can see that," said Laura.
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"Yes," he said.
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The moon quartered gently across heaven. Eliza came out again, timidly, hesitantly.
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She was buried in his flesh. She throbbed in the beat of his pulses. She was wine in his blood, a music in his heart.
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"Come down tomorrow, honey," she said to Eugene. "I'll give you a real feed. Laura, you come too. It's not always like this, you know." She laughed, fondling the girl with a big hand.
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"Yes, dear," said Laura in the moonlight, "I will wait for you forever."
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"He has no consideration for you or any one else," Hugh Barton growled. He had returned late from work at his office, to take Helen home. "If he can't do better than this, we'll find a house of our own. I'm not going to have you get down sick on account of him."
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"Yes," he said.
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"I tell you what!" said Eliza, peering dimly at the sky. "It's a fine night, isn't it? As the fellow says, a night for lovers." She laughed uncertainly, then stood for a moment in thought.
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"Who's there? Who's there?" she spoke into the darkness. "Where's 'Gene? Oh! I didn't know! Are you there, son?" She knew very well.
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"That's where I should be," said Laura James, rising.
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"Why don't you sit down, Mrs. Gant?" asked Laura. "I don't see how you stand that hot kitchen all day long. You must be worn out."
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Beside him, Laura gave his hand a quiet squeeze, and rose. Bitterly, he watched his loss.
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"Yes, child," said Eliza. "Go get your beauty sleep. As the saying goes, early to bed and early to rise --"
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"Son," she said in a troubled voice, "why don't you go to bed and get some sleep? It's not good for you staying up till all hours like this."
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"Why law, no!" said Eliza. "I can't, boy. I've all those things to iron."
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"Let's all go, then. Let's all go!" said Eugene impatiently and angrily, wondering if she must always be the last one awake in that house.
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"Good-night, child."
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When she had gone, Eliza sat down beside him, with a sigh of weariness.
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He felt her earnestness beneath her awkward banter. He struggled in a chaos of confused fury, trying for silence. At last he spoke in a low voice, filled with his passion:
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"I tell you what," she said. "That feels good. I wish I had as much time as some folks, and could sit out here enjoying the air." In the darkness, he knew her puckering lips were trying to smile.
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"Hm!" she said, and caught his hand in her rough palm. "Has my baby gone and got him a girl?"
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"What of it? What if it were true?" he said angrily. "Haven't I a right as much as any one?"
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"Good-night, all. Good-night, Mrs. Gant."
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"Pshaw!" said Eliza. "You're too young to think of them. I wouldn't pay any attention to them, if I were you. Most of them haven't an idea in the world except going out to parties and having a good time. I don't want my boy to waste his time on them."
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"We've got to have something, mama. We've got to have something, you know. We can't go on always alone -- alone."
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"I know!" Eliza agreed hastily. "I'm not saying --"
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It was dark. No one could see. He let the gates swing open. He wept.
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"My God, my God, where are we going? What's it all about? He's dying -- can't you see it? Don't you know it? Look at his life. Look at yours. No light, no love, no comfort -- nothing." His voice rose frantically: he beat on his ribs like a drum. "Mama, mama, in God's name, what is it? What do you want? Are you going to strangle and drown us all? Don't you own enough? Do you want more string? Do you want more bottles? By God, I'll go around collecting them if you say so." His voice had risen almost to a scream. "But tell me what you want. Don't you own enough? Do you want the town? What is it?"
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"Why, I don't know what you're talking about, boy," said Eliza angrily. "If I hadn't tried to accumulate a little property none of you would have had a roof to call your own, for your papa, I can assure you, would have squandered everything."
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"A roof to call our own!" he yelled, with a crazy laugh. "Good God, we haven't a bed to call our own. We haven't a room to call our own. We have not a quilt to call our own that might not be taken from us to warm the mob that rocks upon this porch and grumbles."
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"I've done the best I could!" she said. "I'd have given you a home if I could. I'd have put up with anything after Grover's death, but he never gave me a moment's peace. Nobody knows what I've been through. Nobody knows, child. Nobody knows."
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"It's all right, mama," he said painfully. "Forget about it! I know."
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He saw her face in the moonlight, contorted by an ugly grimace of sorrow. What she had said, he knew, was fair and honest. He was touched deeply.
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"Now, you may sneer at the boarders all you like --" Eliza began sternly.
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"Don't!" he said. "Don't, mama! Please!"
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"No," he said. "I can't. There's not breath or strength enough in me to sneer at them all I like."
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"Nobody knows," said Eliza. "Nobody knows. I need some one too. I've had a hard life, son, full of pain and trouble." Slowly, like a child again, she wiped her wet weak eyes with the back of her hand.
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Eliza began to weep.
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She seized his hand almost gratefully and laid her white face, still twisted with her grief, against his shoulder. It was the gesture of a child; a gesture that asked for love, pity, and tenderness. It tore up great roots in him, bloodily.
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They were silent a moment. He held her rough hand tightly, and kissed her.
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Ah, he thought, as his heart twisted in him full of wild pain and regret, she will be dead some day and I shall always remember this. Always this. This.
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"Well," Eliza began, full of cheerful prophecy, "I tell you what: I'm not going to spend my life slaving away here for a lot of boarders. They needn't think it. I'm going to set back and take things as easy as any of them." She winked knowingly at him. "When you come home next time, you may find me living in a big house in Doak Park. I've got the lot -- the best lot out there for view and location, far better than the one W. J. Bryan has. I made the trade with old Dr. Doak himself, the other day. Look here! What about!" She laughed. "He said, 'Mrs. Gant, I can't trust any of my agents with you. If I'm to make anything on this deal, I've got to look out. You're the sharpest trader in this town.' 'Why, pshaw! Doctor,' I said (I never let on I believed him or anything), 'all I want is a fair return on my investment. I believe in every one making his profit and giving the other fellow a chance. Keep the ball a-rolling!' I said, laughing as big as you please. 'Why, Mrs. Gant!' he said --" She was off on a lengthy divagation, recording with an absorbed gusto the interminable minutia of her transaction with the worthy Quinine King, with the attendant phenomena, during the time, of birds, bees, flowers, sun, clouds, dogs, cows, and people. She was pleased. She was happy.
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"Yes," he said, "yes. That would be nice. You mustn't work all your life."
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Presently, returning to an abrupt reflective pause, she said: "Well, I may do it. I want a place where my children can come to see me and bring their friends, when they come home."
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"I hope you do," he said. "It would be nice… Go on to bed now, why don't you, mama? It's getting late." He rose. "I'm going now."
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He was pleased at her happy fable: for a moment he almost believed in a miracle of redemption, although the story was an old one to him.
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But before he went to bed, he descended to the kitchen for matches. She was still there, beyond the long littered table, at her ironing board, flanked by two big piles of laundry. At his accusing glance she said hastily:
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"Yes, son," she said, getting up. "You ought to. Well, good-night." They kissed with a love, for the time, washed clean of bitterness. Eliza went before him into the dark house.
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He rounded the table, before he left, to kiss her again. She fished into a button-box on the sewing-machine and dug out the stub of a pencil. Gripping it firmly above an old envelope, she scrawled out on the ironing board a rough mapping. Her mind was still lulled in its project.
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"I'm a-going. Right away. I just wanted to finish up these towels."
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"Here, you see," she began, "is Sunset Avenue, coming up the hill. This is Doak Place, running off here at right angles. Now this corner-lot here belongs to Dick Webster; and right here above it, at the very top is --"
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Is, he thought, staring with dull interest, the place where the Buried Treasure lies. Ten paces N. N. E. from the Big Rock, at the roots of the Old Oak Tree. He went off into his delightful fantasy while she talked. What if there WAS a buried treasure on one of Eliza's lots? If she kept on buying, there might very well be. Or why not an oil-well? Or a coal-mine? These famous mountains were full (they said) of minerals. 150 Bbl. a day right in the backyard. How much would that be? At $3.00 a Bbl., there would be over $50.00 a day for every one in the family. The world is ours!
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"You see, don't you?" she smiled triumphantly. "And right there is where I shall build. That lot will bring twice its present value in five years."
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"Yes," he said, kissing her. "Good-night, mama. For God's sake, go to bed and get some sleep."
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He did not turn on the light, because he disliked seeing the raw blistered varnish of the dresser and the bent white iron of the bed. It sagged, and the light was dim -- he hated dim lights, and the large moths, flapping blindly around on their dusty wings. He undressed in the moon. The moonlight fell upon the earth like a magic unearthly dawn. It wiped away all rawness, it hid all sores. It gave all common and familiar things -- the sagging drift of the barn, the raw shed of the creamery, the rich curve of the lawyer's crab-apple trees -- a uniform bloom of wonder. He lighted a cigarette, watching its red glowing suspiration in the mirror, and leaned upon the rail of his porch, looking out. Presently, he grew aware that Laura James, eight feet away, was watching him. The moonlight fell upon them, bathing their flesh in a green pallor, and steeping them in its silence. Their faces were blocked in miraculous darkness, out of which, seeing but unseen, their bright eyes lived. They gazed at each other in that elfin light, without speaking. In the room below them, the light crawled to his father's bed, swam up the cover, and opened across his face, thrust sharply upward. The air of the night, the air of the hills, fell on the boy's bare flesh like a sluice of clear water. His toes curled in to grip wet grasses.
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"Good-night, son," said Eliza.
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He went out and began to mount the dark stairs. Benjamin Gant, entering at this moment, stumbled across a mission-chair in the hall. He cursed fiercely, and struck at the chair with his hand. Damn it! Oh damn it! Mrs. Pert whispered a warning behind him, with a fuzzy laugh. Eugene paused, then mounted softly the carpeted stair, so that he would not be heard, entering the sleeping-porch at the top of the landing on which he slept.
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Then they held each other tightly in their cool young arms, and kissed many times with young lips and faces. All her hair fell down about her like thick corn-silk, in a sweet loose wantonness. Her straight dainty legs were clad in snug little green bloomers, gathered in by an elastic above the knee.
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On the landing, he heard Mrs. Pert go softly up to bed, fumbling with blind care at the walls. Doors creaked and clicked. The house grew solidly into quiet, like a stone beneath the moon. They looked, waiting for a spell and the conquest of time. Then she spoke to him -- her whisper of his name was only a guess at sound. He threw his leg across the rail, and thrust his long body over space to the sill of her window, stretching out like a cat. She drew her breath in sharply, and cried out softly, "No! No!" but she caught his arms upon the sills and held him as he twisted in.
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They were locked limb to limb: he kissed the smooth sheen of her arms and shoulders -- the passion that numbed his limbs was governed by a religious ecstasy. He wanted to hold her, and go away by himself to think about her.
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"Good-night, my dear. Kiss me good-night. Do you love me?"
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"What are you doing?" she whispered. "Don't hurt me."
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"I won't hurt you, my dear," he said. "I'm going to put you to bed. Yes. I'm going to put you to bed. Do you hear?" He felt he must cry out in his throat for joy.
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He stooped, thrusting his arm under her knees, and lifted her up exultantly. She looked at him frightened, holding him more tightly.
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He carried her over and laid her on the bed. Then he knelt beside her, putting his arm beneath her and gathering her to him.
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"Yes." She kissed him. "Good-night, my darling. Don't go back by the window. You may fall."
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But he went, as he came, reaching through the moonlight exultantly like a cat. For a long time he lay awake, in a quiet delirium, his heart thudding fiercely against his ribs. Sleep crept across his senses with goose-soft warmth: the young leaves of the maples rustled, a cock sounded his distant elfin minstrelsy, the ghost of a dog howled. He slept.
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He awoke with a high hot sun beating in on his face through the porch awnings. He hated to awake in sunlight. Some day he would sleep in a great room that was always cool and dark. There would be trees and vines at his windows, or the scooped-out lift of the hill. His clothing was wet with night-damp as he dressed. When he went downstairs he found Gant rocking miserably upon the porch, his hand gripped over a walkingstick.
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"It stuck in my throat," said Gant, who had eaten heartily. "I couldn't swallow a bite. How's your hand, son?" he asked very humbly.
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"You'll feel better in a little," said Eugene. "Did you eat anything?"
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"I'm sorry for what I've done," he said. "I'm a sick man. Do you need money?"
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"Merciful God! I'm being punished for my sins."
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"She said I had hurt your hand," said Gant sorrowfully.
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"Good-morning," he said, "how do you feel?"
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His father cast his uneasy flickering eyes on him, and groaned.
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"Ah-h!" said the boy angrily. "No. I wasn't hurt."
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Gant leaned to the side and, without looking, clumsily, patted his son's uninjured hand.
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"Oh, it's all right," said Eugene quickly. "Who told you about my hand?"
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But instead, he waited until Laura James returned from her morning visit to the city's bathing-pool. She came with her bathing-suit in one hand, and several small packages in the other. More arrived by negro carriers. She paid and signed,
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"No," said Eugene, embarrassed. "I have all I need."
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"Come to the office today, and I'll give you something," said Gant. "Poor child, I suppose you're hard up."
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"I'm going on a picnic."
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"That is the idea, my girl. That is the idea," he said exultantly, in throaty and exuberant burlesque. "We will go off somewhere alone -- we will take along something to eat," he said lusciously.
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"I'm going to the bank," he said ironically. "I wanted something to carry my money in." But immediately he added roughly:
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"What do you want that for?" she said suspiciously.
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Laura went to her room and put on a pair of sturdy little slippers. Eugene went into the kitchen.
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"I'd love to go off somewhere with you," said Laura James.
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"You must have a lot of money, Laura?" he said. "You do this every day, don't you?"
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"What are you going to do now?"
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"Have you a shoe-box?" he asked Eliza.
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"Nothing -- whatever you like. It's a lovely day to do something, isn't it?"
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"Daddy gets after me about it," she admitted, "but I love to buy clothes. I spend all my money on clothes."
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"It's a lovely day to do nothing. Would you like to go off somewhere, Laura?"
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"Huh? Hah? What's that you say?" said Eliza. "A picnic? Who are you going with? That girl?"
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"No," he said heavily, "with President Wilson, the King of England, and Dr. Doak. We're going to have lemonade -- I've promised to bring the lemons."
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"I'll vow, boy!" said Eliza fretfully. "I don't like it -- your running off this way when I need you. I wanted you to make a deposit for me, and the telephone people will disconnect me if I don't send them the money today."
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"O mama! For God's sake!" he cried annoyed. "You always need me when I want to go somewhere. Let them wait! They can wait a day."
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"Have you got anything to eat?"
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"It's overdue," she said. "Well, here you are. I wish I had time to go off on picnics." She fished a shoe-box out of a pile of magazines and newspapers that littered the top of a low cupboard.
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"We'll get it," he said, and departed.
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They went down the hill, and paused at the musty little grocery around the corner on Woodson Street, where they bought crackers, peanut butter, currant jelly, bottled pickles, and a big slice of rich yellow cheese. The grocer was an old Jew who muttered jargon into a rabbi's beard as if saying a spell against Dybbuks. The boy looked closely to see if his hands touched the food. They were not clean.
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Ben snickered quietly.
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"Did he say anything to the boarders?"
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"O-oh my God!" Ben said at length, yawning wearily. He lighted a cigarette. "How's the Old Man this morning?"
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"Oh, no. Of course not. He was just drunk. He was sorry about it this morning."
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"Did he hurt your hand? Let's see."
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"He didn't hit you, did he?" asked Ben sternly.
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"'You damned scoundrels! You dirty Mountain Grills! Whee --!' That was all."
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On their way up the hill, they stopped for a few minutes at Gant's. They found Helen and Ben in the dining-room. Ben was eating breakfast, bending, as usual, with scowling attention, over his coffee, turning from eggs and bacon almost with disgust. Helen insisted on contributing boiled eggs and sandwiches to their provision: the two women went back into the kitchen. Eugene sat at table with Ben, drinking coffee.
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"No. You can't see anything. It's not hurt," said Eugene, lifting his bandaged wrist.
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"He's all right, I think. Said he couldn't eat breakfast."
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"Yes," said Ben, "he's always sorry about it -- after he's raised all the hell he can." He drank deeply at his cigarette, inhaling the smoke as if in the grip of a powerful drug.
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"How'd you get along at college this year, 'Gene?" he asked presently.
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"You mean last Fall?"
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"I passed my work. I made fair grades -- if that's what you mean? I did better -- this Spring," he added, with some difficulty. "It was hard getting started -- at the beginning."
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"What was the matter?" said Ben, scowling at him. "Did the other boys make fun of you?"
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"Why did they? You mean they didn't think you were good enough for them? Did they look down on you? Was that it?" said Ben savagely.
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Eugene nodded.
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"Yes," said Eugene, in a low voice.
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"No," said Eugene, very red in the face. "No. That had nothing to do with it. I look funny, I suppose. I looked funny to them."
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"What do you mean you look funny?" said Ben pugnaciously. "There's nothing wrong with you, you know, if you didn't go around looking like a bum. In God's name," he exclaimed angrily, "when did you get that hair cut last? What do you think you are: the Wild Man from Borneo?"
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"I don't like barbers!" Eugene burst out furiously. "That's why! I don't want them to go sticking their damned dirty fingers in my mouth. Whose business is it, if I never get my hair cut?"
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"A man is judged by his appearance today," said Ben sententiously. "I was reading an article by a big business man in The Post the other day. He says he always looks at a man's shoes before he gives him a job."
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He spoke seriously, haltingly, in the same way that he read, without genuine conviction. Eugene writhed to hear his fierce condor prattle this stale hash of the canny millionaires, like any obedient parrot in a teller's cage. Ben's voice had a dull flat quality as he uttered these admirable opinions: he seemed to grope behind it all for some answer, with hurt puzzled eyes. As he faltered along, with scowling intensity, through a success-sermon, there was something poignantly moving in his effort: it was the effort of his strange and lonely spirit to find some entrance into life -- to find success, position, companionship. And it was as if, spelling the words out with his mouth, a settler in the Bronx from the fat Lombard plain, should try to unriddle the new world by deciphering the World Almanac, or as if some woodsman, trapped by the winter, and wasted by an obscure and terrible disease, should hunt its symptoms and its cure in a book of Household Remedies.
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"I had plenty," said Eugene, "all that I needed."
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"I didn't have any one to tell me," said Ben. "Besides, you don't think the Old Man would give me anything, do you?" He laughed cynically. "It's too late now."
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"Did the Old Man send you enough money to get along on?" Ben asked. "Were you able to hold your own with the other boys? He can afford it, you know. Don't let him stint you. Make him give it to you, 'Gene."
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"This is the time you need it -- not later," said Ben. "Make him put you through college. This is an age of specialization. They're looking for college-trained men."
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"Why didn't you go yourself?" said Eugene curiously.
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"Yes," said Eugene. He spoke obediently, indifferently, the hard bright mail of his mind undinted by the jargon: within, the Other One, who had no speech, saw.
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"So get your education," said Ben, scowling vaguely. "All the Big Men -- Ford, Edison, Rockefeller -- whether they had it or not, say it's a good thing."
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He was silent a moment; he smoked.
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"You didn't know I was taking a course in advertising, did you?" he asked, grinning.
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"So, you see you're not the only College Man around here," said Ben with a grin. In a moment, he went on gravely: "You're the last hope, 'Gene. Go on and finish up, if you have to steal the money. The rest of us will never amount to a damn. Try to make something out of yourself. Hold your head up! You're as good as any of them -- a damn sight better than these little pimps about town." He became very fierce; he was very excited. He got up suddenly from the table. "Don't let them laugh at you! By God, we're as good as they are. If any of them laughs at you again, pick up the first damn thing you get your hand on and knock him down. Do you hear?" In his fierce excitement he snatched up the heavy carving steel from the table and brandished it.
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"No. Where?"
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A blinding mist swam across the younger brother's eyes. He did not know why. A convulsive knot gathered in his throat. He bent his head quickly and fumbled for his cigarettes. In a moment he said:
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"Through the Correspondence School," said Ben. "I get my lessons every week. I don't know," he laughed diffidently, "I must be good at it. I make the highest grades they have -- 98 or 100 every time. I get a diploma, if I finish the course."
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"I'm glad you're doing it. I hope you finish, Ben."
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"You know," Ben said seriously, "they've turned out some Big Men. I'll show you the testimonials some time. Men who started with nothing: now they're holding down big jobs."
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"I hope you do," said Eugene.
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Helen came out on the high front porch with them as they departed. As usual, she had added a double heaping measure to what they needed. There was another shoe-box stuffed with sandwiches, boiled eggs, and fudge.
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"I hope you have sense enough now to leave those old hookers alone?" said Ben very sternly. Eugene made no answer. "You can't do that and be anything, you know. And you're likely to catch everything. This looks like a nice girl," he said quietly, after a pause. "For heaven's sake, fix yourself up and try to keep fairly clean. Women notice that, you know. Look at your fingernails, and keep your clothes pressed. Have you any money?"
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"Yes," said Eugene awkwardly. "I think it's going to be all right now. I didn't know how to do at first."
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"All I need," said Eugene, looking nervously toward the kitchen. "Don't, for God's sake!"
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"Put it in your pocket, you little fool," Ben said angrily, thrusting a bill into his hand. "You've got to have some money. Keep it until you need it."
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She stood on the high step-edge, with a cloth wound over her head, her gaunt arms, pitted with old scars, akimbo. A warm sunny odor of nasturtiums, loamy earth, and honeysuckle washed round them its hot spermy waves.
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"Ain't love grand! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at his face, Laura." She drew the girl close to her in a generous hug, laughing, Oh, with laughing pity, and as they mounted the hill, she stood there, in the sunlight, her mouth slightly open, smiling, touched with radiance, beauty, and wonder.
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With a rough snigger she prodded him in the ribs:
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They mounted slowly toward the eastern edge of town, by the long upward sweep of Academy Street, which bordered the negro settlement sprawled below it. At the end of Academy Street, the hill loomed abruptly; a sinuous road, well paved, curved up along the hillside to the right. They turned into this road, mounting now along the eastern edge of Niggertown. The settlement fell sharply away below them, rushing down along a series of long clay streets. There were a few frame houses by the roadside: the dwellings of negroes and poor white people, but these became sparser as they mounted. They walked at a leisurely pace up the cool road speckled with little dancing patches of light that filtered through the arching trees and shaded on the left by the dense massed foliage of the hill. Out of this green loveliness loomed the huge raw turret of a cement reservoir: it was streaked and blotted coolly with water-marks. Eugene felt thirsty. Further along, the escape from a smaller reservoir roared from a pipe in a foaming hawser, as thick as a man's body.
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"O-ho! A-ha!" she winked comically. "I know something! I'm not as blind as you think, you know --" She nodded with significant jocularity, her big smiling face drenched in the curious radiance and purity that occasionally dwelt so beautifully there. He thought always when he saw her thus, of a sky washed after rain, of wide crystalline distances, cool and clean.
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But the hills were lordly, with a plan. Westward, they widened into the sun, soaring up from buttressing shoulders. The town was thrown up on the plateau like an encampment: there was nothing below him that could resist time. There was no idea. Below him, in a cup, he felt that all life was held: he saw it as might one of the old schoolmen writing in monkish Latin a Theatre of Human Life; or like Peter Breughel, in one of his swarming pictures. It seemed to him suddenly that he had not come up on the hill from the town, but that he had come out of the wilderness like a beast, and was staring now with steady beast-eye at this little huddle of wood and mortar which the wilderness must one day repossess, devour, cover over.
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They climbed sharply up, along a rocky trail, avoiding the last long corkscrew of the road, and stood in the gap, at the road's summit. They were only a few hundred feet above the town: it lay before them with the sharp nearness of a Sienese picture, at once close and far. On the highest ground, he saw the solid masonry of the Square, blocked cleanly out in light and shadow, and a crawling toy that was a car, and men no bigger than sparrows. And about the Square was the treeless brick jungle of business -- cheap, ragged, and ugly, and beyond all this, in indefinite patches, the houses where all the people lived, with little bright raw ulcers of suburbia further off, and the healing and concealing grace of fair massed trees. And below him, weltering up from the hollow along the flanks and shoulders of the hill, was Niggertown. There seemed to be a kind of centre at the Square, where all the cars crawled in and waited, yet there was no purpose anywhere.
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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They turned from the railing, with recovered wind, and walked through the gap, under Philip Roseberry's great arched bridge. To the left, on the summit, the rich Jew had his cattle, his stables, his horses, his cows, and his daughters. As they went under the shadow of the bridge Eugene lifted his head and shouted. His voice bounded against the arch like a stone. They passed under and stood on the other side of the gap, looking from the road's edge down into the cove. But they could not yet see the cove, save for green glimmers. The hillside was thickly wooded, the road wound down its side in a white perpetual corkscrew. But they could look across at the fair wild hills on the other side of the cove, cleared halfway up their flanks with ample field and fenced meadow, and forested above with a billowing sea of greenery.
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The seventh from the top was Troy -- but Helen had lived there; and so the German dug it up.
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The day was like gold and sapphires: there was a swift flash and sparkle, intangible and multifarious, like sunlight on roughened water, all over the land. A rich warm wind was blowing, turning all the leaves back the same way, and making mellow music through all the lute-strings of flower and grass and fruit. The wind moaned, not with the mad fiend-voice of winter in harsh boughs, but like a fruitful woman, deep-breasted, great, full of love and wisdom; like Demeter unseen and hunting through the world. A dog bayed faintly in the cove, his howl spent and broken by the wind. A cowbell tinkled gustily. In the thick wood below them the rich notes of birds fell from their throats, straight down, like nuggets. A woodpecker drummed on the dry unbarked hole of a blasted chestnut-tree. The blue gulf of the sky was spread with light massy clouds: they cruised like swift galleons, tacking across the hills before the wind, and darkening the trees below with their floating shadows.
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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The boy grew blind with love and desire: the cup of his heart was glutted with all this wonder. It overcame and weakened him. He grasped the girl's cool fingers. They stood leg to leg, riven into each other's flesh. Then they left the road, cutting down across its loops along steep wooded paths. The wood was a vast green church; the bird-cries fell like plums. A great butterfly, with wings of blue velvet streaked with gold and scarlet markings, fluttered heavily before them in freckled sunlight, tottering to rest finally upon a spray of dogwood. There were light skimming noises in the dense undergrowth to either side, the swift bullet-shadows of birds. A garter snake, greener than wet moss, as long as a shoelace and no thicker than a woman's little finger, shot across the path, its tiny eyes bright with terror, its small forked tongue playing from its mouth like an electric spark. Laura cried out, drawing back in sharp terror; at her cry he snatched up a stone in a wild lust to kill the tiny creature that shot at them, through its coils, the old snake-fear, touching them with beauty, with horror, with something supernatural. But the snake glided away into the undergrowth and, with a feeling of strong shame, he threw the stone away. "They won't hurt you," he said.
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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At length, they came out above the cove, at a forking of the road. They turned left, to the north, toward the upper and smaller end. To the south, the cove widened out in a rich little Eden of farm and pasture. Small houses dotted the land, there were green meadows and a glint of water. Fields of young green wheat bent rhythmically under the wind; the young corn stood waist-high, with light clashing blades. The chimneys of Rheinhart's house showed above its obscuring grove of maples; the fat dairy cows grazed slowly across the wide pastures. And further below, half tree-and-shrub-hidden, lay the rich acres of Judge Webster Tayloe. The road was thickly coated with white dust; it dipped down and ran through a little brook. They crossed over on white rocks, strewn across its bed. Several ducks, scarcely disturbed by their crossing, waddled up out of the clear water and regarded them gravely, like little children in white choir aprons. A young country fellow clattered by them in a buggy filled with empty milk-cans. He grinned with a cordial red face, saluting them with a slow gesture, and leaving behind an odor of milk and sweat and butter. A woman, in a field above them, stared curiously with shaded eyes. In another field, a man was mowing with a scythe, moving into the grass like a god upon his enemies, with a reaping hook of light.
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Laura and Eugene lay upon their backs, looking up through the high green shimmer of leaves at the Caribbean sky, with all its fleet of cloudy ships. The water of the brook made a noise like silence. The town behind the hill lay in another unthinkable world. They forgot its pain and conflict.
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"Let's stop here," said Eugene. The grass was thick with dandelions: their poignant and wordless odor studded the earth with yellow magic. They were like gnomes and elves, and tiny witchcraft in flower and acorn.
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They left the road near the head of the cove, advancing over the fields on rising ground to the wooded cup of the hills. There was a powerful masculine stench of broad dock-leaves, a hot weedy odor. They moved over a pathless field, knee-high in a dry stubbly waste, gathering on their clothes clusters of brown cockle-burrs. All the field was sown with hot odorous daisies. Then they entered the wood again, mounting until they came to an island of tender grass, by a little brook that fell down from the green hill along a rocky ferny bed in bright cascades.
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"Why!" she exclaimed, surprised. "It's only half-past twelve!"
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"What time is it?" Eugene asked. For, they had come to a place where no time was. Laura held up her exquisite wrist, and looked at her watch.
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But he scarcely heard her.
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"What do I care what time it is!" he said huskily, and he seized the lovely hand, bound with its silken watch-cord, and kissed it. Her long cool fingers closed around his own; she drew his face down to her mouth.
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They lay there, locked together, upon that magic carpet, in that paradise. Her gray eyes were deeper and clearer than a pool of clear water; he kissed the little freckles on her rare skin; he gazed reverently at the snub tilt of her nose; he watched the mirrored dance of the sparkling water over her face. All of that magic world -- flower and field and sky and hill, and all the sweet woodland cries, sound and sight and odor -- grew into him, one voice in his heart, one tongue in his brain, harmonious, radiant, and whole -- a single passionate lyrical noise.
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"My dear! Darling! Do you remember last night?" he asked fondly, as if recalling some event of her childhood.
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"Oh, what are we going to do? What are we going to do?" she moaned, turning her head to the side and flinging an arm across her eyes.
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"Eugene -- my dear, you're only a child. I'm so old -- a grown woman."
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"Oh!" she said. "You don't know what you're saying. It's all the difference in the world."
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"Do you remember what I said -- what I asked you to do?" he insisted eagerly.
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"Yes," she gathered her arms tightly about his neck, "why do you think I could forget it?"
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"What is it? What's the matter? Dear?"
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"You're only twenty-one," he said. "There's only five years' difference. That's nothing."
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"When I'm twenty, you'll be twenty-five. When I'm twenty-six, you'll be thirty-one. When I'm forty-eight, you'll be fifty-three. What's that?" he said contemptuously. "Nothing."
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"Everything," she said, "everything. If I were sixteen, and you twenty-one it would be nothing. But you're a boy and I'm a woman. When you're a young man I'll be an old maid; when you grow old I shall be dying. How do you know where you'll be, what you'll be doing five years from now?" she continued in a moment. "You're only a boy -- you've just started college. You have no plans yet. You don't know what you're going to do."
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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"You're going to be a lawyer," said Laura, "and you're going everywhere in the world, and I'm to wait for you, and never get married. You poor kid!" She laughed softly. "You don't know what you're going to do."
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"Yes, I do!" he yelled furiously. "I'm going to be a lawyer. That's what they're sending me for. I'm going to be a lawyer, and I'm going into politics. Perhaps," he added with gloomy pleasure, "you'll be sorry then, after I make a name for myself." With bitter joy he foresaw his lonely celebrity. The Governor's Mansion. Forty rooms. Alone. Alone.
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He turned a face of misery on her; brightness dropped from the sun.
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"Oh, my dear," she said, "I do care. But people don't live like that. It's like a story. Don't you know that I'm a grown woman? At my age, dear, most girls have begun to think of getting married. What -- what if I had begun to think of it, too?"
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"You don't care?" he choked. "You don't care?" He bent his head to hide his wet eyes.
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"Married!" The word came from him in a huge gasp of horror as if she had mentioned the abominable, proposed the unspeakable. Then, having heard the monstrous suggestion, he immediately accepted it as a fact. He was like that.
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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Nakedly, with breast bare to horror, he scourged himself, knowing in the moment that the nightmare cruelty of life is not in the remote and fantastic, but in the probable -- the horror of love, loss, marriage, the ninety seconds treason in the dark.
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"So! That's it!" he said furiously. "You're going to get married, eh? You have fellows, have you? You go out with them, do you? You've known it all the time, and you've tried to fool me."
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"You have fellows -- you let them feel you. They feel your legs, they play with your breasts, they --" His voice became inaudible through strangulation.
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"Laura! My dear! My sweet! Don't leave me alone! I've been alone! I've always been alone!"
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"No. No, my dear. I haven't said so," she rose swiftly to a sitting position, taking his hands. "But there's nothing unusual about getting married, you know. Most people do. Oh, my dear! Don't look like that! Nothing has happened. Nothing! Nothing!"
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He seized her fiercely, unable to speak. Then he buried his face in her neck.
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"It's what you want, dear. It's what you'll always want. You couldn't stand anything else. You'd get so tired of me. You'll forget this ever happened. You'll forget me. You'll forget -- forget."
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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They clung together in that bright moment of wonder, there on the magic island, where the world was quiet, believing all they said. And who shall say -- whatever disenchantment follows -- that we ever forget magic, or that we can ever betray, on this leaden earth, the apple-tree, the singing, and the gold? Far out beyond that timeless valley, a train, on the rails for the East, wailed back its ghostly cry: life, like a fume of painted smoke, a broken wrack of cloud, drifted away. Their world was a singing voice again: they were young and they could never die. This would endure.
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"Forget! I'll never forget! I won't live long enough."
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He kissed her on her splendid eyes; he grew into her young Mænad's body, his heart numbed deliciously against the pressure of her narrow breasts. She was as lithe and yielding to his sustaining hand as a willow rod -- she was bird-swift, more elusive in repose than the dancing water-motes upon her face. He held her tightly lest she grow into the tree again, or be gone amid the wood like smoke.
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"And I'll never love any one else! I'll never leave you! I'll wait for you forever! Oh, my child, my child!"
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第三十章 | 天使,望故乡
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Come up into the hills, O my young love. Return! O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again, as first I knew you in the timeless valley, where we shall feel ourselves anew, bedded on magic in the month of June. There was a place where all the sun went glistening in your hair, and from the hill we could have put a finger on a star. Where is the day that melted into one rich noise? Where the music of your flesh, the rhyme of your teeth, the dainty languor of your legs, your small firm arms, your slender fingers, to be bitten like an apple, and the little cherry-teats of your white breasts? And where are all the tiny wires of finespun maidenhair? Quick are the mouths of earth, and quick the teeth that fed upon this loveliness. You who were made for music, will hear music no more: in your dark house the winds are silent. Ghost, ghost, come back from that marriage that we did not foresee, return not into life, but into magic, where we have never died, into the enchanted wood, where we still lie, strewn on the grass. Come up into the hills, O my young love: return. O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.
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