Chichester, Sussex

Sylvie Cope. Her name is Sylvie Cope, a beautiful name, and if you asked him what she is like he would shake his head and blow air through his mouth and say that she is great, just great, just… amazing! She is beautiful of course, but in a different way from the others -- not lads-mag-bubbly like Suki Meadows, or trendy-beautiful like Naomi or Ingrid or Yolande, but serenely, classically beautiful; in an earlier TV presenter incarnation, he might have called her "classy", or even "dead classy". Long, straight fair hair, parted severely in the middle, small neat features set perfectly in a pale heart-shaped face, she reminds him of a woman in a painting that he can't remember the name of, someone mediaeval with flowers in her hair. That is what Sylvie Cope is like; the kind of woman who would look perfectly at home with her arms draped around a unicorn. Tall and slim, a little austere, frequently quite stern, with a face that doesn't move much except to frown or sometimes to roll her eyes at some stupid thing he's said or done; Sylvie is perfect, and demands perfection.

Then, without quite knowing how it happened, Dexter finds that he has fallen in love, and suddenly life is one long mini-break.

"So what do you do exactly, Dexter?" asks Sylvie's mother, from the far end of the table; Helen Cope, birdlike and aloof in beige cashmere.

Her ears stick out just a tiny, tiny bit so that they glow like coral with the light behind her, and in the same light you can see a fine downy hair on her cheeks and forehead. At other, more superficial times in his life Dexter might have found these qualities, the glowing ears, the hairy forehead, off-putting but as he looks at her now, seated at the table opposite him on an English lawn in high summer, her perfect little chin resting on her long-fingered hand, swallows overhead, candles lighting her face just like in those paintings by the candle-guy, he finds her completely hypnotic. She smiles at him across the table and he decides that tonight is the night that he will tell her that he loves her. He has never really said "I love you" before, not sober and on purpose. He has said "I fucking love you", but that's different, and he feels that now is the time to use the words in their purest form. He is so taken with this plan that he is momentarily unable to concentrate on what is being said.

Unhearing, Dexter continues to gaze at Sylvie, who is raising her eyebrows now in warning. "Dexter?"

"Mummy asked you a question?"

"Hm?"

"Well, I still am a presenter, of sorts," says Dexter and thinks, I'll get you yet, you little bastards. They've had run-ins before, Dexter and The Twins, in London. Through little smirks and twinkles they've revealed that they don't think much of sis's new boyfriend, think she can do better. The Cope family are Winners and will only tolerate Winners. Dexter's just a charm-boy, a has-been, a poser on the way down. There is silence at the table. Was he meant to keep talking? "I'm sorry, what was the question?" asks Dexter, momentarily lost but determined to get back on top of the game.

"Mummy wasn't asking you, Murray," snaps Sylvie.

"I'm sorry, miles away."

"He's a TV presenter," says Sam, one of Sylvie's twin brothers. Nineteen years old with a college rower's back, Sam is a hulking, self-satisfied little Nazi, just like his twin brother Murray.

"Is or was? Do you still do presenting these days?" smirks Murray and they flick their blond fringes at each other. Sporty, clear-skinned, blue-eyed, they look like they were raised in a lab.

"Well, I've been working on a couple of new TV shows, actually. We're waiting to find out what's going to get commissioned."

"I wondered what you were up to these days, work-wise?" she repeats patiently, making clear that this is a job interview for the post of Sylvie's boyfriend.

"What are they about, these TV shows?"

"Um, well mountain-biking, snow-boarding, skate-boarding --"

"Extreme Sports? What are 'Extreme Sports'?"

"Will we have seen you on anything on the BBC?" says Lionel, the father, handsome, plump, self-satisfied and still bizarrely blond in his late fifties.

"Unlikely. It's all rather late-night fare, I'm afraid." "Rather late-night fare, I'm afraid", "I skate-board a little". God, he thinks, what do you sound like? There's something about being with the Cope family that makes him behave as if he's in a costume drama. Perchance, "tis rather late-night fare. Still, if that's what it takes…

"Well one's about London nightlife, a sort of what's-on-in-the-capital thing, and the other's a sports show. Extreme Sports."

"And do you do any 'Extreme Sports' yourself?" smirks Murray.

"I skate-board a little," says Dexter, defensively, and he notices that at the other end of the table, Sam has stuffed his napkin into his mouth.

"God, that thing?" Mrs Cope, Helen, frowns. "I do remember, vaguely."

"Turn it off! you used to shout," says the other one. "Turn it off! You'll damage your brain!"

Now Murray, the other twin -- or is it actually Sam? -- pipes up, his mouth full of salad, "We used to watch that late night show you were on, largin' it. All swearing and dolly-birds dancing in cages. You didn't like us watching it, remember Mum?"

"Funny, that's exactly what my mother used to say too," says Dexter, but no-one picks up on the remark and he reaches for the wine bottle.

"You used to really, really hate it," says Murray or Sam.

"Well, yes, but it wasn't all like that. I tended just to interview the bands and the movie stars." He wonders if he sounds big-headed with this talk of bands and movie stars, but there's no chance of that because the twins are there, ready to shoot him down.

"So that was you, was it?" says Lionel, Sylvie's father, his eyebrows raised, as if the gentleman at his table has revealed himself to be rather the cad.

"Not really. Not anymore." He decides to answer honestly, but without any regret or self-pity. "That has all sort of… drifted away."

"So do you still hang out with a lot of movie stars then?" says one of them, in mock awe, the jumped-up little Aryan freak-boy.

"Dexter's being modest," says Sylvie. "He gets offers all the time. He's just very picky about his on-screen work. What he really wants to do is produce. Dexter has his own media production company!" she says proudly, and her parents nod approvingly. A businessman, an entrepreneur -- that's more like it.

Dexter smiles too, but the fact is life has become a great deal quieter recently. Mayhem TV plc has yet to earn a commission, or a meeting with a commissioner, and at the moment still exists only in the form of expensively headed paper. Aaron, his agent, has dropped him. There are no voiceovers, no promotional work, not quite so many premieres. He is no longer the voice of premium cider, has been quietly expelled from poker school, and even the guy who plays the congas in Jamiroquai doesn't call him anymore. And yet despite all this, the downturn in professional fortunes, he's fine now, because now he has fallen in love with Sylvie, beautiful Sylvie, and now they have their mini-breaks.

Weekends frequently begin and end at Stansted airport, where they fly off to Genoa or Bucharest, Rome or Reykjavik, trips that Sylvie pre-plans with the precision of an invading army. A startlingly attractive, metropolitan European couple, they stay in exclusive little boutique hotels and walk and shop and shop and walk and drink tiny cups of black coffee in street cafés, then lock themselves into their chic minimal taupe-coloured bedroom with the wet-room and the single stick of bamboo in the tall thin vase.

If they're not exploring small independent shops in a major European city, then they're spending time in West London with Sylvie's friends: petite, pretty hard-faced girls and their pink-cheeked, large-bottomed boyfriends who, like Sylvie and her friends, work in marketing, or advertising or the City. In truth, they're not really his sort, these hyper-confident über-boyfriends. They remind him of the prefects and head-boys he knew at school; not unpleasant, just not very cool. Never mind. You can't build your life around what's cool, and there are benefits to this less chaotic, more ordered lifestyle.

But the single most striking thing about Sylvie is that he likes her so much more than she likes him. He likes her straightforwardness, her self-confidence and poise. He likes her ambition, which is ferocious and unapologetic, and her taste, which is expensive and immaculate. Of course he likes the way she looks, and the way they look together, but he also likes her lack of sentimentality; she is as hard, bright and desirable as a diamond and for the first time in his life, he has had to do the chasing. On their first date, a ruinously expensive French restaurant in Chelsea, he had wondered aloud if she was enjoying herself. She was having a wonderful time, she said, but she didn't like to laugh in company because she didn't like what laughter did to her face. And although a part of him felt a little chill at this, a part of him also had to admire her commitment.

Serenity and drunkenness don't really go together and save for the occasional glass of champagne or wine with dinner, Sylvie doesn't drink alcohol. Neither does she smoke or take drugs or eat red meat or bread or refined sugar or potatoes. More significantly, she has no time for Dexter drunk. His abilities as a fabled mixologist mean nothing to her. She finds inebriation embarrassing and unmanly, and more than once he has found himself alone at the end of the evening because of that third martini. Though it has never been stated as such, he has been given a choice: clean up your act, sort out your life, or you will lose me. Consequently there are fewer hangovers these days, fewer nose-bleeds, fewer mornings spent writhing in shame and self-disgust. He no longer goes to bed with a bottle of red wine in case he gets thirsty in the night, and for this he is grateful. He feels like a new man.

"I keep getting your brothers muddled up."

This visit, his first to the parental home, is part of a long weekend, a stopover in Chichester before they continue down the M3 to a rented cottage in Cornwall, where Sylvie is going to teach him how to surf. Of course he shouldn't really be taking all this time off, he should be working, or looking for work. But the prospect of Sylvie, stern and rosy-cheeked in a wetsuit with her hair tied back, is almost more than he can bear. He looks across at her now to check on how he is performing, and she smiles reassuringly in the candlelight. He's doing fine so far, and he pours himself one last glass of wine. Mustn't have too much. Got to keep your wits about you, with these people.

After dessert -- sorbet made from their very own strawberries, which he has praised excessively -- Dexter helps Sylvie take the plates back into the house, a red-brick mansion like a high-end doll's house. They stand in the Victorian country kitchen, loading the dishwasher.

"A good way to remember it is Sam's hateful and Murray's foul."

"They don't like anyone apart from themselves."

"Don't think they like me very much."

She takes his hand across the cutlery basket. "Does it matter what my family think of you?"

"I think they think I'm a bit flash."

"A little, I suppose."

"Depends. Does it matter to you, what your family think of me?"

"Well then it matters to me too," he says, with great sincerity.

She stops loading the dishwasher, and looks at him intently. Like public laughter, Sylvie is not a big fan of ostentatious displays of affection, of cuddles and hugs. Sex with Sylvie is like a particularly demanding game of squash, leaving him aching and with a general sense that he has lost. Physical contact is rare and when it does come, tends to spring from nowhere, violently and swiftly. Now, suddenly, she puts her hand to the back of his head and kisses him hard, at the same time taking his other hand and jamming it between her legs. He looks into her eyes, wide and intent, and sets his own face to express desire, rather than discomfort at the dishwasher door chafing his shins. He can hear the family marching into the house, the twins' boorish voices in the hallway. He tries to pull away, but his lower lip is gripped neatly between Sylvie's teeth, stretching out comically like a Warner Brothers cartoon. He whimpers and she laughs then lets go of his lip so that it snaps back like a rollerblind.

"God, Dexter, you can't just put the saucepans in the dishwasher, you have to rinse them first." She goes through to the living room, leaving him to rinse the pans.

"What if your family hear?"

"Can't wait for bed later," she breathes, as he checks for blood with the back of his hand.

Dexter is not easily intimidated by anyone, but there is something about this family, something self-sufficient and self-satisfied, that makes him feel defensive. It's certainly not a matter of class; his own background is just as privileged, if a lot more liberal and bohemian than the High Tory Copes. What makes him anxious is this obligation to prove himself a winner. The Copes are early risers, mountain-walkers, lake-swimmers; hale, hearty, superior and he resolves not to let them get to him.

As he enters the living room the Axis powers turn to face him, and there's a hasty hush as if they have just been discussing him. He smiles confidently, then flops into one of the low floral sofas. The living room has been done up to feel like a country house hotel, right down to the copies of Country Life, Private Eye and the Economist, fanned out on the coffee table. There's a momentary silence. A clock ticks, and he is contemplating reaching for a copy of The Lady when:

"I don't care. I'm a big girl now." He wonders if he should do it now, tell her that he loves her.

"And the other person has to sort of contort and duck out of the way and then answer Yes! or Here!" Sam starts binding the newspaper into a tight baton. "And judging from where the voice comes from, he has to try and hit them with the rolled-up newspaper."

"I know, let's play 'Are You There, Moriarty?'," says Murray, and there's general approval from the family, even Sylvie.

"… who's also blindfolded." Murray takes over, at the same time digging in the drawers of the antique writing table for a roll of sellotape. "The one with the rolled-up newspaper says, "Are you there, Moriarty?"" He tosses the tape to Sam.

"What's 'Are You There, Moriarty?'" asks Dexter, and the Copes all shake their heads in unison at this interloper's ignorance.

"It's a wonderful, wonderful parlour game!" says Helen, more animated than she has been all evening. "We've been playing it for years!" Sam, meanwhile, is already rolling up a copy of the Daily Telegraph into a long stiff rod. "Basically, one person is blindfolded, and they have this rolled-up newspaper and they sit kneeling opposite this other person…"

"You get three attempts, and if you miss all three you have to stay on and get hit by the next player," says Sylvie, elated at the prospect of a Victorian parlour game, "and if you hit the other person you get to choose your next contestant. That's how we play it anyway."

It is decided that Sam will take on Dexter the intruder and that, surprise surprise, Sam will get the baton. The field of battle is the large faded rug in the middle of the room, and Sylvie leads him into position then stands behind him, tying a large white napkin over his eyes, a princess favouring her loyal knight. He gets one last glimpse of Sam kneeling opposite him, smirking from behind his blindfold as he taps the palm of his hand with the baton, and Dexter is suddenly overwhelmed by the need to win this game and show the family what he's made of. "Show them how it's done," whispers Sylvie, her breath hot in his ear, and he remembers the moment in the kitchen, his hand between her legs. Now she takes his elbow and helps him kneel, and the adversaries face each other in silence like gladiators in the arena of the Persian rug.

"So --" says Murray, tapping the palm of his hand with the paper truncheon. "Who's for some Extreme Sports?"

"Let the games commence!" says Lionel, like an emperor.

"Are you there, Moriarty?" says Sam with a snigger.

"Here," says Dexter, then like a limbo dancer deftly leans backwards.

"Ye…"

Before he can move, the second blow slaps against his buttock, causing him to flinch and stumble to the side, and again there is laughter from the family, and a low hissing "yessssss" from Sam.

The first blow hits him just below the eye, making a satisfying slapping sound that echoes round the room. "Oooh!" and "Ouch!" say the Copes, laughing at his pain. "That's gotta hurt," says Murray maddeningly, and Dexter feels a deep sting of humiliation while he laughs good-naturedly, a hearty, well-done-you laugh. "You got me!" he concedes, rubbing his cheek, but Sam has smelt blood and is already asking -- "Are you there, Moriarty?"

"Nice one, Sammy," says the mother, proud of her boy, and Dexter suddenly has a deep hatred of this stupid fucking game, which seems to be some weird family ritual of humiliation…

"Two out of two," guffaws Murray. "Nice one, bro."… and don't say "bro' either you little tit, thinks Dexter, fuming now because if there's one thing that he hates it's being laughed at, especially by this lot, who clearly think he's a loser, all washed-up and not up to the job of being their precious Sylvie's boyfriend. "I think I've got the hang of it now," he chortles, clinging to a sense of humour while at the same time wanting to pummel Sammy's face with his fists --

-- or a frying pan, a cast iron frying pan --

"So here goes -- three out of three methinks…"

"Let's get ready to rumble…" says Murray, in that voice again.

-- a ball-peen hammer, or a mace --

"Are you there, Moriarty?" says Sam.

The third blow is an insolent poke in the shoulder with the blunt end that sends Dexter sprawling backwards into the coffee table. The prod is so impertinent and precise that he's convinced that Sam must be cheating, and he tears his blindfold off to confront him, finding instead Sylvie leaning over him, laughing, actually laughing regardless of what it does to her face.

"Here!" says Dexter, and like a ninja he twists at his waist, ducking down and to the right.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" crows Sam, teeth bared, his ruddy face screwed up, two fists pulled slowly towards his chest in victory.

"A hit! A palpable hit!" shrieks that little shit Murray, and Dexter clambers to his feet, his face a grimace of delight. There's a little round of patronising applause.

"Better luck next time!" drawls Helen, the wicked Roman empress.

The tournament continues. Murray beats Sam, then Lionel beats Murray, then Lionel gets beaten by Helen, and it's all very convivial and jolly, these neat little bops and taps with the rolled-up newspaper, all much jollier than when it was Dexter out there getting clubbed around the face with what felt like a length of scaffolding. From deep in the sofa he watches and scowls and, as part of his revenge, quietly sets about emptying a bottle of Lionel's very good claret. There was a time when he could do this kind of thing. If he was twenty-three again he would feel confident and charming and self-assured, but he has lost the knack somehow and his mood darkens as the bottle empties.

"You'll get the hang of it," growls Lionel and, enraged, Dexter notices that the twins are holding finger and thumbs to their foreheads in an L shape. L for loser.

"Well I'm still proud of you," pouts Sylvie, ruffling his hair and patting his knee, as he sinks into the sofa next to her. Shouldn't she be on his side? When it comes to loyalty, he thinks, she's still one of them.

"Come on then. Your go!" Sylvie is holding out the baton towards him.

Then Helen beats Murray and Sam beats Helen and now it's Sam's turn to try and strike his sister, and there is at least some pleasure and pride in watching how good Sylvie is at the game, effortlessly avoiding her little brother's desperate swipes, twisting and ducking at the waist, supple and sporty, his golden girl. He watches, smiling, from deep in the sofa and just when he thinks they've all forgotten about him:

"I know, but you haven't had a chance to bat yet, poor thing," she pouts. "Come on. Have a go. Take me on!"

"But you just won!"

The Copes all love the idea of this -- there's a low, pagan rumble of excitement, bizarrely vaguely sexual, and clearly he has no choice. His honour, the honour of the Mayhews is at stake here. Solemnly Dexter puts down his glass, stands and takes the baton.

"Oh, I'm sure," she says, grinning provocatively, shaking out her hands like a gymnast as the blindfold is tied.

"You're sure about this?" he says, kneeling on the carpet an arm's length away. "Because I'm a pretty good tennis player."

"Sweetheart, darling, are you okay?"

"I'm ready when you…"

"Oh yes."

Dexter tears off his blindfold to see that Sylvie has somehow been transported to the far side of the room, slumped over in the fireplace like a marionette with all her strings cut. Her eyes are blinking wide and her hand is cupped to her face, but it's already possible to see the dark rivulet of blood as it trickles down beneath her nose. She is moaning quietly to herself.

Behind him, Sam ties his blindfold tight as a tourniquet. "We'll see, won't we?"

"SYLVIE!"

"Okay, are you ready?" says Dexter.

He grips the baton with both hands, arms level at his shoulder. "Are you sure?"

The arena falls silent.

"Oh my God!"

"And I think I might be quite good at this."

Momentarily an image flickers in his mind -- a baseball player on his mound -- as he slices diagonally with the bat, a tremendous uppercut that swishes audibly through the air and from behind the blindfold the impact feels fantastic as it sends tremors along both arms and into his chest. A moment of awed silence follows and for a moment Dexter is sure that he has done very, very well. And then he hears a crash, and an appalled cry goes up in unison from the whole family.

"Sorry. Sorry, I forgot. I was --"

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK IF SHE WAS THERE MORIARTY!" shrieks her mother.

"Didn't I? Sorry --"

"It really was an accident. I just caught your face at an odd angle."

"No, you just lashed out crazily!"

They all turn and glare.

"-- Drunk!" says Sam. The accusation hangs in the air. "You're drunk, man. You're completely pissed!"

Sylvie tugs on Helen's sleeve. "How does it look?" she asks in a tearful voice as she discreetly removes her cupped hand from her nose. It's as if she's holding a fistful of strawberry sorbet.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry!" he exclaims, horrified. Immediately he crosses towards her, but the family has already closed in.

"Like a madman --"

"Good God, Dexter, what the hell were you thinking?" barks red-faced Lionel, drawing himself up to his full height.

"It's really not too bad," gasps Helen, her hand clasped to her mouth in horror and Sylvie's face crumples further into tears. "Let me see, let me see! The bathroom!" she whimpers, and the family haul her to her feet.

"Dexter, it's fine."

And now it's just Dexter and the Cope menfolk. A primal scene, they glare and glare. Instinctively he feels his hand tighten around his weapon, the tightly rolled-up copy of today's Daily Telegraph, and says the only thing that he can think of to say. "Ouch!"

He listens to the footsteps fade.

"So -- do you think I made a good impression?"

"Do you want me to say I'm sorry again?"

"It really was just some kind of flukey accident…" Holding her mother's arm, Sylvie hurries past him, eyes fixed straight ahead. "Do you want me to come with you? Sylvie? Sylv?" There is no reply and he watches in misery, as her mother escorts her into the hall and up the stairs to the bathroom.

"You forgive me?"

"And you think they think I'm alright, they don't think I'm some sort of violent psychopath or something?"

"I forgive you," she snaps.

Dexter and Sylvie lie in the guest room's large soft double bed. Sylvie turns to look at him, her face unmoving, the small fine nose throbbing accusingly. She sniffs but says nothing.

"And what about you?" he says, still fishing.

A moment passes. Like a shamed schoolboy, he feels as if he won't sleep, unless he gets some further reassurance. "Sorry for… fucking up," he pouts.

"I think they think you're fine. Let's forget it shall we?" She turns onto her side, away from him, and turns out her light.

She sighs and smiles. "I think you're okay too."

"Again!" She turns once more, and lays one hand fondly on his cheek. "Don't be ridiculous. You were doing fine until you hit me. They really, really liked you."

"I can't. I'll start bleeding. I'll make up for it tomorrow." She turns away again. Satisfied now, he sinks lower and puts his hands behind his head. The bed is immense and soft and smells of freshly washed linen, and the windows open out onto a still summer night. Stripped of quilts and blankets, they lie beneath a single white cotton sheet, and he can see the wonderful line of her legs and narrow hips, the curve of her long smooth back. Tonight's sexual potential evaporated with the moment of impact and the possibility of concussion, but still he turns to her and places one hand beneath the sheet and onto her thigh. The skin is cool and smooth.

"Any chance of a kiss then?"

"Long drive tomorrow," she mumbles. "Let's go to sleep."

He feels he ought to say something though. Inspired, he kisses her shoulder, and whispers. "Well you know what they say --" He pauses for effect. "You always hurt the one you love!"

He continues to look at the back of her head, where the long fine hair falls away from the nape of her neck, revealing the darker whorls beneath. You could take a photograph of that, he thinks, it is so beautiful. Call it "Texture". He wonders if he still might tell her that he loves her or, more tentatively, that he "thinks he might be in love with her", which is both more touching and easier to back out of. But clearly this is not the time, not now with the plug of bloody tissue still on her bedside table.

This is pretty clever, pretty adorable he thinks, and there's a silence while he waits, eyebrows raised expectantly, for the implication to sink in.

Defeated, he lies back and listens to the gentle hum of the A259. Somewhere in the house right now her parents are tearing him to pieces and he realises, appallingly, that he has a sudden desire to laugh. He starts to giggle, then laugh outright, struggling to maintain the silence as his body starts to shake, making the mattress shudder.

"Let's get some sleep, shall we?" she says.

"Are you laughing?" murmurs Sylvie into her pillow.

He starts to laugh again.

"No!" says Dexter, screwing his face tight to keep it in, but the laughter's coming in waves now and he feels another surge of hysterics starting to build in his stomach. There is a point in the future where even the worst disaster starts to settle into an anecdote, and he can see the potential for a story here. It's the kind of story that he would like to tell Emma Morley. But he doesn't know where Emma Morley is, or what she's doing, hasn't seen her for more than two years now.

He'll just have to remember the story. Tell her some other day.