Emotional independence doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off from your parents. It means that you can be part of the family while at the same time being a separate individual. It means you can be who you are and let your parents be who they are.

When you feel free to have your own beliefs, feelings, and behaviors, apart from those of your parents (or others), you are "self-defined." If your parents don't like what you do or think, inevitably you will have to tolerate some discomfort. And you'll have to tolerate their discomfort with you when you don't rush in to change yourself for them. Even if some of your beliefs are identical to those of your parents, or your behavior meets with their approval, it is essential that you make your own choices and that you feel free to agree or disagree with them.

This doesn't mean I encourage you to ride roughshod over other people's feelings or to ignore the impact that your behavior may have on them. But neither can you allow them to ride roughshod over you. We all have to find a balance between taking care of ourselves and being concerned about the feelings of others.

No one can be self-defined 100 percent of the time. We are all part of a larger society. No one is totally free from the desire for approval from others. No one is completely free from emotional dependency of some kind, and very few of us would want to be. Human beings are social animals, and open relationships demand a certain amount of emotional interdependence. For this reason, self-definition must be somewhat flexible. There's nothing wrong with making a compromise for your parents, as long as it is something you've chosen to do of your own free will. What I'm talking about here is maintaining your emotional integrity, being true to yourself.

Many people don't stand up for themselves because they confuse self-definition with selfishness. The word selfish pushes all of our guilt buttons. Sandy -- the hairdresser whose unforgiving parents continued to punish her in adulthood for the abortion she had had when she was 15-- put herself through an emotional hell to avoid being labeled selfish. She explained:

It's Okay to Be Selfish Sometimes

I suggested that Sandy use this minicrisis as an opportunity to begin the process of self-definition. It was time for her to take a look at the current uproar and see it not as an isolated incident but as the latest problem in an ongoing pattern in her relationship with her parents. This wasn't about their moving in with her, it was about her automatic reaction of placating and accommodating them. If she wanted to break that pattern, she had to focus first on what she wanted as opposed to what her parents were demanding of her. I asked her if she even knew what she wanted.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. I think I may have just ruined my entire life. My folks are having their house remodeled, and my mother called me last week to tell me that the noise is driving her crazy, so she and Dad want to move in with us until the remodeling is done, which could be weeks. I really didn't want to say "yes," but what could I do? I mean they are my parents. When my husband found out, he just about died. See, he uses the spare room as an office and he's in the middle of a big project right now. So he made me call my mother back and suggest that maybe it would be better for her and Dad to go to a hotel instead. Well, she just about went through the ceiling. I got a half hour on how ungrateful and selfish I am, how this is the least I can do, considering everything they've done for me. I told her I'd have to discuss it with Bill, but I already know what he'll say. What can I do, Susan?

SANDY: I don't know the answer. That's why I'm here. I mean, I know I don't want them living with me right now, but I love them -- I can't just turn my back on them.

SANDY: The first thing that comes to mind is I want my parents to leave me alone. I don't want them to stay with us. It'll be horrible. I mean, I feel guilty just even admitting that, because kids are supposed to be there for their parents. Maybe I'll just tell them they can stay. Then I won't feel so awful about it. It's a lot easier fighting with Bill than it is fighting with them. Why can't I make everybody happy?

SUSAN: You answer that question.

SANDY: I want to be a good person, Susan. I was raised to believe that good people do things for others.

SUSAN: I'm not asking you to turn your back on them. I'm asking you to imagine what it would be like to say "no' to them sometimes, to set limits on how much you're willing to sacrifice for them. Be "self-defined," Sandy. Make decisions based on what you want and what you need rather than on what they want or need.

SANDY: That sounds so selfish.

SUSAN: It's okay to be selfish sometimes.

Sandy started to cry. It was so important for her to prove to her mother that she was neither selfish nor ungrateful that she was willing to throw both her home and her marriage into near-pandemonium.

SUSAN: Sweetie, if you were as good to you as you are to your parents, you probably wouldn't need to be here. You're a very good person -- to everybody but you.

SANDY: Then how come I feel so bad?

Sandy based many of her life decisions on an overdeveloped sense of obligation to her parents. She believed she had a responsibility to bury her needs beneath theirs. She rarely did what she wanted to do, and this had led to years of repressed anger and lack of personal fulfillment that eventually expressed themselves as depression.

Sandy, like most of us, reacted to her parents in an almost automatic, knee-jerk way. When we react, we usually act without thinking, without listening, and without exploring our options. People are usually the most reactive when they feel emotionally threatened or assaulted. This reactiveness can take place in a relationship with almost anyone in our lives -- a lover, a boss, a child, or a friend -- but it is almost always the most intense with our parents.

When you're reactive, you typically say things such as, "Every time my mother tells me how to live my life, I go crazy"; "They really know how to push my buttons, I always lose it with them"; or, "I just have to hear my father's voice and I see red." When you allow your emotional reactions to become automatic, you're giving up control, handing your feelings to someone else on a silver platter. This gives other people enormous power over you.

RESPONDING VERSUS REACTING

The opposite of being reactive is being responsive. When you're being responsive, you are thinking as well as feeling. You're aware of your feelings but you don't let them drive you to act impulsively.

When you are reactive, you are dependent on the approval of others. You feel good about yourself only when no one disagrees with you, criticizes you, or disapproves of you. Your feelings are often far out of proportion to the events that evoked them. You'll perceive a small suggestion as a personal attack; a minor constructive criticism as a personal failure. Without the approval of others, you have a hard time maintaining even minimal emotional stability.

Sandy needed to become less reactive and more responsive. I cautioned her that behavioral changes are a struggle for everyone, including myself, but I assured her that she could do it if she was willing to commit to the process. She was.

Responsiveness also allows you to maintain your sense of self-worth, despite anything your parents might say about you. This is extremely rewarding. The thoughts and feelings of others no longer drag you into a pit of self-doubt. You will see all sorts of new options and choices in your dealings with other people because your perspective and your sense of reason are not being buried by emotions. Responsiveness can put back into your hands a good deal of your control over your life.

The first thing I asked her to do was to recognize that most of her opinions of herself really came from things her parents had told her -- from their definition of her. The negative parts of that definition included labeling Sandy selfish, ungrateful, and bad. It took many years for Sandy to internalize this negative self-image, so we weren't about to change it overnight. But I showed her some beginning behavioral strategies to enable her to begin the process of replacing her parents' definition of her with a more realistic view of who she really was.

SANDY: No, I'm not! I'm always thinking of everybody else. I'm always thinking of you. I kill myself to avoid hurting you and Dad. What about all the times I was exhausted, but I still took you shopping or had you and Dad over for dinner? Nothing I ever do is enough for you.

SANDY (as Mother): Your father and I need a place to stay. You're being selfish and ungrateful.

I asked her to imagine that I was her mother. Through role playing, I wanted her to find a new way of answering her mother's cricitism, an alternative to her usual capitulation.

I told Sandy that she was being defensive. She was still apologizing, arguing, and explaining. She had to stop trying to "get them to see." As long as she was still seeking her mother's approval, she was still being controlled. She needed to become nondefensive if she wanted to begin to unhook. The idea is to drain as much heat as possible out of the interaction.

SUSAN (as Mother): You're selfish and ungrateful!

To show her what I meant, I switched roles with her. Sandy would be her mother, and I would be Sandy.

None of us is taught to respond nondefensively. That's why the technique doesn't come easily. It needs to be learned and practiced. Also, most people assume that if they don't defend themselves in a conflict, their opponents will see them as weak and ride right over them. In reality the opposite is true. If you can stay calm and refuse to be stampeded, then you retain the power.

NONDEFENSIVENESS

SANDY (as Mother): After everything we've done for you, I can't believe you'd even suggest that we go to a hotel.

SUSAN (as Sandy): I'm going to have to think about it.

SANDY (as Mother): Are you going to let us stay there or not?

Sandy discovered some surprising things during this exercise. She found that nondefensive responses kept the conflict from escalating, and, equally important, she didn't have to get backed up against the wall trying to defend herself.

SANDY (as Mother): I want an answer, young lady!

SUSAN (as Sandy): I know you do, Mom, but I'm going to have to think about it.

SANDY (breaking out of character): I don't know what else to say.

SUSAN (as Sandy): I'm sorry you're upset.

SUSAN (as Sandy): Gee, Mom, it's interesting that you see it that way.

It's important that you rehearse nondefensive responses by yourself before you start using them with others. To do this, imagine your parents in the room with you saying something critical or denigrating. Respond out loud to them nondefensively. Remember, the moment you argue, apologize, explain, or try to get them to change their minds, you have handed over much of your power. If you ask someone to forgive or to understand, you give them the power to withhold what you're asking for. But if you use nondefensive responses, you are asking for nothing, and when you ask for nothing, you can't be rejected.

Why don't we talk about this when you're not so upset.

I'm sorry you don't approve.

Oh, I see.

Here are some examples of nondefensive responses that you can try using in your daily interactions:

That's interesting.

You're certainly entitled to your opinion.

I'm sorry you're hurt (upset, disappointed).

Let me think about that.

Oh?

I can't stress strongly enough how essential it is to learn and use nondefensive responses, especially with toxic parents. This type of response can go a long way toward breaking the cycle of attack, retreat, defense, and escalation.

POSITION STATEMENTS

Once you feel somewhat comfortable with nondefensive responses, try using them the next time you have a disagreement with someone other than your parents. It's a good idea to test them out on someone you're less emotionally connected to -- a colleague or a casual friend. It will probably feel awkward and unnatural at first. You may find yourself lapsing back into defensive responses out of frustration. Like any new skill, you'll have to practice and be willing to make mistakes. But eventually it will become second nature.

Position statements define what you think and believe, what's important to you, what you are willing to do and not willing to do, what's negotiable and what's not. The issues can range in importance from your opinion of a recent film to your basic beliefs about life. Of course, before you can make a position statement, you have to determine what your position is.

There is another behavioral technique -- I call it "making position statements"-- that can help you become less reactive and propel you further down the road of self-definition.

I'm willing to let you stay for as long as you want.

Sandy's dilemma was typical of most people who have spent most of their lives feeling overly responsible for their parents. It's hard to define who you are when you've had little opportunity to do so in the past. To help Sandy make her position statement, I pointed out that there were basically only three positions she could take:

I'm not willing to let you stay at my house.

Sandy decided that while she really didn't want them to stay at all, it felt like too big a jump for her to tell them that. She agreed to tell them they could stay for one week. She believed that this would be a good way for her to assert her own needs while at the same time partially placating her parents.

When I asked Sandy what she really wanted to do about her parents' demand, she answered, "I don't know. I'm so worried about upsetting them that it's really hard for me to know just what I want myself."

REFRAMING "I CAN'T"

I'm willing to let you stay for a specified, limited time.

Some people think that if they merely rephrase an unwanted behavior as a choice, instead of changing that behavior, they're admitting defeat. I disagree. I see choice as the key to self-definition. Any decision based on choice moves us away from reactiveness. There is a big difference between choosing to capitulate to your parents because you've considered the alternatives and decided that you're not prepared to fight, and automatically capitulating because you feel helpless. Making a choice means taking a step toward control; knee-jerk reacting means backsliding into being controlled. It may not feel like an enormous amount of progress, but I assure you it is.

"I haven't yet" implies choice, where "don't" and "can't" imply just the opposite: finality. Lack of choice is directly connected to enmeshment. It is the key to keeping the child locked inside. Children's choices are dictated by adults. By saying, "I haven't yet," you open the door to new behavior in the future. You embrace hope.

Sandy was not completely satisfied with her solution. She was still putting a burden on her husband and on their relationship, and she believed that this was due to her weakness. With a deep sigh, she said, "I guess I just can't stand up to my parents." I asked her to repeat her statement, but instead of saying, "I can't…" say, "I haven't yet stood up to my parents."

The doing is rarely as bad as the anticipation. You don't need to jump in with the most emotionally charged issue between you and your parents. You can start to practice nondefensive responses when your mother doesn't like the color of your lipstick or your father criticizes your cooking.

Trying It Out on Your Parents

Some of my clients are so excited by the success they experience in trial runs with their new behaviors that they can't wait to try them out on their parents. But many others worry that their parents will become frustrated and/or infuriated at their nondefensive responses or their position statements. Toxic parents are used to pushing their children's buttons. When they don't get the reactions they expect, they get upset.

You are an adult and can withstand your discomfort for the purpose of becoming your own person.

My advice to you is: go for it. The sooner the better. To delay taking this small first step, to spend weeks or months "thinking about it," will only increase your anxiety. Remember:

I suggested to Sandy that she make the most of the time her parents were living with her by practicing nondefensive responses and making position statements about small things. I encouraged her to express her thoughts and opinions. Instead of saying, "You're wrong, shellfish is bad for you," she could say, "I don't happen to agree with you, I think shellfish is bad for you." In that way her position would be framed as an opinion instead of a challenge, reducing the chance of inciting an emotional reaction.

I also suggested that if she felt brave enough, she might try to tackle some of the larger problems in her relationship with her parents by setting limits, letting them know what she was and was not willing to do for them.

Although Sandy felt somewhat apprehensive about the things I was asking her to do, she knew that unless she began to try out some of this new behavior she would stay stuck in her rut. But she was pessimistic about her parents' ability to change. She asked me how she could feel good about her behavioral changes if they didn't work -- if her parents didn't change as a result. I reminded her that they didn't have to change. If she changed her ways of responding to them, she would be single-handedly changing her relationship to them. This could cause them to change, but even if it didn't, Sandy would be tipping the balance of power into her own hands.

When you become self-defined -- when you become responsive instead of reactive, when you make clear statements about what you feel and think, when you set limits on what you are and aren't willing to do -- your relationship with your parents will have to change.