I remember that Richard comes to me, and again puts his shoe to my skirts, to nudge me, then stands and laughs when I will not stir, then leaves me.
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The night which follows I remember brokenly. I remember that I keep at the side of the bed with my eyes quite hidden, and will not rise and go down to the kitchen, as Mrs Sucksby wishes.
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That I must rise at last, to visit the privy; and that the red-haired, fat-faced girl -- Dainty -- is made to show me to it, then stands at the door to keep me from running from it into the night.
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I remember that I weep again, and am given more of my drops in brandy.
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I remember that someone brings me soup, which I will not eat. That the lamp is taken away and the room made dark.
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That I am undressed and put in a night-gown not my own. That I sleep, perhaps for an hour -- that I am woken by the rustling of taffeta -- that I look in horror to see Mrs Sucksby with her hair let down, shrugging off her gown, uncovering flesh and dirty linen, snuffing out her candle, then climbing into the bed beside me.
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The fitful sleeping makes the hours pass slowly: it seems to me the night has many nights in it -- has years of nights! -- through which, as if through drifts of smoke, I am compelled to stumble.
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I remember that she lies, thinking me sleeping -- puts her hands to me, then draws them back -- finally, like a miser with a piece of gold, catches up a lock of my hair and presses it to her mouth.
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I know that I am conscious of the heat of her, the unfamiliar bulk and sour scents of her.
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I know that she falls swiftly into an even sleep, and snores, while I start in and out of slumber.
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I wake now, believing I am in my dressing-room at Briar; now, in my room at Mrs Cream's; now, in a madhouse bed, with a nurse vast and comfortable beside me.
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I wake, a hundred times. I wake to moan and long for slumber -- for always, at the last, comes the remembrance, sharp and fearful, of where I truly lie, how I arrived there, who and what I am.
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At last I wake and do not sleep again. The dark has eased a little. There has been a street-lamp burning, that has lit the threads of the bleached net scarf hung at the window; now it is put out. The light turns filthy pink. The pink gives way, in time, to a sickly yellow.
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I still wear my gloves, but my clothes and shoes and leather bag Mrs Sucksby has locked in a box -- "In case you should wake bewildered, darling, and, thinking you was at home, get dressed, walk off and be lost." -- I remember her saying it, now, as I stood dosed and dazed before her.
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It creeps, and with it creeps sound -- softly at first, then rising in a staggering crescendo: crowing cocks, whistles and bells, dogs, shrieking babies, violent calling, coughing, spitting, the tramp of feet, the endless hollow beating of hooves and the grinding of wheels. Up, up it comes, out of the throat of London.
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Where did she put the key? -- and the key to the door of the room? I shiver again, more violently, and grow sicker than ever; but my thoughts are horribly clear. I must get out. I must get out! I must get out of London -- go anywhere -- back to Briar. I must get money. I must, I think -- this is the clearest thought ot all -- I must get Sue! Mrs Sucksby breathes heavily, evenly.
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It is six or seven o'clock. Mrs Sucksby sleeps on at my side, but I am wide awake now, and wretched, and sick at my stomach. I rise, and -- though it is May, and milder here than at Briar -- I shiver.
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Where might she have put the keys? Her taffeta gown is hanging from the horse-hair screen: I go silently to it and pat the pockets of its skirt. Empty. I stand and study the shelves, the chest of drawers, the mantelpiece -- no keys; but many places, I suppose, where they might be concealed.
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Then she stirs -- does not wake, but moves her head; and I think I know -- think I begin to remember… She has the keys beneath her pillow: I recall the crafty movement of her hand, the muffled ringing of the metal.
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"My dear, I loves you for trying," she says, wiping her mouth. "But the girl ain't been born that's got the touch that will get past me, when I've a mind to something." Her grip is strong about my arm; though turns to a caress. I shudder. "Lord, ain't you cold!" she says then. "Here, sweetheart, let us cover you up." She pulls the knitted quilt from the bed and puts it about me. "Better, dear girl?"
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I take a step. Her lips are parted, her white hair loose upon her cheek. I step again, and the floorboards creak. I stand at her side -- wait a moment, uncertain; then put my fingers beneath the edge of pillow and slowly, slowly, reach.
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She opens her eyes. She takes my wrist, and smiles. She coughs.
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"I wish you were dead, then."
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"Oh, now," she answers, rising. "What kind of talk is that?"
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My hair is tangled, and has fallen before my face. I regard her through it.
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She shakes her head, still smiles. "Wild words, dear girl!" She sniffs. There has come, from the kitchen, a terrible odour. "Smell that? That's Mr Ibbs, a-cooking up our breakfasts. Let's see who wishes she was dead, now, that's got a plate of bloaters before her!"
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"I wish I were dead," I say.
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She rubs her hands again. Her hands are red, but the sagging flesh upon her arms has the hue and polish of ivory. She has slept in her chemise and petticoat; now she hooks on a pair of stays, climbs into her taffeta gown, then comes to dip her comb in water and brush her hair. "Tra la, hee hee," she sings brokenly, as she does it.
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I keep my own tangled hair before my eyes, and watch her. Her naked feet are cracked, and bulge at the toe. Her legs are almost hairless. When she bends to her stockings, she groans. Her thighs are fat and permanently marked by the pinch of her garters.
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"Come down?" I say. I must go down, if I am to escape. But I look at myself. "Like this? Won't you give me back my gown, my shoes?"
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"There now," she says, when she is dressed. A baby has started crying. "That will set my others all off. Come down, dear girl -- will you? -- while I give 'em their pap."
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Perhaps I say it too keenly, however; or else my look has something of cunning, or desperation, in it. She hesitates, then says, "That dusty old frock? Them boots? Why, that's walking-gear. Look here, at this silken wrapper." She takes up the dressing-gown from the hook on the back of the door. "Here's what ladies wear, for their mornings at home. Here's silken slippers, too. Shan't you look well, in these? Slip 'em on, dear girl, and come down for your breakfast. No need to be shy. John Vroom don't rise before twelve, there's only me, and Gentleman -- he's seen you in a state of dishabilly, I suppose! -- and Mr Ibbs. And him, dear girl, you might consider now in the light of -- well, let's say an uncle. Eh?"
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So then I go to the window, to push at the sashes. They will lift, by an inch or two, and the rusting nails that keep them shut I think might give, if I pushed harder.
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I turn away. The room is hateful to me; but I will not go with her, undressed, down to that dark kitchen. She pleads and coaxes a little longer; then gives me up, and goes.
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But then, the window frame is narrow, the drop is great; and I am still undressed. Worse than that, the street has people in it; and though at first I think to call to them -- to break the glass, to signal and shriek -- after a second I begin to look more closely at them, and I see their faces, their dusty clothes, the packets they carry, the children and dogs that run and tumble at their sides. There is life, said Richard, twelve hours ago. It is hard, it is wretched. It would have been yours, but for Mrs Sucksby's kindness in keeping you from it…
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The key turns in the lock. I step at once to the box that holds my clothes, to try the lid. It is shut up tight, and is stout.
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I start back from the glass, and cover my face up with my hands.
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When Mrs Sucksby comes again, however, I am ready.
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"Listen to me," I say, going to her. "You know that Richard took me away from my uncle's house? You know my uncle is rich, and will seek me out?"
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At the door to the house with the shutters with the heart-shaped holes, a girl in a dirty bandage sits and feeds her baby. She lifts her head, catches my gaze; and shakes her fist at me.
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"Mr Lilly," I say, as I do it. "You know who I mean. He still thinks me his niece, at least. Don't you suppose he will send a man, and find me? Do you think he will thank you, for keeping me like this?"
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"Your uncle?" she says. She has brought me a tray, but stands in the door" place until I move back.
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"I should say he will -- if he cares so much about it. Ain't we made you cosy, dear?"
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"You know you have not. You know you are keeping me here against my will. For God's sake, give me my gown, won't you?"
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"All right, Mrs Sucksby?" -- It is Mr Ibbs. My voice has risen, and has brought him out of the kitchen to the foot of the stairs. Richard, too, has stirred in his bed: I hear him cross his floor, draw open his door, and listen.
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"All right!" calls Mrs Sucksby lightly. There, now," she says to me. "And here's your breakfast, look, growing chilly."
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She waits and, when I do not answer, leaves me. Richard closes his door and goes back to his bed. I hear him humming.
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"There, now," she says again. The tray has a plate and a fork upon it, and a linen napkin. Upon the plate there are two or three amber-coloured fish in a juice of butter and water. They have fins, and faces. About the napkin there is a ring of polished silver, a little like the one that was kept for my especial use at Briar; but without the initial.
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She sets the tray upon the bed. The door is open; but I know that Mr Ibbs still stands at the foot of the stairs, that Richard waits and listens at the top.
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"Please let me go," I say.
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Mrs Sucksby shakes her head."Dear girl," she says, "go where?"
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I think of taking up the plate, hurling it against the ceiling, the window, the wall. Then I think: You must be strong. You must be strong and ready to run. And so I sit and eat -- slowly, wretchedly, carefully picking out the bones from the amber flesh. My gloves grow damp and stained; and I have none with which to replace them.
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After an hour, Mrs Sucksby comes back, to take the empty plate. Another hour, and she brings me coffee. While she is gone I stand, again, at the window, or press my ear to the door. I pace, and sit, and pace again. I pass from fury to maudlin grief, to stupor.
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When I wake next, it is again unnaturally early. There has appeared in the room a little basket chair, painted gold, with a scarlet cushion on it. I take it to the window and sit with the dressing-gown about me, until Mrs Sucksby yawns and opens her eyes.
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But then Richard comes. "Well, Maud -- " is all he says. I see him, and am filled with a blistering rage. I make a run at him, meaning to strike his face: he wards off the blows and knocks me down, and I lie upon the floor and kick, and kick --
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Then they dose me again with medicine and brandy; and a day or two passes in darkness.
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"Dear girl, all right?" she says, as she will say every day, every day; and the idiocy or perversity of the question -- when all is so far from being right, as to be so wrong I would almost rather die than endure it -- prompts me to grind my teeth or pull at my hair, and gaze at her in loathing. "Good girl," she says then, and, "Like your chair, do you, dear? I supposed you would." She yawns again, and looks about her. "Got the pot?" she says.
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I am used in my modesty to taking the chamber-pot behind the horse-hair screen. "Pass it over, will you, sweetheart? I'm ready to bust."
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I do not move. After a second she rises and fetches it herself. It is a thing of white china, dark inside with what, when I saw it first, in the half-light of morning, I queasily took to be clumps of hair; but which proved to be decoration merely -- a great eye with lashes, and about it, in a plain black fount, a motto:
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AND I'LL NOT TELL OF WHAT I'VE SEEN!
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USE ME WELL AND KEEP ME CLEAN
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The eye gives me, always, a moment or two of uneasiness; but Mrs Sucksby sets the pot down and carelessly lifts her skirt, and stoops. When I shudder, she makes a face.
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"Not nice, is it, dear? Never mind. We shall have you a closet, in our grand house."
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She straightens, pushes her petticoat between her legs. Then she rubs her hands.
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"What do you say to this? How about we dress you up today, make you look handsome? There's your own gown in the box. But, it's a dull old thing, ain't it? And queer and old-fashioned? How about we try you in something nicer. I got dresses saved for you -- got 'em wrapped in silver-paper -- that fine, you won't believe it. What say we bring Dainty in and get 'em fitted up? Dainty's clever with a needle, though she seems so rough -- don't she? That's just her way. She was what you would say, not brought up, but dragged up. But she is kind at her heart."
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A PRESENT FROM WALES
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"Now, then," she says. She is looking me over, and her eyes are gleaming.
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She has my attention, now. Dresses, I think. Once I am dressed, I might escape.
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Then she goes off -- locks the door, of course, behind her -- comes back with Dainty.
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She sees the change in me, and is pleased. She brings me another breakfast of fish, and again I eat it. She brings me coffee, sweet as syrup: it makes my heart beat hard.
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They are carrying paper boxes. They set them down upon the bed, untie their strings and draw out gowns. Dainty sees them, and screams. The gowns are all of silk: one of violet, with yellow ribbon trimming it, another of green with a silver stripe, and a third of crimson. Dainty takes up an edge of cloth and strokes it.
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"Pongee?" she says, as if in wonder.
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Then she brings me a can of hot water. She wets a towel and tries to wash me. I will not let her, but take the towel from her, press it against my face, under my arms, between my legs. -- The first time, in all my life, that I washed myself.
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"Pongee, with a foulard rouche," says Mrs Sucksby -- the words coming awkwardly, fleshily out of her mouth, like cherry stones. She lifts the crimson skirt, her chin and cheeks as red in the reflected light of the silk as if stained with cochineal.
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I have not known such colours, such fabrics, such gowns, exist. I imagine myself in them, upon the streets of London. My heart has sunk. I say, "They are hideous, hideous."
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She catches my eye. "What do you say, my dear, to these?"
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She blinks, then recovers. "You say that now. But you been kept too long in that dreary great house of your uncle's. Is it to be wondered at if you've no more idea of fashion, than a bat? When you makes your debut, dear girl, upon the town, you shall have a set of dresses so gay, you shall look back on these and laugh your head off to think you ever supposed 'em bright," She rubs her hands. "Now, which best takes your fancy? The arsenic green and the silver?"
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Dainty looks at me in disgust.
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"Haven't you a grey," I say, "or a brown, or a black?"
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"Make it the violet, then," I say at last. I think the stripe will blind me, the crimson make me sick; though I am sick, anyway.
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Mrs Sucksby goes to the chest of drawers and opens it up. She brings out stockings, and stays, and coloured petticoats.
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"Grey, brown or black?" says Mrs Sucksby. "When there's silver here, and violet?"
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The petticoats astonish me: for I have always supposed that linen must be white -- just as, when I was a child, I thought that all black books must turn out Bibles.
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But I must be coloured now, or go naked. They dress me, like two girls dressing a doll.
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Now, as I look on, and while Dainty stitches, she goes with it to the light of the window, makes herself comfortable in the creaking basket chair, and begins to sort through the items inside. I watch as she fingers slippers, playing-cards, combs. It's my jewels she wants, however. She finds in time the little linen packet, unwraps it and tips the contents into her lap.
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"Now, where must we nip it?" says Mrs Sucksby, studying the gown. "Hold still, my dear, while Dainty takes her measure. Lord, look at your waist. -- Hold steady! A person don't want to wriggle while Dainty's by with a pin in her hand, I can tell you. -- That's better. Too loose, is it? Well, we can't be particular about the size -- ha, ha! -- the way we get 'em."
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They take away my gloves; but bring me new ones. On my feet they put white silk slippers. "May I not wear shoes?" I say, and Mrs Sucksby answers: "Shoes? Dear girl, shoes are for walking in. Where" ve you got to walk to…?" She says it distractedly. She has opened up the great wooden box and brought out my leather bag.
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It is the brooch of brilliants I once imagined Sue breathing upon, and polishing, and gazing at with a squinting eye. Now Mrs Sucksby holds it up and studies it with her own eye narrowed. It sparkles. It sparkles, even here.
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"Now, what's here? A ring. A bangle. A lady's picture." She gazes at this in an assessing way; then all at once her expression changes. I know whose features she is seeing there, upon the face where once I looked for mine. She puts it quickly aside. "A bracelet of emeralds," she says next, "in fashion at the time of King George; but with handsome stones. We shall find you a nice price for those. A pearl on a chain. A ruby necklace -- that's too heavy, that is, for a girl with your looks. I got you a nice set of beads -- glass beads, but with such a shine, you'd swear they was sapphires! -- suit you much better. And -- Oh! What's this? Ain't that a beauty? Look Dainty, look at the stunning great stones in that!"
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"I know the place for this," she says. "Dear girl, you won't mind --?" She opens its clasp and pins it to the bosom of her gown. Dainty lets fall her needle and thread, to watch her.
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Dainty looks. "What a spanker!" she says.
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My heart beats hard again. "The Queen of Diamonds," I say.
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"Oh, Mrs S!" she says."You looks like a regular queen."
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She eyes me uncertainly -- not knowing if I mean to compliment or mock. I do not know, myself.
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There is a square of glass upon the chimney-piece, with plaster hearts about it: I turn, and see what I can of my face and figure, in that.
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I barely recognise myself. My mouth is white. My eyes are swollen and red, my cheeks the texture and colour of yellowing flannel. My unwashed hair is dark with grease at the scalp. The neck of the gown is low, and shows the lines and points of the bones about my throat.
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For a time, then, we say nothing. Dainty finishes her work, then combs my hair and twists and pins it into a knot. Then they make me stand, so they might survey me. They look expectant, tilt their heads; but their faces fall. Dainty rubs her nose. Mrs Sucksby drums her fingers across her lips, and frowns.
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"Perhaps violet, after all," says Mrs Sucksby, "ain't the colour for you, dear girl. Brings out the shadows under your eyes and makes 'em seem rather too like bruises. And as for your cheek -- what say you give it a bit of a pinch, put the roses back in it? No? Let Dainty try for you then. She's got a grip like thunder, she has."
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Dainty comes and seizes my cheek, and I cry out and twist from her grasp.
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She has unlocked the door. Dainty passes before me and, after a second, I follow.
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"All right, you cat!" she says, tossing her head and stamping. "I'm sure, you can keep your yellow face!"
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But I cannot bear to be handled again, and will not let her unfasten the violet dress.
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"Hi! Hi!" says Mrs Sucksby. "Miss Lilly is a lady! I want her spoke to like one. You put that lip in." Dainty has begun to pout. "That's better. Miss Lilly, how about we take the gown off and try the green and silver? Only a touch of arsenic in that green -- won't harm you at all, so long as you keep from sweating too hard in the bodice."
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"You like it, dear girl?" she says then, her face and voice grown softer. "There! I knew the silks would bring you round at last. Now, what say we go down and stun the gents? Miss Lilly? -- Dainty, you go on first. Them stairs are tricky, I should hate for Miss Lilly to take a tumble."
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I still wish I had shoes, a hat, a cloak; but I will run, bare-headed, in silken slippers, if I must. I will run, all the way to Briar. Which was the door, at the foot of the stairs, that I ought to take? I am not sure. I cannot see. Dainty walks ahead of me, and Mrs Sucksby follows anxiously behind. "Find your step, dear girl?" she says. I do not answer. For there has come, from some room close by, an extraordinary sound -- a sound, like the cry of a pea-hen, rising, then trembling, then fading to silence. I start, and turn. Mrs Sucksby has also turned.
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"Go on, you old bird!" she cries, shaking her fist. And then, to me, more sweetly: "Not frightened, dear? Why, that's only Mr Ibbs's aged sister, that is kept to her bed, poor thing, and prone to the horrors."
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The kitchen is warmer than I recall, and darker. Richard and the boy, John Vroom, are sitting at the table playing at dice. They both look up when I appear, and both laugh.
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"I'll bruise your eyes, get my hands on you," says Mrs Sucksby. "Miss Lilly is only tired. Get out of that chair, you little waster, and let her sit down."
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She smiles. The cry comes again, I hear it and hasten down the shadowy stairs -- my limbs aching and cracking as I do it, and my breath coming quick. Dainty waits at the bottom. The hall is small, she seems to fill it. "In here," she says. She has opened the door to the kitchen. There is a street-door behind her, I think, with bolts across it. I slow my step. But then Mrs Sucksby comes and touches my shoulder. "That's right, dear girl. This way." I step again, and almost stumble.
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John says, "Look at the face on that! Who bruised the eyes, then? Dainty, say it was you and I'll kiss you."
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"I don't care," I say, "to be thought a friend of yours. I don't care to be thought a friend to any of you. I come among you because I must; because Mrs Sucksby wills it, and I haven't life left in me to thwart her. For the rest, remember this: I loathe you all."
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She says this, locking the door at her back, pocketing the key, then crossing the kitchen and trying the other two doors, making sure they are fast. -- "Keep the draughts out," she says, when she sees me watching her.
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John throws the dice again, and reckons up his score, before he rises. Richard pats the empty seat. "Come, Maud," he says. "Come, sit beside me. And if you will only promise not to fly at my eyes -- as you did, you know, on Wednesday -- then I shall swear, on Johnny's life! not to knock you down again."
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John scowls. "Don't you make so free with my life," he says; "else, I might make free with yours -- you hear me?"
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He puts his hand to me, and I dodge it, drawing my skirts away. The fastening of the doors, the closeness of the kitchen, has filled me with a kind of bleak bravado.
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Richard does not answer. He holds my gaze, and smiles. "Come, let us be friends again, hmm?"
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She nods. "And all my infants sleeping?"
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"Gentleman give 'em a dose, half an hour ago."
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"There's nothing," I say slowly, "that could be served to me here, that wouldn't be to me as ashes."
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"And why not?" she says at last, forcing a laugh. "You make yourself comfy, my dear. I'll take this hard old chair here, do me good." She sits and wipes her mouth. "Mr Ibbs not about?"
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And I sit, not in the empty place beside him, but in the great rocking-chair, at the head of the table. I sit in it and it creaks. John and Dainty gaze quickly at Mrs Sucksby, who blinks at me, two or three times.
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"Good boy, good boy. Keep it nice and quiet." She gazes at me. "All right, Miss Lilly? Like a spot of tea, perhaps?" I do not answer, but rock in my chair, very slowly. "Or, coffee?" She wets her lips. "Make it coffee, then. Dainty, hot up some water. -- Like a cake, dear girl, to chase it down with? Shall John slip out and fetch one? Don't care for cakes?"
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She shakes her head. "Why, what a mouth you've got, for poetry! As for the cake, now --?" I look away.
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"Gone off on a job," says John. "Took Charley Wag."
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If I had a dart, I think, I might threaten them with it, make Mrs Sucksby give up her keys. If I had a broken bottle. If I had a knife.
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Richard rolls a cigarette. Tobacco smoke, and smoke from the lamps and spitting candles, already drifts from wall to wall. The walls are brown, and faintly gleam, as if painted with gravy; they are pinned, here and there, with coloured pictures -- of cherubs, of roses, of girls on swings -- and with curling paper clippings, engravings of sportsmen, horses, dogs and thieves. Beside Mr Ibbs's brazier three portraits -- of MR CHUBB, MR YALE and MR BRAMAH -- have been pasted to a board of cork; and are much marked by dart-holes.
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Dainty sets about making the coffee. A gaudy clock ticks, and strikes the hour.
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Richard lights his cigarette, narrows his eyes against the smoke and looks me over. "Pretty dress," he says. "Just the colour for you." He reaches for one or the yellow ribbon trimmings, and I hit his hand away. "Tut, tut," he says then. "Temper not much improved, I fear. We were in hopes that you would sweeten up in confinement. As apples do. And veal-calves."
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But the room is so stiflingly hot, and I am so weary and sick, my head falls back and I sleep.
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"Common girl says that, sounds awfully vulgar. Lady says it, sounds almost sweet. Still, dear" -- here she leans across the table, drops her voice -- "I wish you mightn't speak so nasty."
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When I wake, it is five o'clock. The dice are put away. Mr Ibbs is returned. Mrs Sucksby is feeding babies, and Dainty is cooking a supper. Bacon, cabbage, crumbling potatoes and bread: they give me a plate and, miserably picking free the strips of fat from the bacon, the crusts from the bread, as I pick bones from my breakfasts of fish, I eat it. Then they put out glasses. "Care for some tipple, Miss Lilly?" Mrs Sucksby says. "A stout, or a sherry?"
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I hold her gaze. "And you think," I answer levelly, "you wishes are something to me, do you?"
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Dainty washes napkins in a bowl of brown water, then sets them before the fire to steam and stink.
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John and Richard play again at dice, and quarrel over the game.
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I drink my coffee, then, and don't speak again. Mrs Sucksby sits, softly beating her hands upon the table-top, her brows drawn together into a frown.
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He smiles. Mrs Sucksby colours, then laughs. "Hark at that," she says.
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I close my eyes. My stomach aches and aches. If I had a knife, I think again. Or an axe…
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"Go to hell, will you?" I say.
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She flinches, and colours harder; her eyelids flutter and she looks away.
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"A gin?" says Richard, some look of mischief in his eye.
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I sleep poorly, and wake, each morning, sick and clear-headed and afraid; and I sit in the little gold chair, running over the details of my confinement, working out my plan of escape. For I must escape. I will escape. I'll escape, and go to Sue. What are the names of the men who took her? I cannot remember. Where is their house? I do not know. Never mind, never mind, I shall find it out.
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I take a gin. The taste of it is bitter to me, but the sound of the silver spoon, striking the glass as it stirs, brings a vague and nameless comfort.
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I go early to bed -- am undressed, every time, by Mrs Sucksby, who takes my gown and petticoats and locks them up, then locks up me.
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So that day passes. So pass the days that follow.
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First, though, I will go to Briar, beg money from my uncle -- he'll still believe himself my uncle, of course -- and if he'll give me none, I'll beg from the servants! I'll beg from Mrs Stiles! Or, I'll steal! I'll steal a book from the library, the rarest book, and sell it --!
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I have Mr Huss and Mr Hawtrey. Mr Huss -- who liked to see me climb a staircase. Could I go to him, put myself in his power? I think I could, I am desperate enough… Mr Hawtrey, however, was kinder; and invited me to his house, to his shop on Holywell Street. -- I think he'll help me. I am sure he will. And I think Holywell Street cannot be far -- can it? I do not know, and there are no maps here. But I shall find out the way. Mr Hawtrey will help me, then. Mr Hawtrey will help me find Sue…
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Or, no, I won't do that. -- For the thought of returning to Briar makes me shudder, even now; and it occurs to me in time that I have friends in London, after all.
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So my thoughts run, while the dawns of London break grubbily about me; while Mr Ibbs cooks bloaters, while his sister screams, while Gentleman coughs in his bed, while Mrs Sucksby turns in hers, and snores, and sighs. If only they would not keep me so close! One day, I think, each time a door is made fast at my back, one day they'll forget to lock it. Then I'll run. They'll grow tired of always watching. -- But, they do not. I complain of the thick, exhausted air. I complain of the mounting heat. I ask to go, oftener than I need, to the privy: for the privy lies at the other end of that dark and dusty passage at the back of the house, and shows me daylight. I know I could run from there to freedom, if I had the chance; but the chance does not come: Dainty walks there with me every time, and waits until I come out. -- Once I do try to run, and she easily catches me and brings me back; and Mrs Sucksby hits her, for letting me go.
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Now and then, other men will come -- or boys, or else, more rarely, women and girls -- with plunder, to be sold to Mr Ibbs and then sold on. They come, any hour of the day, with astonishing things -- gross things, gaudy things -- poor stuff, it seems to me, all of it: hats, handkerchiefs, cheap jewels, lengths of lace -- once a hank of yellow hair still bound with a ribbon. A tumbling stream of things -- not like the books that came to Briar, that came as if sinking to rest on the bed of a viscid sea, through dim and silent fathoms; nor like the things the books described, the things of convenience and purpose -- the chairs, the pillows, the beds, the curtains, the ropes, the rods… There are no books, here. There is only life in all its awful chaos. And the only purpose the things are made to serve, is the making of money. And the greatest money-making thing of all, is me.
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Richard takes me upstairs, and hits me. "I'm sorry," he says, as he does it. "But you know how hard we have worked for this. All you must do is wait, for the bringing of the lawyer. You are good at waiting, you told me once. Why won't you oblige us?"
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I pass many hours in silence, brooding on this. I sit, in the kitchen, in the shadows at the edge of lamp-light -- Perhaps they'll forget me, I think. Sometimes it almost seems that they do: the stir of the house goes on, Dainty and John will kiss and quarrel, the babies will shriek, the men will play at cards and dice.
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The blow makes a bruise. Every day I sea how it has lightened, thinking, Before that bruise quite fades, I will escape!
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"Not chilly, dear girl?" Mrs Sucksby will say. "Not peckish? Why, how warm your brow is! Not taking a fever, I hope? We can't have you sick." I do not answer. I have heard it all before. I let her tuck rugs about me, I let her sit and chafe my fingers and cheek.
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So my thoughts run, while the dawns of London break grubbily about me; while Mr Ibbs cooks bloaters, while his sister screams, while Gentleman coughs in his bed, while Mrs Sucksby turns in hers, and snores, and sighs. If only they would not keep me so close!
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"Are you rather low?" she'll say. "Just look at them lips. They'd look handsome in a smile, they would. Not going to smile? Not even" -- she swallows -- "for me? Only glance, dear girl, at the almanack." She has scored through the days with crosses of black. "There's a month nearly gone by already, and only two more to come. Then we know what follows! That ain't so long, is it?" She says it, almost pleadingly; but I gaze steadily into her face -- as if to say that a day, an hour, a second, is too long, when passed with her.
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John goes, and returns in half an hour with a finch in a wicker basket. They fuss about that, then. They hang it from a beam, they shake it to make it flutter; Charley Wag, the dog, leaps and whines beneath it. It will not sing, however -- the room is too dark -- it will only beat and pluck at its wings and bite the bars of its cage.
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At last they forget it. John takes to feeding it the blue heads of matches -- he says he plans, in time, to make it swallow a long wick, and then to ignite it. Of Sue, no-one speaks at all.
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"Oh, now!" Her fingers clench about my hand; then slacken, then pat. "Still seems rather queer to you, does it, sweetheart?" she says. "Never mind. What can we get you, that will lift you spirits? Hey? A posy of flowers? A bow, for your pretty hair? A trinket box? A singing bird, in a cage?" Perhaps I make some movement. "Aha! Where's John? John, here's a shilling -- it's a bad one, so hand it over fast -- nip out and get Miss Lilly a bird in a cage. -- Yellow bird, my dear, or blue? -- No matter, John, so long as it's pretty…" She winks.
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Once, Dainty looks at me as she puts out our suppers, and scratches her ear. "Funny thing," she says, "how Sue ain't come back from the country, yet. Ain't it?"
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That last little bit of business that Gentleman left her to see to had money in. More money than was meant for her share. She's up and cut, Dainty, with the cash."
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Mrs Sucksby glances at Richard, at Mr Ibbs, and then at me. She wets her mouth. "Look here," she says to Dainty, "I haven't wanted to talk about it, but you might as well know it, now. The truth is, Sue ain't coming back, not ever.
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"Done a flit? Sue Trinder?" He snorts. "She ain't got the nerve."
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"Johnny, you ain't going to guess what! Sue's took all of Mrs Sucksby's money, and that's why she ain't come back. Done a flit. Just about broke Mrs Sucksby's heart. If we see her, we got to kill her."
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Dainty's mouth falls open. "No! Sue Trinder? What was like your own daughter? -- Johnny!"
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"She done it," says Mrs Sucksby, with another glance at me, "and I don't want to hear her name said in this house. That's all."
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John chooses that moment to come down, for his supper.
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"Well, she done it."
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"What did I just say?" says Mrs Sucksby hoarsely. "I won't have her name said." She lifts her arm, and John falls silent. But he shakes his head and gives a whistle. Then after a moment, he laughs.
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"Sue Trinder, turned out a sharper!" says John.
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Mrs Sucksby sees him scowling at me; and leans and hits him.
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But it seems to me, too, that they forget her quickly enough. It seems to me that even John and Dainty forget her.
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It is a short-memoried house, after all. It is a short-memoried district.
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"More meat for us, though, ain't it?" he says, as he fills his plate. " -- Or would be, if it wasn't for the lady there."
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After that, if the men and women who come to the house ask after Sue, they are taken aside and told, like John and Dainty, that she has turned out wicked, double-crossed Mrs Sucksby and broken her heart. They all say the same: "Sue Trinder? Who'd have thought her so fly? That's the mother, that is, coming out in the child…" They shake their heads, look sorry.
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"That's bad blood for you," says Richard. He also looks at me. "Shows up in queer ways."
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She imagines I brood upon my past. But I am still brooding on my future.
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The woman with the bandaged face, who nurses her baby on the step of the house with the shutters with the heart-shaped holes, disappears; her place is taken by another -- who, in her turn, moves on, to be replaced by another, who drinks. What's Sue, to them? What's Sue, to me? I'm afraid, here, to remember the pressing of her mouth, the sliding of her hand. But I'm afraid, too, of forgetting. I wish I could dream of her. I never do. Sometimes I take out the picture of the woman I supposed my mother, and look for her features there -- her eyes, her pointed chin. Mrs Sucksby sees me do it. She watches, fretfully. Finally she takes the picture away.
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Many times I wake in the night to the sound of footsteps, the creak of wheels -- a man is running, a family taking flight, quietly, in darkness.
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"Don't you be thinking," she says, "on things that are done and can't be changed. All right, dear girl? You think of the time to come."
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I am still watching keys as they are turned -- soon one will be left in a lock, I know it. I am watching Dainty and John, Mr Ibbs -- they are growing too used to me. They'll turn careless, they'll forget. Soon, I think. Soon, Maud. So I think; until this happens.
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One day, however, he goes, but returns in an hour. The house is quiet, for once: Mr Ibbs and John are out, and Dainty is sleeping in a chair. Mrs Sucksby lets him into the kitchen, and he throws off his hat and kisses her cheek. His face is flushed and his eyes are gleaming.
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Richard takes to leaving the house each day, not saying where he is going. He has no money, and will have none until the bringing of the lawyer: I think he goes only to walk the dusty streets, or to sit in the parks; I think the heat and the closeness of the Borough kitchen stifles him as much as it stifles me.
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"Better than that," he says. He reaches for me. "Maud? What do you think? Come, out of the shadows. Don't look so fierce! Save that, till you've heard my news. It concerns you, rather."
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"Dear boy, I can't imagine! Have all your horses come up at once?"
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He has seized my chair and begun to haul me closer to the table. I shake him off.
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"Concerns me, how?" I say, moodily. I have been sitting, thinking over the shape of my life.
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"Well, what do you think?" he says.
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"Not her," he says again, more quietly. "I mean, another friend of yours. You won't guess?"
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"A letter," he says, "from -- well, guess who? Will you guess, Maud?" I say nothing. He pulls a face. "Won't you play? Shall I give you a clue? It is someone you know. A friend, very dear."
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I turn my face. "Why should I? You mean to tell me, don't you?"
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I rise, pull down his arm, see a line oft ink; then push him away.
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"Not her. You think they give them paper, where she is?" He glances at Dainty; who opens and closes her eyes, and then sleeps on.
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My heart gives a lurch. "Sue!" I say at once. But he jerks his head, and snorts.
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"A bond, dear boy?" says Mrs Sucksby, stepping to his side.
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He waits another moment; then: "Mr Lilly," he says. "Your uncle, that was. -- Aha!" I have started. "You are interested!"
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"Now, now." He holds the letter high. "It has my name upon it, not yours."
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"Let me see," I say. Perhaps my uncle is searching for me, after all.
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"Let me see!"
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"You'll see. Look here." He puts his hand to his waistcoat pocket and draws something out. A paper. He waves it.
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"I never said it was," says Richard. The letter's from him, but sent by another: his steward, Mr Way."
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"That's not my uncle's hand," I say -- so disappointed, I could strike him.
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"More curious still, hmm? Well, you shall understand that, when you read it. Here." He unfolds the paper and hands it to me. "Read this side, first. It's a postscript; and explains, at least -- what I've always thought so queer -- why we've heard nothing from Briar, till now…"
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"Mr Way?"
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The hand is cramped. The ink is smeared. I tilt the paper to catch what light I can; then read.
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-- I found today among my master's private papers, this letter, & do suppose he meant it to be sent; only, he fell into a grave indisposition shortly after having wrote it, sir, which indisposition he continues in to this day.
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Dear Sir.
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-- Mrs Stiles & me did think at first, that this was through his niece having run off in such a scandalous manner; though we beg leave to notice, sir, that his words herein suggest him not to have been overly astonished by that deed; as, begging leave again sir, no more were we.
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-- Mr Martin Way, Steward of Briar.
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I look up, but say nothing.
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-- We send this respectfully, sir, and presume to hope it finds you cheerful.
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Richard sees my expression and smiles. "Read the rest," he says. I turn the paper over. The letter is short, and dated 3rd of May -- seven weeks ago, now. It says this.
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To Mr Richard Rivers, from Christopher Lilly, Esq.
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Mrs Sucksby instantly takes it up, to read herself. As she labours over the words, she grows flushed. When she has finished, she gives a cry: "That blackguard! Oh!"
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-- Sir. I suppose you have taken my niece, Maud Lilly. I wish you joy of her! Her mother was a strumpet, and she has all her mother's instincts, if not her face. The check to the progress of my work will be severe; but I take comfort in my loss, from this: that I fancy you, sir, a man who knows the proper treating of a whore. -- C. L.
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I read it, two or three times; then read it again; then let it fall.
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"A wicked man, that's all. A wicked man, who is ill, as he ought to be. No-one you know. Go back to sleep." She reaches for me. "Oh, my dear --"
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Her cry wakes Dainty. "Who, Mrs Sucksby? Who?" she says.
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The letter has upset me, more than I should have believed. I don't know if it is the words that have wounded me most; or the final proof they seem to give, to Mrs Sucksby's story.
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Mrs Sucksby comes to me. She makes to reach, not for the door, but for my face. I push her off -- go quickly, to the second door, and then the third. -- "Let me out! Let me out!" She follows.
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But I cannot bear to be watched by her, and by Richard, with my feelings in such a stir. I walk as far from them as I may -- some two or three steps -- to the brown kitchen wall; then I walk from there to another wall, and from there to a door; and I seize and vainly turn the handle.
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"Leave me alone," I say.
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"Let me out," I say.
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"Dear girl," she says, "don't let yourself be upset by that old villain. Why, he ain't worth your tears!"
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"Let you out, to where? Ain't everything here, that you need now? Ain't everything here, or coming? Think of them jewels, them gowns --"
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"Will you let me out?"
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She has come close again. Again, I push her away. I step back to the gravycoloured wall, and put my hand to it -- a fist -- and beat and beat it. Then I look up. Before my eyes is the almanack, its pages swarming with crosses of black. I catch hold of it, and pluck it from its pin. "Dear girl -- " Mrs Sucksby says again. I turn and throw it at her.
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But I pass my days in a sort of restless lethargy; and at night -- for it is too hot to sleep -- at night I stand at the narrow window in Mrs Sucksby's room, gazing blankly at the street.
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But afterwards, I fall weeping; and when the fit of tears has passed, I think I am changed. My spirit has gone. The letter has taken it from me.
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The almanack goes back upon the wall, and I let it stay there. It grows steadily blacker, as we all inch nearer to our fates. The season advances. June grows warm, then even warmer. The house begins to be filled with flies. They drive Richard to a fury: he pursues them with a slipper, red-faced and sweating. -- "You know I am a gentleman's son?" he will say. "Would you think it, to look at me now? Would you?"
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I do not answer. I have begun, like him, to long for the coming of Sue's birthday in August. I will say anything they wish, I think, to any kind of solicitor or lawyer.
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"Come away from there, sweetheart," Mrs Sucksby will murmur if she wakes. They say there is cholera in the Borough. "Who knows but you won't take a fever, from the draught?"
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"You watch her close," Mrs Sucksby tells her, drawing on gloves. "Anything happen to her, I'll kill you." Me, she kisses. "All right, my dear? I shan't be gone an hour. Bring you back a present, shall I?"
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May one take a fever, from a draught of foetid air? I lie down at her side until she sleeps; then go back to the window, press my face to the gap between the sashes, breathe deeper.
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I do not answer. Dainty lets her out, then pockets the key. She sits, draws a lamp across the table-top, and takes up work. Not washing napkins -- for there are fewer babies, now: Mrs Sucksby has begun to find homes for them, and the house is daily growing stiller -- but the pulling of silk stitches from stolen handkerchiefs. She does it listlessly, however. "Dull work," she says, seeing me look. "Sue used to do this. Care to try?"
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I almost forget that I mean to escape. Perhaps they sense it. For at last they leave me, one afternoon -- at the start of July, I think -- with only Dainty to guard me.
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I shake my head, let my eyelids fall; and presently, she yawns. I hear that; and am suddenly wide awake. If she will sleep, I think, I might try the doors -- steal the key from her pocket! She yawns again. I begin to sweat. The clock ticks off the minutes -- fifteen, twenty, twenty-five. Half an hour. I am dressed in the violet gown and white silk slippers. I have no hat, no money -- never mind, never mind. Mr Hawtrey will give you that.
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"Mrs Sucksby says I must go with you, every time; else I'll catch it. Here." She sighs, and stretches. The silk of her gown is stained beneath the arms, the stain edged white. She takes out the key, unlocks the door, leads me into the passage. I go slowly, watching the lurching of her back. I remember having run from her before, and how she caught me: I know that, even if I might hit her aside now, she would only rise again at once and chase me. I might knock her head against the bricks… But I imagine doing it, and my wrists grow weak, I don't think I could.
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"I'm afraid -- I'm afraid I must visit the privy."
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She jumps. "What is it?"
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"I'll go with you, though."
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She rolls her eyes. "Never knew a girl for sickness, like you. Is that what they call a lady's constitution?"
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Sleep, Dainty. Dainty, sleep. Sleep, sleep… Sleep, damn you!
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But she only yawns, and nods. The hour is almost up.
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She puts down her work, pulls a face. "Must you? Right now, this minute?"
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"You needn't. You might stay at your sewing, if you like…"
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"Dainty," I say.
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"I think it must be. I'm sorry, Dainty. Will you open the door?"
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"Yes." I place my hand on my stomach. "I think I am sick."
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"Go on," she says, when I hesitate. "Why, what's up?"
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"All right?" calls Dainty. I do not answer. The floor is earth, stamped hard. The walls are powdery white. From a wire hang strips of newsprint.
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"No, I'll wait." She leans against the wall. "Do me good, take the air."
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"Nothing." I catch hold of the privy door and draw it to me, slowly. "You needn't wait," I say.
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The air is warm and foul. In the privy it is warmer, and fouler. But I step inside and close the door and bolt it; then look about me. There is a little window, no bigger than my head, its broken pane stopped up with rag. There are spiders, and flies. The privy seat is cracked and smeared. I stand and think, perhaps for a minute.
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"What is it?"
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I turn to face the door, put my mouth to a gap in the wood.
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"What?" She tries the door. "Come out, miss."
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LADIES' AND GENTLEMEN'S CAST-OFF CLOTHING, IN GOOD OR INFERIOR CONQITION, WANTED FOR -- WELSH MUTTON & NEW-LAID EGGS -- Think, Maud.
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"Dainty," I say quietly.
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"Dainty, I am not well. You must fetch me something."
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"But I'm not to leave you, miss!"
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"Be quick!"
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"The top-most drawer, on the right. Will you hurry? If I might just make myself neat, and then lie down. I always take it so badly --"
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I run out of the passage and into the court -- I remember this, I remember the nettles, the bricks. Which way from here? There are high walls all about me. But I run further, and the walls give way. There's a dusty path -- it was slick with mud, when I came down it before; but I see it, and know it -- I know it! -- it leads to an alley and this, in turn, leads to another path, which crosses a street and leads me -- where? To a road I do not recognise, that runs under the arches of a bridge. I recall the bridge, but remember it nearer, lower. I recall a high, dead wall. There is no wall here.
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"I must keep here, then, until Mrs Sucksby comes! But say that John, or Mr Ibbs, should come first! Or say I swoon? And the door is bolted! What will Mrs Sucksby think of us, then?"
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"Oh, Lord," she mutters. And then: "In the chest of drawers, you say?"
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"Oh," she says, understanding me at last. She drops her voice. "Caught you out, has it?"
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"All right."
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"Will you go for me, Dainty?"
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"I can't. I daren't. Dainty, you must go to the drawer, in the chest in my room upstairs. Will you? There is something there. Will you? Oh, I wish you would hurry! Oh, how it rushes! I am afraid of the men coming back --"
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Her voice is fading. I press my ear to the wood, hear her feet, the opening and swinging back of the kitchen door. -- I slide the bolt and run.
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"All right!"
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So I whip myself along. Only the traffic checks me, the rushing horses and wheels: at every crossing I pause, then cast myself into the mass of cabs and waggons; and I think it is only my haste, my distraction -- that, and perhaps the vividness of my dress -- that makes the drivers pull at their reins and keep from running me down. On, on, I go. I think once a dog barks at me, and snaps at my skirt. I think boys run beside me, for a time -- two boys, or three -- shrieking to see me stagger. "You," I say, holding my hand against my side, "will you tell me, where is Holywell Street? Which way, to Holywell Street?" -- but at the sound of my voice, they fall back.
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No matter. Keep going. Keep the house at your back, and run. Take wider roads now: the lanes and alleys twist, and are dark, you must not get caught in them. Run, run. No matter that the sky seems vast and awful to you. No matter that London is loud. No matter that there are people here -- no matter that they stare -- no matter that their clothes are worn and faded, and your gown bright; that their heads are covered, yours bare. No matter that your slippers are silk, that your feet are cut by every stone and cinder --
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I go more slowly then. I cross a busier road. The buildings are grander here -- and yet, two streets beyond them the houses are shabby. Which way must I go? I will ask again, I will ask in a moment; for now, I will only walk, put streets and streets between myself and Mrs Sucksby, Richard, Mr Ibbs. What matter if I grow lost? I am lost already…
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Then I cross the mouth of a rising passage of yellow brick and see at the end of it, dark and humped above the tips of broken roofs, its gold cross gleaming, the church of St Paul's. I know it, from illustrations; and I think Holywell Street is near it. I turn, pick up my skirts, make for it. The passage smells badly; but the church seems close. So close, it seems! The brick turns green, the smell grows worse. I climb, then suddenly sink, emerge in open air and almost stumble.
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I have expected a street, a square. Instead, I am at the top of a set of crooked stairs, leading down to filthy water. I have reached the shore of the river. St Paul's is close, after all; but the whole of the width of the Thames is flowing between us. I stand and gaze at it, in a sort of horror, a sort of awe.
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All along the shore I have come to, however, are warehouses, with working men about them; and presently, as I become aware of them, they also spot me -- spot my gown, I suppose -- first stare, then signal and call. That jerks me out of my daze. I turn -- go back along the yellow passage, take up the road again.
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I remember walking beside the Thames, at Briar. I remember seeing it seem to fret and worry at its banks: I thought it longed -- as I did -- to quicken, to spread. I did not know it would spread to this. It flows, like poison. Its surface is littered with broken matter -- with hay, with wood, with weed with paper, with tearings of cloth, with cork and tilting bottles. It moves, not as a river moves, but as a sea: it heaves. And where it breaks, against the hulls of boats, and where it is thrown, upon the shore, and about the stairs and the walls and wooden piers that rise from it, it froths like sour milk.
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It is an agony of water and of waste; but there are men upon it, confident as rats -- pulling the oars of rowing-boats, tugging at sails. And here and there, at the river's edge -- bare-legged, bent-backed -- are women, girls and boys, picking their way through the churning litter like gleaners in a field. They don't look up, and do not see me, though I stand for a minute and watch them wade.
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He points me out a flight of steps, and stares as I climb them.
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Everybody stares -- men, women, children -- even here, where the road is busy again, they stare.
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I have seen the bridge that I must cross to reach St Paul's, but it seems to me that I am lower than I ought to be, and I cannot find the road that will lead me up: the streets I am walking now are narrow, unpaved, still reeking of dirty water. There are men upon them, too -- men of the boats and warehouses, who, like the others, try to catch my eye, whistle and sometimes call; though they do not touch me. I put my hand before my face, and go on faster.
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The soles of my slippers I think are beginning to tear. Don't mind it, Maud. If you start to mind it, you will weep.
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At last I find a boy, dressed like a servant. "Which way is the bridge," I say, "to the other shore?"
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I think of tearing off a fold of skirt to cover my naked head.
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I think of begging a coin. If I knew what coin to beg for, how much a hat would cost me, where it might be bought, I would do it. But I know nothing, nothing; and so simply walk on.
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Suppose Richard should come? Again, I cover my face. A moment, and I'll go on. The sun is hot. A moment, to find my breath. I close my eyes. Now, when people stare, I cannot see them.
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I sit. The bridge is higher than I imagined it. I have never been so high! The thought makes me dizzy. I touch my broken shoe. May a woman nurse her foot on a public bridge? I do not know. The traffic passes, swift and unbroken, like roaring water.
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There is a break in the wall at the start of the bridge with, set into it, a shallow stone bench. Hung up beside it is a belt of cork -- meant for throwing, it says upon a sign, to those in difficulties upon the river.
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I open my eyes. A man, rather aged. A stranger to me. I let my hand fall.
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Then the road ahead of me begins to rise, and I see again the gleam of water. The bridge, at last! -- that makes me walk quicker. But walking quicker makes the slippers tear more; and after a moment, I am obliged to stop.
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Then someone comes and stands before me, and speaks. "I'm afraid you're unwell."
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"Will you help me?" I say. He hears my voice and his look changes.
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He touches his hat, makes a sort of bow. He might be a friend of my uncle's. His voice is a gentleman's voice, and his collar is white. He smiles, then studies me closer. His face is kind. "Are you unwell?"
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"Of course," he says. "What is it? Are you hurt?"
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"Not hurt," I say. "But I have been made to suffer, dreadfully. I -- " I cast a look at the coaches and waggons upon the bridge. "I'm afraid," I say, "of certain people. Will you help me? Oh, I wish you would say you will!"
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"Don't be afraid," he says. Perhaps I look bewildered. "I didn't mean to surprise you."
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"Thank God!" I say. "Oh, thank God! But, listen to me." I grip him harder. "I have nothing -- no money to pay you with --"
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"I have said it, already. But, this is extraordinary! And you, a lady -- Will you come with me? You must tell me all your story; I shall hear it all. Don't try to speak, just yet. Can you rise? I'm afraid you're injured about the feet. Dear, dear! Let me look for a cab. That's right."
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He gives me his arm, and I take it and stand. Relief has made me weak.
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"Of course, of course. What else? Come, look, here's what we need." He leans into the road, raises his arm: a cab pulls out of the stream of traffic and halts before us.
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I stop, with my foot upon the step. He puts his hand upon my waist. "Go on," he says, urging me into the coach.
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"Thank God!" I say again, lifting my foot. He comes behind me as I do it.
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"After all," I say quickly, "I think I should walk. Will you tell me the way?"
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"Now, then!" he says, smiling.
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"-- But I have a friend, who I think will help me. If you'll take me to him?"
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The gentleman seizes the door and draws it back. The cab is covered, and dark. "Take care," he says. "Can you manage? Take care. The step is rather high."
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I step back.
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"Money?" He puts his hand over mine. "I should not take it. Don't think of it!"
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"The day is too hot to walk. You are too weary. Go on." His hand is upon me still. He presses harder. I twist away and we almost struggle.
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"That's right," he says. And then: "Why look, how prettily you climb!"
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"I have changed my mind."
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"Let go of me."
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"Do you wish to cause a fuss? Come, now. I know a house --"
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"Come, now."
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"Well, he'll like you better, I think, when you have washed your hands and changed your stockings and taken a tea. Or else -- who knows? -- when you have done those things you may find you like me better. -- Hmm?"
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"A house? Haven't I told you that I want only to see my friend?"
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"There's been a mistake here. This man is insulting me." -- The man lets me go, then.
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His face is still kind, he still smiles; but he takes my wrist and moves his thumb across it, and tries, again, to hand me into the coach. We struggle properly, now. No-one tries to intervene. From the other vehicles in the road I suppose we are quite hidden. The men and women passing upon the bridge look once, then turn their heads.
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I move further about the coach, still calling up. "Will you take me? Will you take me, alone? I shall find someone to pay you, I give you my word, when we arrive."
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There is the driver, however. I call to him. "Can't you see?" I call.
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The man has come close again. "Come on," he says -- not smiling, now. "There's no need for this. What are you playing at? It's clear you're in some sort of fix. Shouldn't you like the stockings, the tea?"
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He hears the name and snorts -- in scorn, or laughter, I cannot tell. But he raises his whip. "That way," he says, gesturing over the bridge; "then westwards, by Fleet Street."
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The driver looks me over blankly as I speak. When he learns I have no money, he turns his head and spits. "No fare, no passage," he says.
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"Let go of me," I say.
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"Thank you." I begin to walk. The man reaches for me.
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I almost shriek it. He falls back. "Go on, then!" he says. "You damn little teaser."
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But I still call up to the driver. "Will you tell me, then," I say, "which way I must walk? I must reach Holywell Street. Will you tell me, which way I must take, for there?"
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"You don't mean it."
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"Let go!"
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I walk, as quickly as I can. I almost run. But then, after a moment, the cab comes beside me and slows to match my pace. The gentleman looks out. His face has changed again.
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"I'm sorry," he says, coaxingly. "Come up. I'm sorry. Will you come? I'll take you to your friend, I swear it. Look here. Look here." He shows me a coin. "I'll give you this. Come up. You mustn't go to Holywell Street, they are bad men there -- not at all like me. Come now, I know you're a lady. Come, I'll be kind…"
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So he calls and murmurs, half the length of the bridge; until finally a line of waggons forms behind the crawling cab, and the driver shouts that he must go on. Then the man draws back, puts up his window with a bang; the cab pulls away. I let out my breath. I have begun to shake. I should like to stop, to rest; I dare not, now. I leave the bridge: here the road meets another, more busy than those on the southern shore; but more anonymous too, I think. I am grateful for that, though the crowds -- the crowds are terrible. Never mind, never mind, push through them. Go on. Westwards, as the driver directed.
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Now the street changes again. It is lined with houses with bulging windows -- shops, I understand them to be, at last: for there are goods on show, marked up with prices on cards. There are breads, there are medicines. There are gloves. There are shoes and hats. -- Oh, for a little money!
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No matter. Go on. Here is a church, parting the road like the column of a bridge parts water. Which side ought I to take? A woman passes, bare-headed like me: I catch her arm, ask her the way. She points it out and then, like everyone else, stands staring as I take it.
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I think of the coin the gentleman offered, from the window of the coach: should I have seized it, and run? Too late to wonder it now.
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But here is Holywell Street at last! -- Only, now I hesitate. How have I imagined it?
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Not like this, perhaps -- not so narrow, so crooked, so dark. The London day is still hot, still bright; in turning into Holywell Street, however, I seem to step into twilight. But the twilight is good, after all: it hides my face, and robs my gown of its colours. I walk further. The way grows narrower. The ground is dusty, broken, unpaved. There are shops, lit up, on either side of me: some with lines of tattered clothes hung before them, some with broken chairs and empty picture-frames and coloured glasses spilling from them, in heaps; the most, however, selling books.
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Then the man lifts his head and finds me watching; and I walk on. More shops, more books, more men; and finally a window, a little brighter than the rest. The display is of prints, hung up on strings.
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Inside, the shop is small and cramped. I have not expected that. The walls are all given over to books and prints, and there are cabinets, besides.
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I hesitate again, when I see that. I have not handled a book since I left Briar; and now, to come so suddenly upon them, in such numbers; to see them laid, face-up, like loaves in trays, or piled, haphazardly, in baskets; to see them torn, and foxed, and bleached -- marked up 2d., 3d., THIS BOX IS. -- quite unnerves me.
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I stop, and watch as a man picks idly through a box of coverless volumes and takes one up. The Mousetrap of Love. -- I know it, I have read that title so many times to my uncle I know it almost by heart!
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The glass has Mr Hawtrey's name upon it, in letters of flaking gold. I see it, and shake so hard I almost stumble.
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Three or four men stand at them, each leafing rapidly and intently through some album or book: they don't look up when the door is opened; but when I take a step and my skirts give a rustle, they all turn their heads, see me, and openly stare. But I am used to stares, by now. At the rear of the shop is a little writing-table, with a youth sitting at it, dressed in a waistcoat and sleeves. He stares, as they do -- then, when he sees me advancing, gets up.
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"What are you looking for?" he says.
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He hears my voice, and blinks; the customers shift a little, and look me over again.
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I swallow. My mouth is dry. I say, quietly, "I'm looking for Mr Hawtrey. I wish to speak with Mr Hawtrey."
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"Mr Hawtrey," he says, his tone a little changed. "Mr Hawtrey doesn't work in the shop. You oughtn't to have come to the shop. Have you got an appointment?"
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He glances at the customers. He says, "What's your business with him?"
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"I'm not sure, after all, if he's in," he says. "Really, you oughtn't to have come to the shop. The shop is for selling books and prints -- do you know what kind? Mr Hawtrey's rooms are upstairs."
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"Mr Hawtrey knows me," I say. "I don't need an appointment."
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"It's private," I say. "Will you take me to him? Will you bring him to me?"
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There must be something to my look, however, or my voice. He grows more guarded, steps back.
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There's a door, at his back. "Will you let me go to him?" I say. He shakes his head. "You may send up a card, something like that."
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"Then I think," I answer, "you must have an office, some room like that; and I will wait there."
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"Then I'll wait, if I must," I say.
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He makes a face. Then he finds me a slip of paper and a pen. "But you shan't," he says, "be able to wait, if it turns out he's not in."
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"I don't have a card," I say, "But give me a paper, and I'll write him out my name. He'll come, when he reads it. Will you give me a paper?"
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I nod.
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He does not move. He says again, "I don't believe he's in the house."
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"If you will?" I say.
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"Put your name on there," he says, pointing.
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"You cannot wait here!"
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I fold it, and hand it to him. He opens the door, whistles into the passage beyond. He listens, then whistles again. There come footsteps. He leans and murmurs, gestures to me.
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I begin to write. Then I remember what Richard told me once -- how the booksellers speak of me, in the shops of London, I am afraid to write, Maud Lilly. I am afraid the youth will see. At last -- remembering something else -- I put this: Galatea.
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He looks again at the customers; picks up a pencil and puts it down.
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"We're seeing," he says, "if he's in."
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I wait.
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"Don't mind him," he says softly, meaning the youth. "He supposes you gay, that's all. Anyone can see though, that you're a lady…" He looks me over, then nods to the shelves of books. "You like them, hmm?" he says, in a different tone. "Of course you do. Why shouldn't you?"
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I say nothing, do nothing. The youth steps back.
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There are pictures behind his head, pinned to the wall in wax-paper wrappers: a girl on a swing, showing her legs; a girl in a boat, about to slip; a girl falling, falling from the breaking branch of a tree… I close my eyes. He calls to one of the men: "Do you wish to buy that book, sir --?"
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Presently, however, there come more footsteps, and the door is opened again. It is Mr Hawtrey.
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And, as I do, one of the customers closes his album and catches my eye.
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He looks shorter, and slighter, than I remember him. His coat and trousers are creased. He stands in the passage in some agitation, does not come into the shop -- meets my gaze, but does not smile -- looks about me, as if to be sure I am alone; then beckons me to him. The youth steps back to let me pass.
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"Mr Hawtrey -- " I say. He shakes his head, however; waits until the door is closed behind me before he will speak. What he says then -- in a whisper so fierce it is almost a hiss -- is: "Good God! Is it you? Have you really come here, to me?"
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I say nothing, only stand with my eyes on his. He puts his hand, in distraction, to his head. Then he takes my arm. "This way," he says, leading me to a set of stairs. The steps have boxes upon them. "Be careful. Be careful," he says, as we climb them. And then, at the top: "In here."
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There are three rooms, set up for the printing and binding of books. In one, two men work, loading type; another, I think, is Mr Hawtrey's own office. The third is small, and smells strongly of glue. It's in there that he shows me. The tables are piled with papers -- loose papers, ragged at the edges: the leaves of unfinished books. The floor is bare and dusty. One wall -- the wall to the typesetters' room -- has frosted glass panels in it. The men are just visible, bending over their work.
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"My husband?" I swallow. "Do you know, then, of that?"
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He shrugs, colours, looks away.
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I say, "You think me wrong. You do not know what I have been made to suffer! Don't worry" -- for he has lifted his eyes to glance, again, at the panels of glass -- "don't worry, I shan't grow wild. You may think what you like of me, I don't care. But you must help me. Will you?"
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"I'm sorry," I say. My voice is not steady. "I'm afraid I will weep. I have not come to you to weep."
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"From my uncle, yes."
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"Don't ask me."
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"My dear," he says gently at last. "What have you done?"
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But I will not weep. He watches me struggling against my tears for a moment, then shakes his head.
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"You have run away."
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"Good God," he says again. And then: "Forgive me. Forgive me. It's only the surprise of the thing." He says it, more kindly; and I hear him and half turn away.
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"From your husband, I think."
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There is a single chair, but he does not ask me to sit. He closes the door and stands before it. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes his face. His face is yellowish-white.
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"You may weep, if you like!" he says, with a glance at the frosted glass.
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"My dear --"
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I shake my head. "My uncle is nothing to me, now."
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"Be calmer," he says -- lifting his hands as if to soothe me; but not moving from his place at the door. "Be calmer. You know how queer this will look? Do you? What are my staff to think? A girl comes asking for me urgently, sending up a riddling name…" He laughs, not happily. "What would my daughters say, my wife?"
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"You will. You must. I have nothing. I need money, a house to stay in. You used to like to say you would make me welcome --" Despite myself, my voice is rising.
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Again he wipes his face. He lets out his breath. "I wish you would tell me," he says, "why you have come, to me. You mustn't think I will take your part against your uncle. I never liked to see him keep you so meanly, but he mustn't know you've come here. Nor must you think -- is it what you are hoping? -- that I'll help you back into his favours. He has quite cast you off, you know. Besides that, he is ill -- seriously ill -- over this business. Did you know that?"
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"I am sorry."
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"I should hardly have known you," he says, still frowning, "you seem so changed. Where is your coat, and your hat?"
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"But he is something to me, you understand. If he should hear of your coming --"
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"If I might only," I say, "make you know --"
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"Rivers keeps you without shoes?" He does not believe it.
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"I must. I have nothing!"
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"Not shoes?"
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He looks appalled. "Did you come, like this?" He squints at the hem of my skirt; then he sees my feet, and starts. "Why, look at your slippers! Your feet are bleeding! Did you leave, without shoes?"
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"No. Not so much as that."
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"He will not."
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"There was not time --"
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But he is not listening. He is looking about him, as if seeing for the first time the tables, the piles of paper. He takes up a few blank sheets, begins hurriedly to cover up the naked print.
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"Well." He sighs. Then his face grows troubled again. "But to come to me! To come here!" And he looks me over, takes in my gaudy dress and gloves -- which are filthy; my hair -- which I think is tangled; my face -- which must be dusty, lustreless, white.
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"Do you try and hide it," I say, "from me? I have seen worse at Briar. Have you forgotten?"
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"You don't know," I say. "You don't know how he's used me!"
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"You oughtn't to have come here," he says, as he does it. "Look at this! Look at this!"
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I catch sight of a line of print. " -- you shall have enough, I warrant you, and I shall whip, whip --"
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I gaze down at my skirt, my slippers. "There was a man," I say, "upon the bridge, I thought he meant to help me. But he meant only -- " My voice begins to shake.
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"This is not Briar. You don't understand. How could you? You were among gentlemen, there. It is Rivers I blame for this. He ought -- having taken you -- at least to have kept you closer. He saw what you were."
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"I don't want to know! It is not my place to know! Don't tell me. -- Oh, only look at yourself! Do you know how you will have seemed, upon the streets? You can't have come unnoticed, surely?"
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"You see?" he says then. "You see? Suppose a policeman should have seen you, and followed you here? Do you know what would happen to me -- to my staff, to my stock -- if the police were to come down heavily upon us? They might, for such a matter as this. -- Oh, God, only look at your feet! Are they bleeding, truly?"
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The room has no window of its own, and no chimney, and the smell of glue seems stronger. I have come close to one of the tables: I lean upon it, and gaze across it -- at the piles of pages, untrimmed, unsewn, some of them disturbed or concealed by Mr Hawtrey." -- and I shall whip, whip, whip, your backside till the blood runs down your heels -- " The print is new, and black; but the paper is poor, the ink has feathered.
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He helps me into the chair, then gazes about him. "There's a sink," he says, "next door. Wait here, will you?" He goes off, to the room with the typesetters in it. I see them lift their heads, hear his voice. -- I don't know what he must tell them. I don't care. In sitting, I have grown tired; and the soles of my feet, which until now have been almost numb, have begun to smart.
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What is the fount? I know it, but -- it troubles me -- I cannot name it. "-- so, so, so, so, so, you like the birch, do you?"
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Mr Hawtrey returns. He has a cloth, and a bowl, half-filled with water; also a glass, with water for me to drink.
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"Can you do it? Just enough to take the blood away, for now…" The water is cold.
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Mr Hawtrey checks his watch. Then he puts his hand to his mouth and bites at the skin of his thumb, and frowns.
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"No money at all?"
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"You're not ill?" -- "I am only warm," I say. He nods, and comes and takes the bowl.
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"I have none."
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I say, "You are good, to help me. I think other men would blame me."
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Then he gives me the glass, and I drink a little of it. "Very good," he says.
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I look again at the leaves of print upon the table; but the name of the fount escapes me, still.
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"Here you are," he says, putting the bowl before me, wetting the cloth and handing it to me; then glancing nervously away.
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"No, no. Haven't I said? It is Rivers I blame. Never mind. Tell me, now. Be honest with me. What money have you, upon you now?"
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When I have wiped my feet I wet the cloth again and, for a second, sit and hold it to my face. Mr Hawtrey looks round and sees me do it. "You're not feverish?" he says.
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"I have only this gown. But we might sell it, I think? I should sooner take a plainer one, anyway."
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"Again, so odd! What ought I to call you, if not that?"
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To him?" I look at him in amazement. "I cannot go back to him! It has taken me two months to escape him!"
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But how can I be that?
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"Call me Maud. You asked me, just now, what I have that is mine. I have that name; that, and nothing else."
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"A quarrel," I say. "You think it a quarrel. You think I have run on bleeding feet, half-way across London, for that? You know nothing. You cannot guess what danger I am in, what coils --! But, I can't tell you. It's too great a thing."
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He shakes his head. "Mrs Rivers -- " he says. I shudder.
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"Go back? To Briar?"
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"Don't call me that," I say, "I beg you."
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He makes some movement with his hand. "Don't be foolish," he says. "Listen to me, now. I am sorry for you. You have had some quarrel, haven't you --?"
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I laugh -- so sharply, he starts; and the two typesetters look up. He sees them do it, then turns back to me.
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"Will you be reasonable?" he says quietly, warningly.
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"Sell your gown?" His frown grows deeper. "Don't speak so oddly, will you? When you go back --"
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"To Briar? I mean, to your husband."
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"Stay here?" he says. "Stay here, in my shop? Are you mad?"
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"What is this type?" I say. "Will you tell me?"
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"This fount."
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"What is?"
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I say again, more steadily, "I am only tired." But he does not answer. He puts his hand to his mouth and begins to bite, again, at the skin of his thumb; and he watches me, carefully, cautiously, from the side of his eye.
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For a second he does not answer. Then: "Clarendon," he says, quietly.
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He swallows. "This type?" he says, his voice quite changed.
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"A secret thing. A scheme. I cannot say. I cannot -- Oh!" I have lowered my gaze, and it has fallen again upon the pages of print. " -- you like the birch, do you?"
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Clarendon. Clarendon. I knew it, after all. I continue to gaze at the paper -- I think I put my fingers to the print -- until Mr Hawtrey comes and places a blank sheet upon it, as he did with the others.
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"Don't look there," he says. "Don't stare so! What is the matter with you? I think you must be ill."
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"I am not ill," I answer. "I am only tired." I close my eyes. "I wish I might stay here, and sleep."
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At sound of that word I open my eyes, and meet his gaze; he colours, looks quickly away.
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"Will you do that?"
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"You have somewhere to go, to sleep? To eat?"
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"My house? With my wife and daughters? No, no." He has begun to pace.
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"To find. To find. And, having found her, then I may need help again. Only a little help. I have been cheated, Mr Hawtrey. I have been wronged. I think, with a lawyer -- if we might find an honest man -- You know I am rich? -- or, ought to be."
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"Keep you! Do you know what you are saying? Keep you, where?"
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"I wish," he says suddenly then, "I just wish you would tell me what it is you mean to do. How am I even to get you from the shop? I must bring a cab, I suppose, to the back of the building."
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"My house?"
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"To save?"
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"I cannot do that. I have no home! I need only a little money, a little time. There is a person I mean to find, to save --"
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"You must go home, then."
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Again, he watches but does not speak. I say, "You know I am rich. If you'll only help me, now. If you'll only keep me --"
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"Not in your own house?"
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"I have nowhere!"
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"I thought --"
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"Mr Hawtrey -- " I say.
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He has kept still, all this time; but his look has changed, is odd.
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"Haven't I told you? This is not Briar. The world is not like Briar. You must find that out. How old are you? You are a child. You cannot leave a husband, as you may leave an uncle. You cannot live, in London, on nothing. How do you think you will live?"
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"But at Briar you said, many times --"
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He stands still. "For me?"
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"Might I not work here? In the putting together of books? -- the writing, even? I know that work. You know how well I know it! You may pay me a wage. I shall take a room -- I need only one room, one quiet room! -- I shall take it secretly, Richard shall never know, you shall keep my secret for me. I shall work, and earn a little money -- enough to find out my friend, to find out an honest lawyer; and then -- What is it?"
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"I do not know. I supposed -- " I supposed you would give me money, I want to say. I look about me. Then I am struck with an idea. "Might I not," I say, "work for you?"
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"Nothing," he says, moving. "I -- Nothing. Drink your water."
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He waves the paper, to dry it; then folds it. "Tomorrow," he says. "If I can."
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I suppose I am flushed. I have spoken rapidly, and grown warm: I swallow, and feel the chill descent of the water inside my breast, like a sword. He moves to the table and leans upon it, not looking at me, but thinking, thinking. When I set down the glass he turns back. He does not catch my eye.
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"Listen to me," he says. He speaks quietly. "You cannot stay here, you know that. I must send for a cab, to take you. I -- I must send for some woman, also. I will pay for a woman to go with you."
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"To some -- hotel." Now he has turned again, has taken up a pen -- looks in a book, begins to set down a direction upon a slip of paper. "Some house," he says, as he does it, "where you may rest and take a supper."
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"Where I may rest?" I say. "I don't think I shall rest, ever again! But a room! A room! -- And will you come to me there? Tonight?" He does not answer. "Mr Hawtrey?"
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"Go with me, where?"
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"Tomorrow, then."
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"Not tonight," he says, still writing. "Tonight I cannot."
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Then I sit in silence. He waits, takes out his watch, goes now and then to the top of the stairs, to stand and listen. At last he goes and comes quickly back.
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He takes me down. He takes me through a set of rooms, piled high with crates and boxes, and then through a sort of scullery, to a door. The door leads to a little grey area: there are steps from this, to an alley. A cab waits there with, beside it, a woman. She sees us and nods.
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"Thank God!"
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"You are kind, Mr Hawtrey," I say, as I lean to tug on my broken slippers. "God knows, no-one has been so kind to me, since -- " My voice is lost.
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"They are here," he says. "Now, have you everything? Come this way, carefully."
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"You must!"
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"Put your shoes on, now," he says, turning away. "We must be ready."
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I put my hand before my eyes. "Stay here," he says. "Will you? Don't go from here."
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"Hush. Yes, I'll consider it. Yes."
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"And the work -- my working for you. You'll consider that? Say you will!"
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"Yes, yes."
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"There, there," he says, distractedly. "Don't think of it, now…"
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I hear him step, then, to the room next door; and when I look, I see him speaking quietly to one of the typesetters -- see the man draw on his jacket, then go. Mr Hawtrey comes back. He nods to my feet.
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"You will come," I say, "tomorrow?"
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"You know what to do?" Mr Hawtrey says to her. She nods again. He gives her money, wrapped in the paper ton which he has written. "Here is the lady, look. Her name is Mrs Rivers. You are to be kind to her. Have you some shawl?"
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He nods. "Go on," he says quietly. "This woman will care for you now, better than I."
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She has a plaid wool wrap, which she puts about me, to cover up my head. The wool is hot against my cheek. The day is still warm, though it is almost twilight. The sun has gone from the sky. I have been three hours from Lant Street.
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"Of course."
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At the door to the cab, I turn. I take Mr Hawtrey's hand.
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He hands me into the cab -- hesitates, before lifting my fingers to his mouth. The woman comes next. He closes the door at her back, then moves off, out of the path of the turning wheel. I lean to the glass and see him take out his handkerchief, wipe his face and neck; then we turn, pull out of the alley, and he is gone. We drive away from Holywell Street -- northwards, so far as I can tell; for I know -- I am almost certain -- that we do not cross the river.
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"You won't talk of this, to anyone? You'll remember the danger I spoke of?"
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"Thank you, Mr Hawtrey!"
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We go very fitfully, however. The traffic is thick. I keep with my face at the window at first, watching the crowds upon the streets, the shops. Then I think, Suppose I see Richard? -- and I fall back against the leather seat and study the streets from there.
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Do I begin, then, to feel wary? I am not sure. I think, After all, Mr Hawtrey had not the time to be careful, in his finding of a woman. What matter if she's not kind, so long as she's honest? I look more closely at her. Her skirt is a rusty black. Her shoes are the colour and texture of roasted meat. She sits placidly, not speaking, while the cab shudders and jolts.
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Only after some time of this do I look again at the woman. She has her hands in her lap: they are gloveless, and coarse. She catches my eye. "All right, dearie?" she says, not smiling. Her voice is rough as her fingers.
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"Must we go far?" I ask her at last.
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"Not too far, dearie." Her voice is still rough, her face without expression.
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I say, fretfully, "Do you call me that? I wish you wouldn't."
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She shrugs. The gesture is so bold and yet so careless, I think I do then grow uneasy. I put my face again to the window, to try to draw in air. The air will not come. Where is Holywell Street, I think, from here?
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And again, she shrugs. We drive on, more smoothly. We drive for, perhaps, half an hour, up a rising road. The day is darker now. I am tenser. We have left the lights and shops, and are in some street -- some street of plain buildings. We turn a corner, and the buildings grow plainer still.
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"I don't like this," I say, turning back to the woman. "May we not walk?"
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"Will you talk to me, so?" I say again. "I am not a child."
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"Walk, in them slippers?" She snorts. She looks out. "Here's Camden Town," she says. "We've a fair way, yet. Sit back and be good."
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Presently we draw up before a great, grey house. There is a lamp, at the foot of its steps. A girl in a ragged apron is reaching with a taper to light it. The glass of its shade is cracked. The street is perfectly silent.
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"What's this?" I say to the woman, when the coach has stopped and I understand it will not go on.
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"Paid me to bring you here, and then to leave you. Most particular. If you don't like it -- " She reaches into her pocket. "Why, here's his very hand."
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"Like me?"
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"The hotel?"
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"Here's your house," she says.
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She tries to pull her hand away, but I will not let her. Finally, she sucks her teeth.
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"Not until you tell me where I am."
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"House for ladies," she says, "like you."
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"Why, to here!"
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"And what is here?"
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"Wait," I say -- feeling real fear now, at last. "What do you mean? Where has Mr Hawtrey directed you to?"
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"Like you. Poor ladies, widow ladies -- wicked ladies, I shouldn't wonder. -- There!"
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I have thrust her wrist aside. "I don't believe you," I say. "I am meant to come to an hotel. Mr Hawtrey paid you for that --"
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"It's a house, ain't it? What is it to you, what sort? You shall get your supper all the same. -- You might leave off gripping me, mind!"
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She has brought out a piece of paper. It is the paper that Mr Hawtrey put about the coin. It has the name of the house upon it -- A home, he calls it, for destitute gentlewomen.
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"Hotel?" She smiles. "You may call it that." She reaches for the latch on the door. I put my hand on her wrist.
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For a moment I gaze at the words in a sort of disbelief: as if my gazing at them will change them, change their meaning or shape. Then I look at the woman. "This is a mistake," I say. "He didn't mean this. He has misunderstood, or you have. You must take me back --"
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She nods again to the house. I do not answer. I am remembering Mr Hawtrey's look -- his words, the odd tone of his voice. I think, I must go back! I must go back to Holywell Street! -- and yet, even as I think it, I know, with a dreadful chill contraction of my heart, what I will find there if I do: the shop, the men, the youth; and Mr Hawtrey gone, to his own home -- his home, which might be anywhere in the city, anywhere at all… And after that, the street -- the street in darkness. -- How shall I manage it? How shall I live a night, in London, on my own?
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I begin to shake. "What am I to do?" I say.
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"I'm to bring you, and leave you, most particular," she says stubbornly again. "'Poor lady, weak in her head, needs taking to a charity place.' There's charity, ain't it?"
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"Pay you? I have nothing to pay you with!"
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"I cannot," I say again. I grab at her sleeve. "You must take me, somewhere else."
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Again the woman sucks her teeth. "Better that than the road -- ain't it? It's one or the other. I am paid to bring you here and leave you, that's all. Go on out, now, and let me get home."
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"Well, I will," she says; "if you'll pay me."
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"Must I?" She laughs -- does not shake me off, however. Instead, her look changes.
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"I cannot," I say. "I cannot!"
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"Would you?"
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"Oh, God," I say, plucking at it in desperation. "I would give you the gown, if I might!"
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"What, but go over," says the woman, nodding again to the house. The girl with the taper is gone, and the lamp burns feebly. The windows are shuttered, the glass above them black, as if the rooms are filled with darkness. The door is high -- divided in two, like the great front door at Briar. I see it, and am gripped by panic.
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She looks at my skirt.
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She laughs again. "No money?" she says. "And a dress like that?"
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"Take the shawl!"
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"They'll do. Silk, are they? They'll do."
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I shudder. Then slowly, shrinkingly, I draw up my hem, show her my petticoats -- two petticoats there are, one white and one crimson. She sees them, and nods.
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"What, both?" I say. "Will you take both?"
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I hesitate -- but what can I do? I lift my skirt higher, find out the strings at my waist and pull them loose; then, modestly as I can, draw the petticoats down. She does not look away. She takes them from me and tucks them swiftly under her coat.
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"The shawl's my own!" She snorts. She still looks at my skirt. Then she tilts her head. "What you got," she says more quietly, "underneath?"
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"What the gentleman don't know, eh?" she says, with a chuckle; as if we are close conspirators now. She rubs her hands. "Where to, then? Eh? Where must I tell the driver?"
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"There's the driver needs his fare, ain't there?" she answers. "You must pay me, once for myself; and once for him."
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She has opened the window, to call. I sit with my arms about myself, feeling the prickle of the fabric of my gown against my bare thighs. I think I would colour, I think I would weep, if I had life enough.
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I bow my head. With this last, awful bafflement of my hopes, I have only one place to go. I tell her, she calls it, and the coach starts up. She settles herself more comfortably in her seat, rearranges her coat. She looks at me.
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"All right, dearie?" she says. I do not answer, and she laughs. She turns away.
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"Don't mind it now, does she?" she says, as if to herself. "Don't mind it, now."
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"Where to?" she asks again. Beyond her head, the street is filled with shadow. A moon has risen -- a crescent, slender, filthy-brown.
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They are all there, apart from Richard. He is out in search of me. Dainty is weeping: her cheek is bruised, worse than before, her lip split and bleeding. Mr Ibbs paces in his shirt-sleeves, making the floorboards jump and creak. Mrs Sucksby stands, her eyes on nothing, her face white as powder, like John's. She stands still. But when she sees me come she folds and winces -- puts her hand to her heart as if struck.
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Lant Street is dark when we reach it. I know the house to stop at, from the house which faces it -- the one with the ointment-coloured shutters, that I have gazed at so hard from Mrs Sucksby's window. John answers my knock. His face is white. He sees me, and stares. " Fuck," he says. I go past him. The door leads into what I suppose is Mr Ibbs's shop, and a passage from that takes me directly into the kitchen.
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"Oh, my girl," she says.
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I don't know what they do after that. Dainty screams, I think. I go by them, not looking. I go up the stairs to Mrs Sucksby's room -- my room, our room, I suppose I must call it now -- and I sit upon the bed, my face to the window. I sit with my hands in my lap, my head bowed. My fingers are marked with dirt. My feet have begun, again, to bleed.
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She gives me a minute, before she comes. She comes quietly. She closes the door and locks it at her back -- turning the key gently in the lock, as if she thinks me sleeping and fears to wake me. Then she stands at my side. She does not try to touch me. I know, however, that she is trembling.
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"Dear girl," she says. "We supposed you lost. We supposed you drowned, or murdered --"
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I do. She takes the gown from me, and the stays. She does not ask what has become of my petticoats. She does not exclaim over my slippers and feet -- though she shudders, as she draws off my stockings. She puts me, naked, into the bed; draws up the blanket to my jaw; then sits beside me. She strokes my hair -- teases out the pins and tangles with her hands. My head is loose, and jerks as she tugs.
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Her voice catches, but does not break. She waits and, when I do nothing, "Stand up, sweetheart," she says.
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"There, now," she says.
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"Here are your friends!"
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Her voice is Sue's, but her face -- The room is dark, however, she has not brought a candle. She sits with her back to the window. But I feel her gaze, and her breath. I close my eyes.
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"We thought you lost," she murmurs again. "But you came back. Dear girl, I knew you should!"
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I begin to weep -- in frustration, exhaustion. "Why will you say it?" I cry, through my tears. "Why will you? Isn't it enough, to have got me here? Why must you also love me? Why must you smother and torment me, with your grasping after my heart?"
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The house is silent. I think Mr Ibbs and John are talking, but talking in whispers. Her fingers move more slowly. "There, now," she says again; and I shiver, for her voice is Sue's.
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"Here is your home!" she says.
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"I have nowhere else," I answer, slowly and hopelessly. "I have nowhere and no-one. I thought I knew it; I never knew it till now. I have nothing. No home --"
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She draws in her breath; then speaks, in a whisper.
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"No love --"
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"Dear girl, don't you know? Ain't I said, a hundred times --?"
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"No friends --"
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I have raised myself up; but the cry takes the last of my strength and soon, I fall back.
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She does not speak. She watches. She waits, until I have grown still. Then she turns her head and tilts it. I think, from the curve of her cheek, that she is smiling.
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She turns back to me. I hear her swallow. "Did I tell you, dear girl," she says softly, "that I once bore an infant of my own, that died? Round about the time that that lady, Sue's mother, came?" She nods. "So I said. So you'll hear it told, round here, if you ask. Babies do die. Who'd think that queer…?"
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She smiles again. "Funny thing," she says, in a different tone, "about your hair. Your eye I did suppose brown, and your colour white, and your waist and hands I knew would be slender. Only your hair come out rather fairer than I had it pictured…"
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"How quiet the house is," she says, "now so many infants are gone! Ain't it?"
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There is something to her voice. I begin to shake. She feels it, and reaches again to stroke my tangled head. "There, now. Hush, now. You are quite safe, now…" Then the stroking stops. She has caught up a lock of hair.
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The words drop away. In reaching, she has moved her head: the light from the street-lamp, and from the sliver of tarnished moon, falls full upon her, and all at once I see her face -- the brown of her own eye, and her own pale cheek -- and her lip, that is plump and must, I understand suddenly, must once have been plumper… She wets her mouth. "Dear girl," she says. "My own, my own dear girl --" She hesitates another moment; then speaks, at last.
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