"It makes more sense, Park. If you leave soon, you can still get home by dark."
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"You mean you want to talk to them by yourself?"
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"I've been thinking…" she said.
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"Yeah?"
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"It's okay," Park said, glad she was sitting right next to him. "I'm not in any hurry."
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"I don't want you to come inside when we get there."
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He was more nervous about his driving once they got into the city. Driving in St Paul was nothing like driving in Omaha.
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She pressed her hand into the top of his leg.
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"I'm sorry," Eleanor kept saying.
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"No… Well, yeah. But I mean… I don't want you to wait for me."
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He tried to look down at her, but he was afraid he'd miss his turn again.
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Eleanor was reading the map for him, but she'd never read a map outside of class before -- and between the two of them they kept making wrong turns.
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"But…" I'm not ready for you to stop being my problem.
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"Then they can figure out how to get me home -- I'll be their problem. Maybe that'll give me more time to talk to them about everything."
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"What?" he said. "No. What if they don't want you to stay?"
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# Park #
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The houses were starting to look familiar -- big gray and white clapboard houses set far back on their lawns. Eleanor's whole family had come up here for Easter the year after her dad left. Her uncle and his wife were atheists, but it was still a really fun trip.
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# Eleanor #
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"We have to say goodbye anyway," she said. "Does it matter if it's now or a few hours from now or tomorrow morning?"
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"It just makes more sense," she said. And then she bit her lip. The only way she was going to get through any of this was by force of will.
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They didn't have kids of their own -- probably by choice, Eleanor thought. Probably because they knew cute kids grow up into ugly, problematic teenagers.
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"But if I leave soon…" His voice dropped. "I leave soon."
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But Uncle Geoff had invited her here.
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"Are you kidding?" He looked down at her, hoping he'd miss his turn. "Yes."
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He wanted her to come, at least for a few months. Maybe she didn't have to tell him everything right away, maybe he'd just think she was early.
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"Is that it?" Park asked.
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"Seriously, Eleanor."
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"867-5309."
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"Where are you going?"
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# Park #
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"No." Park let go of the gearshift and took her hand. "You're not going back there. If your uncle sends you home, come to my house. My parents will help us figure it out. My dad already said that they would."
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He drove around the block. For all the good it did him. Then he parked a few houses down from her uncle's, so they could see the house from the car. Eleanor couldn't look away from it.
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Park stepped on the gas.
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"Yeah," she said. She recognized the house. She recognized her uncle's Volvo in the driveway.
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"Seriously, Park. I'm never going to forget your phone number."
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"He might send me home."
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"You remember my phone number right?"
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# Eleanor #
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She had to say goodbye to him. Now. And she didn't know how.
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"Call me as soon as you can, okay? Tonight. Collect. And give me your uncle's number. Or, if he doesn't want you to call, send the number to me in a letter -- in one of the many, many letters you're going to write me."
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# Park #
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"Just… around the block," he said.
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He stopped in front of a gray-blue house with a willow tree in the front yard.
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There's no such thing as handsome princes, she told herself.
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She was still.
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You saved my life, she tried to tell him. Not forever, not for good. Probably just temporarily. But you saved my life, and now I'm yours. The me that's me right now is yours. Always.
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# Eleanor #
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Thank God she couldn't make her mouth work right now, because if she could there'd be no end to the melodramatic garbage she'd say to him.
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Stupid, beautiful Asian kid.
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Stupid Asian kid.
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"He's not going to send you home," Park said. "He's going to help…" She nodded deliberately at the floor. "And he's going to let you accept frequent, private, long-distance phone calls…"
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She was pretty sure she'd thank him for saving her life. Not just yesterday, but, like, practically every day since they'd met. Which made her feel like the dumbest, weakest girl. If you can't save your own life, is it even worth saving?
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There's no such thing as happily ever after.
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"Hey," Park said, trying to lift up her chin. "Eleanor."
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Eleanor's head fell forward.
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She looked up at Park. Into his golden green eyes.
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"I'm not afraid to face what I'm feeling," he said.
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# Eleanor #
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She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "That's so lame."
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"I don't know how to say goodbye to you," she said.
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He smoothed her hair off her face. He'd never seen her so fair. "Then don't."
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"Not you," she said, her voice breaking. "Me."
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Only for today, he thought. Not ever.
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"Just kiss me goodbye," she whispered.
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She shook her head again, like she was trying to shake off the tears.
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"You," he said, putting his arms around her and promising himself that it wouldn't be the last time, "are the bravest person I know."
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You think that holding someone hard will bring them closer. You think that you can hold them so hard that you'll still feel them, embossed on you, when you pull away.
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"So go," he said, with his hands on her cheeks. "But don't say goodbye. It's not goodbye."
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"That's what people say -- 'It's not goodbye' -- when they're too afraid to face what they're really feeling. I'm not going to see you tomorrow, Park -- I don't know when I'll see you again. That deserves more than 'It's not goodbye.'"
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"Seriously? You can't cut me five minutes of slack?"
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# Park #
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"But I have to go…"
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She laughed. "Is that why?"
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"No," she said. "Stay." She looked up anxiously at her uncle's house.
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"That would be great."
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"It is, actually."
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Every time Eleanor pulled away from Park, she felt the gasping loss of him.
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She nodded. "Right."
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When she finally got out of the truck, it was because she didn't think she could stand touching and untouching him again. The next time she ripped herself away, she'd lose some skin.
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"It's going to be okay," Park said.
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"Because I love you."
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Park started to get out with her, but she stopped him.
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"Goodbye," she said. "Goodbye, Park."
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"Goodbye, Eleanor. You know, until tonight. When you're going to call me."
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"What if they're not home? God, that would be anti-climactic."
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"Dork," she whispered with a leftover smile on her face. She stepped back and closed the door.
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"I love you," he mouthed. Maybe he was saying it out loud. She couldn't hear him anymore.
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