All the work you've done in the last three chapters -- the exercises, the checklists, and gaining understanding of who is really responsible -- has been preparing you for confrontation. Confrontation means facing your parents thoughtfully and courageously about your painful past and your difficult present. It is the most frightening and at the same time the most empowering act that you will ever perform.

The process is simple, though not easy. When you are ready, you calmly but firmly tell your parents about the negative events you remember from your childhood. You tell them how those events affected your life and how they affect your relationship with your parents now. You clearly define the aspects of that relationship that are painful and harmful to you now. Then you lay out new ground rules.

to retaliate

The purpose of confrontation with your parents is not:

to dump your anger on them

to get something positive back from them

to put them down

to punish them

The purpose of confrontation with your parents is:

to overcome once and for all your fear of facing up to them

to tell your parents the truth

It is absolutely true that confrontation may not get your parents to give you the acknowledgment, apology, recognition, or acceptance of responsibility that you seek. It is a rare toxic parent who will respond to a confrontation by saying, "It's all true, I was terrible to you," or, "Please forgive me," or, "What can I do to make it up to you now?"

to determine the type of relationship you can have with them from now on

"IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD"

to face up to them

Many people -- including some prominent therapists -- do not believe in confrontation. Their rationales are quite familiar: "Don't look backward, look forward"; "It will only cause more stress and anger"; or, "It doesn't heal wounds, it just reopens them." These critics simply don't understand.

If you have already attempted to confront your parents but were bitterly disappointed by the outcome, you probably gauged the success of your confrontation by whether you got a positive response from your parents. By using their response as an indicator, you set yourself up for failure. You should expect them to react negatively. Remember, you are doing this for yourself, not for them. You should consider your confrontation successful simply because you had the courage to do it.

In fact, just the opposite often occurs: parents deny, claim to have forgotten, project the blame back on their child, and get very angry.

We're all afraid to face the truth about our parents. We're all afraid to acknowledge that we didn't get what we needed from them and that we're not going to get it now. But the alternative to confrontation is to live with these fears. If you avoid taking positive action on your own behalf, you're reinforcing your feelings of helplessness and inadequacy, you're undermining your self-respect.

I push people very hard to confront toxic parents. I do this for one simple reason: confrontation works. Through the years I've seen confrontations make dramatic, positive changes in the lives of thousands of people. This doesn't mean I don't appreciate how frightened people feel when they even think about confronting their parents. The emotional stakes are high. But the mere fact that you're doing it, that you're facing what are probably some of your deepest fears, is enough to begin to change the balance of power between you and your parents.

WHY SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PARENTS?

There's one more vitally important reason for confrontation:

If you don't deal with your fear, your guilt, and your anger at your parents, you're going to take it out on your partner or your children.

I urge my clients to carefully consider the timing of the confrontation. You don't want to shoot from the hip, but neither do you want to postpone the confrontation indefinitely.

What you don't hand back, you pass on.

WHEN SHOULD I CONFRONT MY PARENTS?

I could never do that.

Maybe I'll do it someday, but not now.

When can I do it?

When people decide to confront, they usually go through three stages:

When I first urge clients to confront their parents, they invariably insist that it's not right for them. I can usually count on what I call the "anything but that" syndrome. Clients will agree to make any number of other changes as long as they don't have to confront their parents -- anything but that!

I told Glenn -- who had problems with timidity and who regretted having taken his alcoholic father into business with him -- that he needed to confront his father. He needed either to set limits on his father's behavior or to get him out of the business altogether. He responded with a classic "anything but that":

I am not going to confront my father. I know that means I'm being a wimp, but I do not want to cause my parents any more pain. I'm sure there are plenty of things I can do instead of confronting my father. I can find a job for him with less pressure where he won't be in front of my customers as much. I can stop letting him get to me. I can start exercising more to let off steam. I can…

I told Glenn that much of his irritability and timidity were a direct result of his repressed rage toward his father and his unwillingness to take personal responsibility for confronting his difficulties. I acknowledged that most people respond with "anything but that" early in therapy and assured him that I did not find it discouraging. He simply wasn't ready. But once we had some time to plan the confrontation and to practice it, I was sure he'd feel more confident.

I interrupted Glenn: "'Anything but that,' right? Anything but the one action that can make a significant difference in your life."

Glenn had his doubts, but over time he saw several other group members make the decision to confront. All reported back with success stories. Glenn acknowledged that confrontation had worked for these people, but he was quick to add that his situation was different. Without realizing it, Glenn had moved closer to the second stage of his confrontation decision.

Glenn was hoping I could conjure up some magic itinerary to tell him when his anxiety level would drop enough for him to go through with his confrontation. The truth is, quite often your anxiety level drops only after the confrontation. There's no way to determine a perfect time, you just have to be prepared.

There are four basic requirements you must meet before confronting your parents:

About six weeks into group, Glenn told me that he had started thinking about confrontation. For the first time, he admitted that it was a possibility… for the future. He had arrived at stage 2. A few weeks later, he asked me when I thought he should do it. Stage 3.

In the course of his therapy Glenn worked very hard to learn both nondefensive responses and position statements. He had begun to use both these techniques in business situations and with some of his friends. He was feeling good about it. But the constant stress of the day-to-day relationship with his father and the enormous weight of the unfinished business from his childhood were bogging him down.

You must feel strong enough to handle your parents' rejection, denial, blame, anger, or any other negative consequences of confrontation.

You must have a sufficient support system to help you through the anticipation, the confrontation itself, and the aftermath.

You must no longer feel responsible for the bad things that happened to you as a child.

You must have written a letter or rehearsed what you want to say, and you must have practiced nondefensive responses.

Once you are feeling relatively confident, and you've fulfilled the four requirements, there's no time like the present. Don't wait.

The anticipation of confrontation is always worse than confrontation itself.

I told Glenn that it was important for him to set a date for his confrontation, hopefully in this century. He needed to give himself a tangible goal to work toward. That work, I told him, would include extensive rehearsals to prepare himself for the most important performance of his life.

This last point is especially important. If you are still carrying the responsibility of the traumas of your childhood, it is too soon to confront. You cannot confront your parents with a responsibility you are not convinced they deserve.

LETTER WRITING

How Do I Confront My Parents?

I am a big advocate of writing as a therapeutic technique. A letter provides a wonderful opportunity to organize what you want to say and to rework it until you're satisfied. It gives the recipient a chance to read it over more than once and to reflect on the contents. A letter is also safer if you're dealing with a potentially violent parent. Confrontation is important, but it's never worth risking physical assault.

Always write a separate letter to each parent. Even if some of the issues are the same, your relationship with and your feelings for each parent are different. Write your first letter to the parent you think is the more toxic or abusive. Those feelings will be closer to the surface, more easily tapped. Once you have opened the floodgates by writing the first letter -- assuming both your parents are alive -- your feelings toward the other parent will flow more easily. In your second letter, you can confront the more benign of your parents with his or her passivity and lack of protection.

Confrontation can be done either face-to-face or by letter. You will notice that I do not include the telephone as an option. While it may seem safe, confrontation by phone is almost always ineffective. It's too easy for your parents to hang up. In addition, the telephone is "artificial"; it makes true emotional expression very difficult. If your parents are in another city and it is not practical for them to come to you or for you to go to them, write to them.

This is what you did to me.

A confrontation by letter works exactly like one done in person. Both begin with the words: "I am going to say some things to you I have never said before" and both should cover four major points:

This is how I felt about it at the time.

This is how it affected my life.

I have found that these four points provide a solid, focused base for all confrontations. This structure generally covers everything you need to say and will help prevent your confrontation from becoming scattered and ineffective.

This is what I want from you now.

Carol -- whose father continually taunted her about smelling bad -- decided she felt ready to confront her parents at a time when a large decorating job prevented her from going East to do it face-to-face. I assured her she could have an effective confrontation by letter. I suggested that she write the letter at home, during a quiet time, with the phone off the hook to prevent interruption.

Writing confrontation letters is always an intense emotional experience. Before sending her letter, I suggested that Carol put it aside for several days, then reread it when she was calmer. As most people do, she wound up rewriting quite a bit when she came back to her letter. You may find yourself writing several drafts before you're satisfied. Remember, you are not in an essay contest. The letter doesn't have to be a literary masterpiece -- it needs only to express the truth of your feelings and experiences.

Here is a portion of the letter that Carol read to me the following week:

I'm going to say some things to you that I've never said before. First of all, I want to tell you why I haven't spent much time with you and Mother over the last several months. This may surprise and disturb you, but I haven't wanted to see you because I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of feeling helpless and being verbally attacked by you. And I'm afraid of relying on you and then being emotionally abandoned by you again. Let me explain.

[This is what you did to me.]

Dear Dad,

When I was a very little girl, I remember this father who loved, adored, and cared for me. But, as I grew older, all of that changed. When I was about eleven, you became very cruel to me. You constantly told me I smelled bad. You blamed me for everything that went wrong. You blamed me when I lost the scholarship. You blamed me when Bob [her brother] fell and hurt himself. You blamed me when my leg got broken. You blamed me when Mom left you for a while. When Mom left, I was left without any emotional support. You told me jokes that were too dirty, talked about how sexy I looked in a sweater, and either treated me like a date or told me I looked like a whore.

[How I felt about it at the time.]

I had no parenting after twelve. I am sure you were having a terrible time yourself during those years, but you hurt me very much. You may not have meant to hurt me, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I felt scared, humiliated, and confused. I wondered why you stopped loving me. I yearned to be Daddy's little girl again and wondered what I had done to lose you. I blamed myself for everything. I hated myself. I felt unlovable and disgusting.

[How it affected my life.]

I was terribly damaged as a person. Many men have been quite brutal to me and I always thought it was my fault. When Hank beat me up, I wrote him a letter of apology. I've had a deplorable lack of belief in myself, in my ability, and in my worthiness.

When I was fifteen, a man tried to rape me and you blamed me. I really believed it was my fault because you said so. When I was eight months pregnant with my son, my husband beat me up, and you told me I must have done something terrible to make him so angry. You constantly told me all the terrible things that Mother did. You told me that she never loved me, that I was dirty inside, and that I didn't have a brain in my head.

[This is what I want from you.]

I don't know you very well. I don't know what your pains were or what your fears were. I'm grateful that you were a hard worker, that you were a good provider, and that you took me on nice vacations. I remember you teaching me about trees and birds, people and politics, sports and geography, camping and skating. I remember that you laughed a lot. Also, you might like to know that I am doing much better in my life now. I don't let men beat up on me anymore. I have wonderful and supportive friends, a good profession, and a son I adore.

I'm sorry you and I didn't have the relationship we could have. I missed a lot by not being able to give my love to a father I so wanted to love. I will continue to send you cards and gifts because that makes me feel good. However, if I am going to see you, you're going to have to accept my ground rules.

I want you to apologize for being such a cruel, lousy father. I want you to acknowledge that the harm you did to me caused me great hurt and pain. I want you to stop the verbal attacks. The last one happened when I saw you at Bob's house and I asked for advice about my business. You yelled at me for no reason. I hated it. I submitted then, but I won't anymore. I want you to know that I won't tolerate that in the future. I would like you to acknowledge that good fathers don't leer at their daughters, that good fathers don't insult and degrade their daughters, that good fathers protect their daughters.

If you have the confrontation in your therapist's office, be sure to meet your parents there. No one can predict what will happen in the session. It is important for you to have your own means of getting home. Even if the confrontation ends on a positive note, you may still feel like being alone afterward, to deal with your feelings and thoughts in private.

-- Carol

Please write me and acknowledge my letter. We can't change the past, but we can begin again.

FACE-TO-FACE

The first step in planning a face-to-face, assuming you have already done the emotional work to prepare yourself, is to choose a place to do it. If you are in therapy, you might want to have the confrontation in your therapist's office. Your therapist can orchestrate the confrontation, make sure you get heard, help you if you get stuck, and, most important, be supportive and protective. I realize this stacks the deck against your parents, but better against them than against you, especially at such a crucial point in your work.

Many of my clients prefer the safety of writing letters, but many others need immediate feedback to feel that their confrontation was a success. For these clients, only a face-to-face confrontation will do.

If you have a choice, I advise you to set the confrontation in your own home. You will feel much stronger on your own turf. If you travel to another city for your confrontation, try to get your parents to come to your hotel room.

You may prefer to do your confrontation on your own. Perhaps you don't have a therapist -- or, if you do, you may feel the need to show your parents that you can assert your independence without help. Many parents simply refuse to go to a therapist's office. For whatever reason, if you decide to do it on your own, you have to decide whether to confront your parents in their home or in yours. A public place, such as a restaurant or a bar, is much too inhibiting. You need total privacy.

You can have an effective confrontation on your parents' turf if necessary. But you will have to work hard to avoid falling victim to childhood fears, guilts, and feelings of helplessness. You should be especially wary of these childhood feelings if your parents still live in the house you grew up in.

I have no hard and fast rule about whether to confront your parents together or separately, though my preference is to do it together. Toxic parents set up family systems that rely on a great deal of secrecy, collusion, and denial to keep the family in balance. Talking to both parents at once cuts through a great deal of that.

Some people are concerned about rehearsing too much and losing their spontaneity before the confrontation. Don't worry. You'll have enough anxiety to ensure plenty of deviations from what you've prepared. No matter how much you've rehearsed, the words won't come easily. In fact, it's essential that you know ahead of time that you will be very, very nervous. Your heart will pound, your stomach may knot, you may sweat, you may have a hard time catching your breath, and you may get tongue-tied and forget your lines.

On the other hand, if your parents have greatly differing dispositions, perspectives, or defenses, you may be better able to communicate by taking them on one at a time.

Some people's minds just go blank under extreme pressure. If you're worried about this happening, you can avoid the added anxiety by writing a letter to your parents and then reading it aloud to them in your confrontation. This is an excellent way to defeat opening-night jitters and assure that you'll get your message across.

No matter where you decide to have your confrontation, and no matter whether you confront your parents separately or together, you must carefully prepare what you want to say. Rehearse your lines out loud, either alone or with someone, until you know them cold. A face-to-face confrontation is like opening night on Broadway: would you go on stage without learning your lines and understanding your motivation? Before making your confrontation, you need both adequate rehearsal and a clear sense of what you wish to accomplish.

You'll want to start your confrontation by setting the rules. I suggest something like this:

I'm going to say some things to you that I've never said before, and I want you to agree to hear me out until I'm done. This is very important to me, so please don't contradict me or interrupt me. After I've said what I need to say, you'll have all the time you want to say what you need to say. Are you willing to do that?

Preparing for Opening Night

It is essential that your parents agree to these terms at the outset. Most parents will. If they are not willing to do even this much, it is probably better to reschedule the confrontation. It is important for you to say what you have rehearsed without getting sidetracked, interrupted, or otherwise diverted from your goals. If they refuse to hear you out, you may have to confront them by letter instead.

Remember, the important thing here is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats, and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Inadequate or deficient parents may become even more pathetic and overwhelmed. Alcoholics may deny their alcoholism more vehemently, or if they are in recovery they may use that fact to try to undercut your right to confront them. Controllers may escalate their guilt-peddling and self-righteousness. Abusive parents may become enraged and will almost certainly try to blame you for your own abuse. All of these behaviors are in the service of regaining family balance and returning you to a submissive status quo. It is a good idea to expect the worst -- anything better is a bonus.

Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they've always used, only more so.

WHAT TO EXPECT

I'm sure you see it that way.

To help yourself prepare, envision the worst possible scenario. Visualize your parents' faces, furious, pitiful, tearful, whatever. Hear their angry words, their denials, their accusations. Desensitize yourself by saying out loud whatever you think your parents will say, then rehearse calm, nondefensive responses. Ask a partner or friend to play the role of one or both parents. Tell him or her to pull out all the stops and say the worst things imaginable to you. Have your substitute parent scream, yell, call you names, threaten to cut you out of the family, and accuse you of being horrible and selfish. Practice answering with such lines as:

I'm not willing to accept your labels.

Name calling and screaming won't get us anywhere.

This is a good example of why we need this meeting.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation, along with some key responses that you may want to study:

It's not okay for you to talk to me that way.

You agreed to hear me out.

Let's do this some other time, when you're calmer.

Your response: "Just because you don't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"It never happened." Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly use it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating, or that your father could never have done such a thing. They won't remember, or they'll accuse you of lying. This reaction is especially common for alcoholics, whose denials may be reinforced by drink-induced memory lapses.

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they'll blame you. They'll say that you were bad or that you were difficult. They'll claim they did the best they could but you always created problems for them. They'll say that you drove them crazy. They'll offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They'll offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

A variation on this theme is to blame the confrontation on current difficulties in your life. "Why are you attacking us, when your real problem is that you can't hold a job, control your child, keep a husband, etc." This may even come disguised as sympathy for the turmoil you are experiencing. Anything to deflect the focus from their behavior.

"I said I was sorry." Parents may promise to change, to become more loving, to be more supportive, but that's often just a carrot on a stick. Once the dust settles, the weight of old habits takes over and they pull the stick back, reverting to their toxic behavior. Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things you say but be unwilling to do anything about it. The line I hear most often is, "I've said I'm sorry, what more do you want?"

Your response: "I appreciate your apology, but that's just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll be available to me when I need you and you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

Your response: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child."

"We did the best we could." Those parents who either were inadequate or were silent partners to abuse will frequently deal with confrontation in the same passive, ineffectual ways as they've traditionally used to deal with problems. These parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They'll say such things as, "You'll never understand what I was going through,"

"You don't know how many times I tried to get him/her to stop," or, "I did the best I could." This particular style of response may stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It's important that you acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating yours.

Your response: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me."

Your response: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for the beatings [constant criticism, violence, insults, alcoholism, etc.]."

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They'll say things like, "This is the thanks we get," or, "Nothing was ever enough for you."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty." They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They'll accuse you of hurting them or disappointing them. They'll complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They'll tell you they're not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down.

The typical reactions and suggested responses given above can help you avoid some emotional quicksand during confrontation. However, there are some people with whom you can't communicate no matter how hard you try.

SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY IMPOSSIBLE

Some parents escalate the conflict so intensely during confrontation that communication becomes impossible. No matter how reasonable, how kind, how clear, how articulate you may be, their behavior may require you to cut short the confrontation. They will twist your words and your motives, will lie, will constantly interrupt when they agreed not to, will accuse, scream, break furniture, throw dishes, and make you feel at best crazy and at worst homicidal. So, just as it is important to push past your fears and make every effort to say what you need to say to your parents, it is also important to know when that is impossible. If you have to cut short your confrontation because of their behavior, it is their failure, not yours.

Your response: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

A Quiet Confrontation

MELANIE: Mom, I need to talk to you about some things in my childhood that still hurt me. I realize how much I blamed myself when I was a little girl…

Melanie -- who kept trying to rescue inadequate men and who, as a child, wrote to Dear Abby because she was forced to comfort her depressed father during his frequent crying jags -- opted to bring her mother, Ginny, into my office for her confrontation (her father had since died). She began with the words we had rehearsed together, and her mother agreed to hear her out.

GINNY (interrupting): If you still feel that way, honey, then your therapy must not be doing much good.

Not many confrontations get out of control, even if they get stormy. In fact, many are surprisingly calm.

MELANIE: You agreed to hear me out and not to interrupt. We're not talking about therapy now, we're talking about my childhood. Do you remember when Daddy would get so upset with me for fighting with Neal [her brother]? Daddy would burst into tears and tell me how good Neal was to me and how awful I was to him? Do you remember all the times you would send me to Daddy's room when he was crying and tell me that I was supposed to cheer him up? Do you have any idea how much guilt you put on me to be Daddy's caretaker? I had to take care of him when I should have been being a little girl. Why didn't you take care of Daddy? Why didn't Daddy take care of himself? Why did I have to do it? You were never there even when you were there. I spent more time with the housekeepers than I spent with you. You remember when I wrote that letter to Dear Abby? You just ignored that too.

GINNY (quietly): I don't remember any of this.

MELANIE: Mom, maybe you choose not to remember, but if you want to be helpful you've got to hear me out. Nobody's attacking you, I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. Okay, this is how I felt about all this stuff while it was going on. I felt totally alone, I felt like an awful person, I felt really guilty and very overwhelmed because I was trying to fix things I couldn't fix. That's how I felt. Now let me tell you how it affected my life. Up until I started working on this stuff I felt very empty. I feel better now, but I'm still scared of sensitive men. So I keep hooking up with these cold, unresponsive guys. I have a horrible time trying to figure out who I am, what I want, or what I need. I'm just beginning to figure it out. The hardest part is for me to like myself. Every time I try, I hear Daddy telling me what an awful kid I was.

GINNY (beginning to cry): I honestly don't remember those things, but I'm sure if you say that happened they must have. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own unhappiness…

MELANIE: Oh, no. Now I'm feeling guilty because I've hurt your feelings.

SUSAN: Melanie, why don't you tell your mother what you want from her now?

AN EXPLOSIVE CONFRONTATION

MELANIE: I want an adult-to-adult relationship. I want to be real with you. I want to be able to tell you the truth. I want you to listen to me when I talk about my experiences from the past. I want you to be willing to remember and to think and feel about what really happened. I want you to take responsibility for the fact that you didn't take care of me and you didn't protect me from Daddy's moods. I want us to start telling each other the truth.

Ginny made some genuine efforts to hear her daughter out and to validate her. She also showed some capacity for sane, rational communication. Ultimately, she agreed to try her best to comply with Melanie's requests, though it was clear that she found them somewhat overwhelming.

Joe's parents were not so understanding. Joe was the graduate student in psychology whose father had beaten him. After much persuasion Joe finally got his alcoholic father and his co-dependent mother to come into my office. Joe had been eager for this confrontation for some time. It turned out to be far more volatile than Melanie's.

A great deal of our first half hour was spent trying to establish some kind of atmosphere in which Joe could say what he needed to say. His father constantly interrupted, yelled, swore -- anything to intimidate his son into silence. When I'd step in to protect Joe, Alan would turn and bad-mouth both me and my profession. Joe's mother barely spoke at all, and when she did it was to plead with her husband to calm down. What I saw was a microcosm of forty years of misery. Joe did surprisingly well under almost impossible circumstances. He managed with great effort to stay calm, although I could see he was seething with rage. Alan's final outburst occurred when Joe brought up his father's alcoholism.

Joe's father, Alan, strode into my office fully expecting to take charge. He was a large, sandy-haired man who looked every one of his 60-plus years; decades of anger and alcoholism had taken a significant toll on his appearance. Joe's mother, Joanne, seemed like a gray lady -- gray hair, gray complexion, gray dress, gray personality. Her eyes had that haunted look that I've seen so often in battered wives. She came in behind her husband, sat down, folded her hands, and stared at the floor.

ALAN: Okay, you little shithead, that's it. Just who the fuck do you think you are? The trouble with you is that I was too easy on you. I should have made you earn everything you got. How dare you call me a drunk in front of a total stranger. You son of a bitch, you won't be happy until you tear this family apart, will you? Well I'm not going to sit here and let some miserable, ungrateful little bastard and his goddamn shrink tell me what to do.

JOANNE: I'm so sorry. I'm so ashamed. He's really not like this. It's just that he's a very proud man and can't stand to lose face. He really has a lot of wonderful qualities…

At this point Alan stood up and headed out. He turned around at the door and asked Joanne if she was coming. Joanne pleaded with him to let her stay for the rest of the session. Alan told her that he'd be downstairs in the coffeeshop and if she wasn't there in fifteen minutes she could figure out her own way to get home. Then he stalked out.

JOE: Mom, stop! For God's sake stop! That's exactly what you've been doing my whole life. You lied for him, you covered up for him, you let him beat both of us, and you never did anything about it. I used to have fantasies that I was going to rescue you from all of that. Did it ever occur to you to rescue me? Do you have any idea what it felt like being a little kid in that house? Do you have any idea what kind of terror I lived with every day? Why didn't you do anything about it? Why don't you do something about it now?

JOANNE: You've got your own life. Why can't you let us be?

YOUR REACTION

Immediately after your confrontation, you may experience a sudden rush of euphoria from your newfound courage and strength. You may be flooded with relief at having finally put the confrontation behind you, even if it didn't go exactly the way you had hoped. You may feel a lot lighter for having said many of the things you were holding in for so long. But you may also feel severely off balance or disappointed. You will certainly continue to feel anxious about what's going to happen next.

Joe's confrontation was explosive and frustrating, but it was actually a great success. He finally accepted the fact that his parents were beset by their own demons and overwhelmingly locked into their toxic behavior patterns. He was finally able to renounce his hopeless hope that they would change.

Regardless of your initial reaction, it takes some time to feel the full and lasting benefits of confrontation. You'll need several weeks or even months to begin to experience the real empowerment that confrontation can give you. And you will experience it. Ultimately, you'll feel neither the extremes of euphoria nor disappointment. Instead, you'll enjoy a steadily increasing sense of well-being and confidence.

What to Expect After Confrontation

The nature of your confrontation will not necessarily indicate what the ultimate outcome will be. It takes time for all parties to process the experience and to deal with it in their own ways.

YOUR PARENTS' REACTIONS

If a parent does react angrily after the confrontation, you may feel a great temptation to counterattack. Avoid inflammatory statements like, "That's just like you," or, "I can never trust anything you say." It's very important that you stick to your nondefensive guns, or you'll hand your newly won power right back to your parents. Instead, say things like the following:

For example, a confrontation that appears to end positively can turn around once your parents have time to think about it. They may experience delayed reactions. They may have been relatively calm during the confrontation, only to start in with angry recriminations later on, accusing you of creating destructive upheaval in the family.

On the other hand, I've seen confrontations that ended in anger and turmoil eventually lead to positive changes in clients' interactions with their parents. Once the initial uproar settles down, the fact that you've pried the lid off the past may result in more open, honest communication between you and your parents.

I'll come back and talk about this when you're calmer.

I'm willing to talk about your anger, but I'm not going to let you yell at me or insult me.

If your parents express their anger by giving you the silent treatment, try something like this:

I'm ready to talk to you whenever you're ready to stop trying to punish me with your silence.

One thing is absolutely certain: nothing will ever be the same. It's important that you pay attention to the ripple effects of your confrontation in the weeks, months, and even years afterward. You must remain clear-headed and clear-eyed as you assess your changing relationship with your parents and with other members of your family.

I've risked telling you what's on my mind. Why aren't you willing to risk the same thing?

In addition to dramatic changes in your relationship with your parents, you must expect changes in their relationship with each other.

Your job is to hold on to your reality and not get pushed back into your old reactive and defensive patterns, regardless of what your parents do.

THE IMPACT ON YOUR PARENTS' RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER

You will be tempted to blame yourself for problems your parents develop in their relationship. You will wonder if it wouldn't have been better to have left things alone.

If your confrontation involves telling the truth about a family secret that one parent has been keeping from the other, such as incest, the impact on their relationship will be profound. One parent may ally with you against the other. Their relationship may even fall apart. If your confrontation involves speaking the unspoken that everyone knew but never faced, such as alcoholism, the impact on your parents' relationship may not be as extreme, but it can still be powerful. Their relationship may become extremely shaky.

When Carla -- who gave up her trip to Mexico to visit her needy, alcoholic mother -- confronted her mother's drinking and her father's co-dependency, her parents' marriage suffered a harsh blow. When her mother went into recovery, her father fell apart. His self-worth had depended largely on his playing the powerful adequate parent. With his wife no longer leaning on him, his role in the family lost its meaning. Their marriage had been built on a certain pattern of interrelating that no longer applied. They didn't know how to communicate, they had no balance, and they'd lost their common ground. Carla had mixed feelings about this.

CARLA: But if they get a divorce, I'm going to feel terrible.

CARLA: Look what I started. I upset the whole family.

SUSAN: Wait a minute. You didn't start anything. They started it.

SUSAN: There's no reason for you to feel guilty. They're reevaluating their relationship because they've got new information. You didn't invent that information, you just turned the light on.

SUSAN: No, they didn't.

CARLA: Well, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. They had an okay marriage before.

CARLA: Well, it looked okay.

Carla's parents did not divorce, but neither did their marriage ever regain peace. However, though they continued their struggle with each other, it was a struggle that no longer contaminated Carla's life. By telling the truth and by not getting reenmeshed when her parents started acting out their long-smoldering conflicts with each other, she achieved a freedom for herself that she had always believed impossible.

SUSAN: No, it didn't.

CARLA (after a long pause): I guess what feels so scary is that I've finally decided I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for them anymore. I'm going to let them be responsible for themselves for a change. And if that upsets everybody then I'll just have to deal with their unhappiness.

YOUR SIBLINGS' REACTIONS

While this book focuses primarily on your relationship with your parents, confrontation doesn't occur in a vacuum. You are part of a family system, and everyone else in that system will be affected. Just as your relationship with your parents will never be the same after confrontation, your relationship with your siblings will change as well.

After Carol's father received his letter, he called and gave her some unexpected support. He told her that he didn't remember the things she had written about in her letter as she remembered them, but he apologized for any pain he had caused her. Carol was deeply touched and excited about the possibility of a new relationship with her father. Within a few weeks, however, she was devastated by a second conversation with him, in which he not only denied the experiences she had written about but denied having apologized as well. Then, to add insult to injury, Carol's younger brother called and verbally attacked her for daring to "spread disgusting lies" about their father. He told her she had a "sick mind" for accusing their father of having been abusive with her.

Some siblings have had experiences similar to yours and will validate your memories. Others have had similar experiences but because of their own enmeshment with their parents will deny or discount even the most horrendous abuse both of you and of them. Still others may have had different experiences and will have no idea what you're talking about.

Some siblings will feel extremely threatened by your confrontation and may become enraged at you for upsetting the precarious balance of the family. This is the way Carol's brother reacted.

Here are some examples of things you might say to your siblings:

If your siblings react negatively to your confrontation, they may put a lot of energy into letting you know how much you've upset the family. You may receive many letters, phone calls, or visits from them. They may become your parents' emissaries, delivering messages, pleas, threats, and ultimatums. They may call you names and do all they can to convince you that you're either wrong, crazy, or both. Once again, it is essential that you use nondefensive responses and stand by your right to tell the truth.

I'm not doing this to upset anyone, but this is something I have to do for myself.

I can understand your wanting to protect them, but what I'm saying is true.

My relationship with you is very important to me, but I won't bury my own needs to maintain it.

Just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean it didn't happen to me.

I'm willing to talk to you about this, but I won't let you insult me.

Kate -- whose banker father battered both her and her sister, Judy, often at the same time -- was convinced that her sister would despise her for bringing up their painful past. However, Kate chose to take that risk.

I've always felt very protective of Judy. A lot of times she got it worse than I did. The night I sent my letter to my parents, I called her because I wanted her to know what I was doing. She said she'd be right over, and we needed to talk. I was sure she was going to be furious. I was an absolute basket case. When I opened the door I could see she'd been crying. We threw our arms around each other and just held each other for a long time. We talked and we cried and we hugged and we laughed and we cried some more. We went over all of it. Judy remembered some things I'd totally forgotten and she was really glad to be talking about it. She told me if it weren't for me she might have kept all this inside for God knows how long. She felt so much closer to me. She didn't feel so alone with all of this garbage. She really admired my guts, and she wanted me to know she was with me all the way. When Judy said that, I just melted.

By telling the truth, both Kate and Judy were able to enrich their relationship and give each other strong support. Kate's courageous actions also inspired her sister to get some counseling to deal with the pain of her own abusive childhood.

Confrontation affects everyone to whom you are emotionally connected, especially your partner and children, who are secondary victims of your toxic parents. After confrontation, you're going to need all the love and support you can get. Don't be afraid to ask for it. Don't be afraid to tell them that this is a very difficult time for you. But remember, they won't be experiencing the same intense emotions, and they may not fully understand why you had to do what you did. Because this may also be a difficult time for them, if they are not as supportive as you'd like, it's important that you try to show some understanding for their feelings.

OTHER FAMILY REACTIONS

Your parents may attempt to involve other family members as allies in their continuing campaign to absolve themselves and make you the villain. This may include relatives to whom you are very close, such as a grandparent or a favorite aunt. Some of these relatives may deal with the family uproar by becoming protective of your parents. Others may side with you. As with your parents and your siblings, it is important to deal with each family member on his or her own terms and remind each one that you are taking positive steps for your own well-being and that they should not feel compelled to take sides.

Sometimes a relative or close family friend simply can't understand why you had to confront your parents, and your relationship with that person may suffer as a result. This is never easy; it may be one of the more painful prices you must pay for emotional health.

I appreciate your concern, but this is between my parents and me.

You may even hear from such unexpected sources as your mother's best friend or your minister. Remember, you don't owe detailed explanations to nonfamily go-betweens. If you choose not to give them, you might say something like the following:

I understand that you'd like to help, but I don't want to discuss this with you.

You're making a judgment about something you don't have full information about. When things calm down, perhaps I can talk to you about it.

THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME

Far and away the most dangerous reaction you should be prepared for after confrontation is that your parents may make a last-ditch attempt to undo what you've done. They may pull out all the stops to punish you. They may harangue you about your treachery or, alternatively, stop speaking to you. They may threaten to cut you out of the family or out of their will. You have, after all, broken the family rules of silence and denial. You have destroyed the family myth. You have defined yourself as separate, striking a blow against hopeless enmeshment in the family craziness.

This is when your emotional support system becomes especially important. Just as the Greek hero Ulysses had his crew lash him to the mast so that he could hear the Sirens sing without succumbing to their irresistible but fatal attraction, your friend, therapist, partner, or some combination thereof can lash you to a protective emotional mast of your own. He or she can give you the caring and validation you need to retain your faith in yourself and in the important choice you have made.

In essence, you have dropped an emotional atom bomb; you can expect repercussions. The angrier your parents become, the more you will be tempted to renounce your new strength and seek "peace at any price." You'll wonder whether what you've gained is really worth the uproar. All of your doubts, second thoughts, and even the yearnings to return to the status quo are common. Toxic parents will do almost anything to regain the familiar and comfortable family balance. They can be incredibly seductive when they sing their siren songs of guilt, pity, or blame.

Deciding What Kind of Relationship You Can Have with Them Now

It is not easy to hold your ground while your family adjusts around you. Facing the consequences of your new behavior is one of the bravest things you will ever ask of yourself. But it will also be one of the most rewarding.

Once the dust begins to settle and you have a chance to take a look at the effect of your confrontation on your relationship with your parents, you will discover that there are three options available to you.

In my experience, toxic parents rarely follow through on their threats to excommunicate their children from the family. They are much too enmeshed and tend to resist drastic changes. However, there are no guarantees. I have seen parents who have cut their children out of their lives, who have made good on threats to disinherit them or stop whatever financial help they were providing. You must be emotionally and psychologically prepared for this or any other reaction.

First, let's say that your parents have shown some capacity for understanding your pain and have acknowledged even a small part of their responsibility for the conflicts between you. If they indicate some willingness to continue to discuss, to explore, and to share feelings and concerns with you, there is a good chance that you will be able to build, together, a less toxic relationship. You can become your parents' teacher, instructing them in the fine art of treating you as an equal and communicating without criticism or attack. You can teach them how to express their own feelings without fear. You can teach them what does and does not feel good to you in the relationship. I won't pretend that this is what happens most of the time, or even much of the time, but it does happen some of the time. You can't know what their resources are until you push them to the crucial test of confrontation.

The third and final option is to give up your relationship with your parents altogether, for the sake of your well-being. Some parents are so relentlessly antagonistic after confrontation that they escalate their toxic behaviors. If this happens, you may be forced to choose between them and your emotional health. You've been shortchanging yourself all your life; now it's time for a new accounting system.

Second, if your parents show little capacity for change in your relationship, if they go right back to "business as usual," you may decide that the healthiest thing for you to do is to stay in contact with them but on significantly less demanding terms. I've worked with many people who were unwilling to totally cut off their parents but were equally unwilling to return to the status quo. These people chose to pull back, establishing a cordial but somewhat superficial relationship with their parents. They stopped exposing their innermost feelings and vulnerabilities; instead, they limited their conversations to emotionally neutral topics. They established new ground rules about the nature of their contact with their parents. This middle position seems to work well for many of my clients and it might work well for you. It's okay to stay in contact with toxic parents as long as the relationship does not require you to sacrifice your mental health.

When the moratorium is over, you need to assess whether your parents have softened their position. Ask them for a meeting to discuss it. If they have not changed, you can either try another moratorium or make the ultimate choice to break off from them completely.

There is no way to face this third option without a considerable amount of pain, but there is a way to manage the pain: trial separation. Take a break from your parents. No contact for at least three months. That means no meetings, no phone calls, no letters. I call this "detox" time because it gives all involved a chance to get some of the poison out of their systems and to evaluate how much the relationship means to them. This moratorium on contact may be difficult, but it can be a time of enormous growth. Without the need to expend large amounts of energy on your conflicts with your parents, you'll have much more energy available for your own life. Once you have gained emotional distance, you and your parents might even rediscover some genuine positive feelings for one another.

Joe's father, Alan, remained furious long after the confrontation. He continued to drink heavily. After several weeks, he had his wife, Joanne, deliver a message to Joe: if Joe wanted to see his father again, Joe needed to apologize. His mother called almost daily, pleading with Joe to acquiesce to his father's demand so that, in her words, "we can be a family again."

If you decide that a final break is the only way you can preserve your well-being, I urge you to get professional counseling to help you through. During this time the frightened child inside you will need a lot of reassurance and calming. A sympathetic counselor can help you nurture that child while at the same time guiding the adult through the anxiety and pain of saying goodbye.

JOE'S DECISION

Joe sadly realized that the distortions of reality in his family would continue to impair his mental health. He wrote his parents a brief letter telling them that he was taking a ninety-day vacation from the relationship, during which time he hoped they might reconsider their positions. He offered to meet with them again after the ninety days to see if there was anything worth salvaging.

After delivering the letter, Joe told me he felt ready and willing to accept the possibility of a final and permanent goodbye:

I had really hoped I'd be strong enough to keep up a relationship with them and not get so bent out of shape by their craziness. But right now I know that that's asking too much of myself. So, since it seems to be a choice between them or me, I choose me. This is probably the healthiest thing I've ever done, but understand what's going on: one minute I feel proud of myself and really strong, and the next minute I feel really empty inside. God, Susan, I don't know if I can handle being healthy -- I mean, what's that going to feel like?

Though it was painful for Joe to break off from his parents, his demonstration of resolve gave him a new sense of inner strength. He began to feel more self-assured when he met women, and within six months had developed a love relationship that he told me was the most stable he had ever had. As his self-worth continued to improve, so did his life.

Whether you negotiate with your parents for a better relationship, pull back to a more superficial relationship, or sever your relationship altogether, you will have taken an enormous step toward disconnecting from the power of the past. Once you break the old, ritualistic patterns with toxic parents, you'll be much more open and available for a truly loving relationship with yourself and others.

I do not want to minimize the difficulties involved, but the fact that a parent is old or has a chronic illness does not necessarily mean that confrontation is out of the question. I do advise my clients to discuss the ramifications of emotional stress with their parent's physician to determine whether there is any significant medical risk. If so, there are alternatives to direct confrontation that still enable you to tell your truth, even if you have chosen not to tell it to your parent. You can write confrontation letters that you don't mail, you can read these letters to photographs of your parent, you can talk to siblings or other family members, or if you are in therapy, you can confront your parent in role-playing. I will discuss these techniques in more detail in the following section on "Confrontation with a Dead Parent."

Confrontation with Sick or Old Parents

Many of my clients find themselves in a painful dilemma about confrontation when their parents are very elderly, frail, or disabled. They are often caught up in powerfully conflicting feelings of pity and resentment. Some feel a strong sense of basic human obligation to care for their parents coupled with hypersensitivity to their demands. "What's the use," they say. "I wish I had done it years ago. They can't even remember." Or, "Mom would have another stroke if I confronted her. Why don't I let her go to the grave in peace?" And yet, without a confrontation, they know it will be harder to find peace for themselves.

"I CAN'T DO IT, SHE'S NOT WELL ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT"

These techniques have also proven effective for a handful of my clients who are full-time caretakers of one or both parents. If your parent is living with you and is dependent on you, your efforts to deal more openly with your relationship may diminish the tensions between you, making your caretaker role easier. But it's also possible that confrontation may create such discord that your living situation becomes intolerable. If your current living arrangements make it impossible for you to get some distance from your parents should your confrontation alienate them further, you may choose some of the alternatives to direct confrontation.

Jonathan, whom we met in chapter 4, avoided involvement with a woman because he was still rebelling against his mother, who continually pressured him to marry. After a few months of therapy, he decided that there were many things he would like to say to his mother, who was eighty-two. Since her heart attack a few years earlier, she had been frail, but she nevertheless, continued her intrusive phone calls and letters. His visits with her were painful charades.

I feel so sorry for her, yet I get really angry at the power she has over me. But I'm afraid that if I say anything now, it will kill her, and I'm not willing to have that on my conscience. So I just put on my good-boy act. Why couldn't I have spoken up fifteen or twenty years ago when she was a lot stronger? I could have saved myself a lot of pain.

At this point I reminded Jonathan that confrontation doesn't mean blasting the other person. If we could find a way for him to release some of his hurt and angry feelings in a controlled and gentle way, he would discover that there is always more peace to be found in truth than in avoidance. I didn't want to push him to do something that could have consequences he couldn't live with, but there was a very real chance that an honest interchange with his mother would enrich the quality of their relationship.

I told him about current work being done with ill and dying parents and their adult children that indicates that an honest exploration of the relationship not only doesn't harm the parents, but often provides closure and comfort to all involved.

Jonathan struggled with this for several weeks. At my urging he talked to his mother's physician, who assured him that her medical condition was stable.

Jonathan's alternative was to ignore his feelings and pretend there was no problem. I told him I thought this would be a terrible waste of their remaining time together.

I got the ball rolling by asking her if she had any idea how I felt about our relationship. She said she wondered why I always seemed so irritable around her. That opened the door for me to quietly talk to her about how her need to control me had affected my life. We talked for hours. I said things I never thought I'd be able to say. She got defensive… she got hurt… she denied a lot… but some of it got through. A couple of times her eyes filled with tears and she squeezed my hand. The relief was unbelievable. I used to dread seeing her, but she's just a frail little old lady. I can't believe how many years I was afraid of expressing myself to her.

Jonathan was able to be honest and real with his mother for the first time in his life and to effectively change the tone of their relationship. He felt as if he'd finally put down a heavy burden. He was also able to see his mother in the present, rather than being driven by memories and fears. He could now respond to her current reality, which was very different from the powerful, engulfing mother the little boy inside him remembered.

One method I've devised, which has proved to be very powerful, is to write a confrontation letter and read it aloud at your parent's grave. This gives you a strong sense of actually talking to your parent and of finally being able to express the things you've been holding inside for so long. Through the years I've received very positive reports, from both clients and from members of my radio audience, as a result of these graveside confrontations.

Confrontation with a Dead Parent

It's extremely frustrating when you've worked hard to get to the point of confrontation, but one or both of your parents are dead. Surprisingly, there are several ways to have a confrontation even though your parents may not be physically present.

Jonathan's confrontation with his mother had some positive results, but this is not always the case. Age or illness doesn't necessarily make toxic parents more able to deal with the truth. Some may mellow in later years, and coming face-to-face with their own mortality may make them more receptive to taking some responsibility for their behavior. But others will become more entrenched in their denial, their abuse, and their anger as they feel their life slipping away. Their assaults on you may be the only way they know to fend off their depression and panic. These parents may go to their graves angry and vindictive without ever acknowledging you. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you've said what must be said.

You may get the same negative reaction you would have gotten from your parents if they were alive. The relative may react with denial, disbelief, anger, or hurt, in which case you should do exactly what you would have done with your parent: stay nonreactive and nondefensive. This is a wonderful opportunity to reinforce your understanding that the responsibility to change is yours, not theirs.

On the other hand, the family member may give you some surprising validation and even an apology on your parents' behalf. This happened to Kim -- whose father controlled her with money and unpredictable moods. Even though her father had been dead for more than five years, she felt the need to confront some member of the family. She decided on her father's younger sister, Shirley, and invited her to lunch.

If it is not practical for you to go to your parent's grave, read your letter to a photograph of the parent, to an empty chair, or to someone in your support system who is willing to stand in for your parent.

You have one more option: you can talk to a relative, preferably from the same generation as your dead parent (s). Tell that family member (preferably a close blood relative) about your experiences with your parents. You don't have to ask this relative to take responsibility for what your parents did but there is a tremendous release in being able to tell the truth to an aunt or an uncle.

At the session following their meeting, I could see that Kim was clearly delighted with the results.

You know, everybody was always in awe of my father. He was the superstar of the family and Shirley always acted like she adored him. So you can imagine how hard it was for me to tell her what a bastard he had been to me. But the damnedest thing happened when I did. She told me she had always been afraid of my father, that he was horrible to her when they were kids, and that she wasn't at all surprised by anything I was telling her. Then she told me -- and this was the best -- that about eight years ago she gave him a brown shirt for his birthday -- you know, the kind the Nazis used to wear. She said she wanted to sew a swastika on it but that would have been going too far. We laughed, we cried, it was wonderful. The people at the restaurant must have thought we were nuts.

When Shirley opened up to Kim, she was saying, in essence, "I understand how you feel and I know that it's all real and true." Kim found that by taking the experience back to the generation from which it came, she was able to release a lot of her pent-up anxiety and guilt about the reality of what her father had done to her.

I realize that this technique may seem unkind, since in most cases these relatives are not responsible for your negative experiences. But you have to weigh the pros against the cons. If using a relative as a substitute parent helps you to heal self-defeating mental and emotional wounds, it certainly seems worth subjecting that relative to a possibly unpleasant conversation that may cause temporary upset.

There's No Such Thing as a Bad Confrontation

Confrontation is the climactic phase in the journey toward autonomy.

Even if you didn't come home with a trophy, even if you didn't get to say everything you'd planned to, even if you became defensive and ended up explaining yourself, and even if your parents got up and walked out on you… you still did it. You have told the truth about your life to yourself and your parents, and the fear that kept you trapped in your old role with them can no longer control you.

No matter what happens during or after any confrontation, you come out a winner because you had the courage to do it.